That's the Way I Loved You
by GraveDancer
Summary: A completely AU fic about Meredith Grey saving Derek Shepherd and you honestly have to read the fic to find out more. Based on the song That's the Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey ladies!**

So...I liked the Golden Floor, or at least I liked the premise of the Golden Floor but well, I've been struggling with it. I don't know why but...there was issues with it and I didn't know what I was going to do with it and then I was listening to some music and a completely new fic popped into my head. So Golden Floor...well I'm not sure what's going to happen but for now...

This is my new fic!!

It's completely AU and I don't want to see more than that because I kind of want you to see how it all plays out as it plays out.... 

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He couldn't remember the last night he had fallen asleep without spending a good hour watching the shadows of the tree branches playing across his ceiling and thinking that he was grateful that they had found a brownstone with a tree out front so at least he had them to look at. Of course on odd nights, when it seemed to be darker than usual outside he usually just stared at the ceiling anyway, trying to remember what the shadows had looked like the night before so he could imagine they were there. There was something soothing about them being there, something that made falling asleep easier, even if it was still a remarkably long process.

Derek realized he had no reason to not be able to fall asleep faster. He was laying in an expensive top of the line bed. He still wasn't sure what made a bed top of the line but the salesman had said it at lot when they had bought it, and her eyes had lit up so he figured it was good. His mattress was apparently top of the line too. He wasn't sure what that meant either but he never had a sore back so he assumed whatever it had been had been worth the money he had paid for it. Even the sheets had been top of the line, so top of the line that he had quickly destroyed the receipt before his mother had stopped by the house because he was quite certain that he would have been hit quite hard if she had any idea how much he had spent. He still wasn't even sure what was so good about the sheets. They felt the same as any sheet he had ever owned and it wasn't like they actually helped him sleep.

The only thing that helped was the fingers of darkness playing along the ceiling

And for some reason it wasn't helping tonight. He had been laying awake for an hour and a half, his eyes wide open, completely alert. He was so awake he could probably stand up and perform a surgery right now, which probably wasn't a good thing, as he actually had to perform a surgery in a few hours.

It was nights like this that Derek wondered if everyone felt this way.

Derek Shepherd wanted to be happy. Or he was happy. He thought he was happy, at least as happy as anyone else was. He could remember being young and thinking that he'd be happier than this but he had been young and naïve and this was his life. It was a good life. A really good life and he had no reason to find himself unable to sleep at night. He was supposed to be happy. He had the job, he had the woman, he had a good group of friends, he even had a good family. He couldn't actually think of anything he wanted but didn't have which generally meant that he should be happy. He knew that.

And every night he watched the shadows on his ceiling instead of sleeping.

He moved quietly out of bed. Somehow over the months since he had asked her to move in he had perfected the art of quietly slipping out of the room and he was never found out. Or when he was he always managed to find a believable story, something about needing a glass of water or hearing something that always managed to pass as the truth. She never really questioned him when she found him downstairs, just shrugged and told him to come back to bed before disappearing back up the stairs. Some nights he followed, feeling obligated to follow through on the lie that had easily rolled off his tongue; on other nights he would just make some noise downstairs until he was certain she had fallen back asleep and he would stay where he was, camped out on the couch with the sports news on with the volume down or perched at his desk, pretending to do paperwork or reading the latest journal. Some nights all of that seemed easier than sleeping.

He moved slowly down the stairs, not bothering to turn on any lights as he went since he knew the path by heart anyway. Tonight he figured it was a television night. The surgery tomorrow was simple enough; he didn't feel like staring at the computer screen pretending to read up on it, so zoning out in front of the television seemed like a better option. Maybe, if he got really lucky, there'd be a movie on so he wouldn't have to think.

He fell onto the couch, wishing he hadn't agreed to it. He had agreed to the stiff couch when they were still looking for a place, before they had moved in, when he was still falling asleep easily at night. It had been months ago now, months ago his life had felt normal instead of like this. Months ago when he had agreed to the slightly uncomfortable couch he had been under the delusional belief that he would only use it for catching the occasional game when he wasn't too busy at the practice he shared with Mark. He thought he'd sit on it when they entertained, had those dinner parties she was so fond of. If he had known he'd spend nights watching whatever pick of the week movie was on or the sports news that repeated over and over again he probably would have picked something softer, something easier to cuddle into and get something close to comfortable.

Months ago when they had just been planning this house he had expected to be a lot happier than this.

He flicked on the television, turning a movie channel on quietly and smiling as some Disney characters filled the screen. He usually only watched this kind of thing with his nieces and nephews but it was mindless, and tonight mindless seemed like a good idea. If he watched something deep it could lead to deep thoughts about how he had gotten here and what he was going to do about it, because somehow he knew that this wasn't a way to live. This had been the life he had wanted and now…now he had no idea why he couldn't sleep at night.

"Derek, sweetheart, what are you doing?" a quiet voice came from behind him.

"Oh…" he breathed, turning around and smiling at the sight of his fiancee, her usually perfectly groomed hair in a tangle behind her hair, her pyjamas slightly rumpled from sleep. It was the only time she ever looked like anything close to a mess and for a second, the restlessness that had tightened his chest eased slightly. "Just couldn't sleep," he murmured, deciding to go with the truth for once.

"Again?" she frowned. "Maybe you should try the sleeping pills Daddy suggested."

"Hmmm…" he sighed, remembering the unfortunate night a few weeks ago when her parents had stayed at their place and her father hadn't missed the way he had paced the kitchen during the night. "I really don't want to take that route."

"But this is…it's not the first time, Derek."

"I know," Derek nodded, running his hand over his hair, suddenly realizing that lying and saying something about having come down to check the score would be easier than this conversation. "I know and I'm just…I have a surgery tomorrow early, it probably just has me on edge."

"Oh," she nodded. "I guess that makes sense. Is it something complicated?"

"Just clipping an aneurysm," he shrugged, feeling a little strange at the words and actions. There shouldn't be anything simple about clipping an aneurysm, someone's life was on the line and he knew that it was big. He just did them so often, they were so routine that it felt just as drab as everything else.

"That's easy, right?"

"For me, yeah," he sighed, rolling his shoulders slightly. "Just…he has kids so it's…I'm just tense about it."

"A sleeping pill could still work, Derek."

"And leave me drowsy in the morning for work," he pointed out. "I'm fine, hon. My brain's just being noisy tonight."

"Brain's aren't noisy."

"I know that."

"Okay," she breathed, pulling back slightly. "Okay, just, try to get some sleep at some point tonight, okay? Why are you watching a Disney movie?"

"Disney is good for brain numbing," he attempted a soft smile.

"Okay," she nodded. "Maybe you should get drinks with Mark sometimes soon or something…relax a bit."

"Good idea," he sighed, realizing that was always her answer to everything, even if she didn't actually like Mark all that much to begin with. "Go back to bed, hon. I'll be up soon."

"Okay," she smiled slightly. "Love you."

"Love you too," he sighed, watching her retreating back before turning back to the television, frowning at the screen.

He loved her. He knew he loved her. He had loved her since they had witnessed the same car accident. He had pulled over because as a doctor he had to. She had pulled over because she had seen what happened. They had started talking, and he had been sure that he had loved her since that first encounter. It had been a strange first meeting, he had been covered in a stranger's blood and she had been frazzled but he had asked her out anyway and now here he was, hiding on his couch because the shadows playing on the ceiling weren't enough to lull him to sleep.

She was probably right; he just needed to get out with Mark or something. The feeling of restlessness had gotten worst over the last few weeks, sleep had become even harder to find but he had been busy with work and he had had a fight with his mom a couple of weeks before. He just needed to get out and get his head back in the game or something. He needed to relax. Him and Mark could go fishing for a weekend or something and when he got back this would be better.

He just needed to get his head back on straight.

He was happy. He just had thought that happiness would be different than this, better than this. But it wasn't and he was happy.

He loved his job. He loved his friends. He loved his family. He loved his fiancée. He loved his life and it was a good life, it was a really good life. It was probably far better than anyone had expected of him considering how it had started out. He had gotten his dreams, he had become the man he had planned on being. He had no complaints.

His gaze moved from the television to out the window, wishing that the stars he had grown up looking at would show up tonight but there were far too many lights in his neighbourhood to get a proper view of them. But that was fine, he was an adult now, he didn't have to sit and stare at the stars and think about what his life could one day be like. He was living the life, he was living his dreams and this was what life was supposed to be.

He didn't have a reason to miss the stars, besides he had his shadows.

Derek Shepherd was happy.

_Sad boy, you stare up at the sky  
When no one's looking back at you.  
You wear your every last disguise;  
You're flying, then you fall through._

**So I know I usually say things but I don't want to give things away so that's just...that's where Derek's head his. I may update tomorrow, I'm not sure how long it will take me to write these updates so we'll see but I'll try to get something up. Read. Love. Review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own a new pretty pink laptop, but I still don't own the show.**

**So here's the next update. Sorry for the slight delay, I had some computer issues, hence the new laptop. But here it is now, Mark and Derek talking about...well you shall see.**

**Enjoy!!**

"Shep, my friend, you look like shit," his best friend, Mark, laughed as he walked up behind him the next day at work, dropping a chart on the reception desk beside him. "Did someone kick your dog or something?"

"Couldn't sleep," Derek sighed, staring at his own chart in front of him. The tiny letters of his usually inellgible printing were blurred by the exhaustion racking through his body. He had had coffee, he had even grabbed a quick nap in an on call room and yet he had no idea how was supposed to read his own god damned writing, or even do the operation he had coming up later this afternoon.

"I told you to take pills for that."

"And I told you and Madie, I've never been a good sleeper and I'm not taking pills now just to fix that," Derek groaned.

"Can you even cut today?" Mark laughed slightly, scribbling something in his own chart.

"Course I can," Derek nodded, stifling a yawn. He was not yawning, he was not going to yawn. Yawning would be to admit defeat and to admit that his entire body was sagging with exhaustion and he just wanted to curl into a ball somewhere and hope that sleep finally came over him. Because even though he had promised Madie he would be upstairs soon after she had disappeared, he had ended up spending the night starting out the window, wondering where the hell all the stars he had loved as a child had disappeared to. He was pretty sure he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep. "Just waiting for my second wind."

"You haven't looked this bad since you were an intern," Mark pointed out.

"Still look better than you," Derek laughed.

"Not a chance," Mark shook his head head. "And seriously, Shep, this whole not sleeping thing might work for now, gives you that rough and rugged look but pretty soon you'll be begging me to fix your face."

"You're not touching my face."

"That offer is still on to fix that ugly nose of yours before you get hitched."

"And my nose is part of my face so you're not touching that either," Derek groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Fine, look like crap in your pictures."

"Hmmm..." Derek breathed, nodding as he moved his hand through his hair, grabbing the chart back of the desk as he glanced quickly at the clock. He had about an hour and a half, an hour and a half before his next appointment where he could try to remember how to sleep, if he could get Mark to shut up or something. "You busy tonight?"

"Got a date with...Laura, no, that's not her name," Mark frowned. "Have a date with the hot blonde nurse at the hospital with the big chest."

"Classy," Derek sighed, stifling another yawn. "I was going to invite you out for drinks."

"Another time?"

"Yeah," Derek nodded.

"Okay, Shep, what's going on with you?" Mark frowned, following closely behind him as Derek turned to move down the hall toward their offices. "You look exhausted and miserable. Getting cold feet?"

"No."

"So what's up?"

"I honestly don't know," Derek sighed, looking down at the ground instead of meeting his best friend's eyes because for some messed up reason, Mark Sloan had the tendency to make him say things he certainly hadn't even meant to say. "I just feel a little restless or something. Probably just work and wedding planning, it's getting to me."

"You need some sex, man. Madie not giving you any already? Because I didn't take her as the type to cock block. She's hot."

"Mark..."

"I'm not going to sleep with her," Mark groaned. "Just pointing out that she's hot and great, get some sex, a quiet weekend with her and calm the hell down. You're ugly enough, you don't need more wrinkles."

"I was thinking of dragging you out for a fishing weekend," Derek shrugged. "Just us, the woods, beer..."

"Not a bad idea, Shep," Mark nodded, opening the door to his office. "But think of the sex thing, it helps with the might actually sleep."

"I sleep."

"You didn't last night."

"I..." Derek breathed, looking at the quiet hallways around him, suddenly hating that he wasn't in the middle of a busy hospital hallway. If he was in a busy hallway he wouldn't have to hear himself think about his own exhaustion and unrest. Maybe if he was in a busy hospital working his ass of every day he'd just fall into bed instead of all of the rolling around. "I'll try that."

"Shit, do you need to talk or something?" Mark frowned. "Because...I can call Sophie, she's good at this...stuff."

"I don't need to talk."

"Well now you really look like someone kicked your dog."

"I don't even have a dog," Derek frowned. "Madie doesn't want one."

"Okay, clearly beside the point..."

"Are you happy?" Derek breathed, the words coming out as a rush. He never really thought of it, he never really even thought of wondering how the rest of the world felt about being happy. He just knew that he had everything he had ever wanted, well besides the dog, and that this must be what happiness felt like. It had to be. He was just overthinking and expecting too much and he just needed to stop it. "Are you happy?"

"Oh, I guess so, yeah," Mark shrugged.

"Hmmm..."

"Are you?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course I am," Derek nodded quickly.

"You should be," Mark nodded, as he moved into his office. "You're one of the lucky ones, Shep."

Derek sighed as he watched his friend disappear into his office. He was one of the lucky ones, he knew he was one of the lucky ones. He moved toward his own office and tried to smile at the familiar surroundings. Mark and him had been planning this practice since the moment Mark had decided to go along with the rest of the family and become a doctor. This had been the dream that had kept them going during med school and residency and now he was actually living it. He was standing in his perfect office, in his perfect practice and it was decorated with pictures of his perfect family, friends and fiance.

He should be smiling.

Instead he moved slowly toward his couch, which he actually did love because he had picked it out for himself, his entire body aching as he dropped onto it, hoping that his eyes would fall shut and he would get some sleep.

_If it makes you happy_

_It can't be that bad_

_If it makes you happy_

_Then why the hell are you so sad_

**So...I'm not quite sure what to say about that update, I really don't know what to say. Because that was more build up to what is coming and it was Derek and Mark in the practice they share and besides that...that's it. Derek's really starting to wonder if he's all that happy and he's tired and actually exhausted. **

**And yes, I have tomorrow off so I hope to update again tomorrow. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: It seems like Derek is going to propose to Meredith on the show. That makes me excited...as I would have done that ages ago if I owned the show.**

**So sorry for the delay...work and personal life got in the way plus I wrote it one way and then I changed my mind on how it was playing out so I rewrote so it just took a bit longer than planned so thank you for the patience and all the great comments.**

**Enjoy!**

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The sky was shockingly blue. Derek would admit to himself that he had no idea why he was standing on his mom's porch, staring at the sky, but he couldn't miss the fact it was shockingly blue. He couldn't even see a cloud marring the perfect blueness of it all. The only thing that broke it up was the bright orange and yellow leaves, at least the ones that were still clinging stubbornly to the branches. But the sky was pure blue, a blue it wasn't very often, not usually this late in October at least, the sky almost made it look like it was warm. Which it wasn't, it was cold, it was the kind of cold that the breeze cut through his light jacket, the warmth left over from the summer sun doing very little to keep him warm. It was cold and he just continued staring at the sky, even though he knew he should head inside.

Today was a good day. It was a really good day and he wasn't even all that tired, sleep had come easily the night before and right now, there was wedding planning going on.

He should be in there, he knew that, but suddenly he had felt the urge to get some air, to stare the perfectly blue sky and think about something else. Because somehow his mom's living room, the same one he had grown up in, felt too small or too crowded and he had really just needed some air.

"There you are," a familiar soft came from behind him and he turned quickly to smile at his youngest sister.

"Are they looking for me?" he sighed.

"Nah," Sophie shrugged, coming to lean against the railing with him, pulling her sweater tightly around her. "You know how Mom gets when she's planning a wedding and Madie's just as bad."

"Sorry," he laughed softly. "And you're stuck with it."

"You had to make me a bridesmaid," she giggled, rolling her eyes as she leaned into him. "And I don't want to hear that stuff about you had to because you were Brian's groomsmen, you just love me that much."

"Sadly," he smirked.

"Ass," she smiled, bumping against him. "So…I have some neighbourhood gossip but since you and Madie are apparently too good to live here…"

"Who said that?"

"Madie. Okay, she didn't actually say that. She said you didn't want to move back to the neighbourhood now that you're settling down and doing the married thing so we all said that's what she said but she didn't actually say that you were too good for this neighbourhood, even though I think she may have been thinking it."

"This must be some pretty good gossip if you're rambling like that," Derek laughed.

"Meredith Grey."

"What?" Derek breathed, turning away from the sky to stare at his little sister, smiling at the name that hadn't crosses his mind in over a decade. The smile was surprising, considering moments before he had been staring at the sky and wondering why, but he couldn't help but smile at the thought of her wavy blonde hair, her bright smile and the eyes that seemed to be constantly flashing with passion. It had been…twelve years since he had seen her or even spoken to her and yet he could still remember the soft lavender smell that had always surrounded her.

"Meredith Grey. She's back."

"What do you mean she's back?" Derek sighed, looking over at the house that had been her mother's, noticing that it still looked as empty as it always had, the blue sky that had had him entranced reflecting from the bare window, the curtians long gone.

"I was over the other day and a car pulled up and a woman that looked a lot like Mer walked out," Sophie shrugged. "She disappeared into the house for a bit, came back out and left but it was definitely Meredith."

"You were spying on Mer?"

"It wasn't spying," Sophie rolled her eyes.

"But you're sure it was Mer?"

"She spent a summer attached to your hip, Der," Sophie laughed. "I think I remember her pretty well. It was Meredith."

"Hmmmm...." he breathed, smiling slightly. "No one's touched that house since Dr. Grey died."

"Just reporting what I saw."

"Interesting," he nodded slowly, looking over a the house again.

"I should probably head back in before Madie kills me," Sophie sighed. "I swear, just because you asked me to be one of the bridesmaids she thinks that I need to be involved in every single decision."

"You should be. It's your big brother's wedding."

"Which suggests I like my big brother."

"You're full of it," Derek laughed softly, nudging his sister gently. "Go in there and get some wedding planning done before you end up being blacklisted or something."

"I will," she sighed, moving back toward the door before stopping suddenly. "Der?"

"Yeah?"

"You want this, right?" Sophie breathed. "Because Madie's really great, she is and I know you love her but she isn't who I pictured you with and something…you seem off."

"I seem off?"

"Yeah," she nodded slowly. "Markie says you don't sleep much."

"I'm a busy neurosurgeon."

"Not that busy," she groaned. "Answer the question, Der. Do you want this?"

"I…" he breathed, looking away from his sister again to stare at the bright blue sky that had had him so entranced not long before, finding the image of Meredith that had been dancing through his thoughts replaced by the striking image of tree branches dancing along his ceiling at night when he was supposed to be sleeping. He had no idea what was going on in his head, he had no idea why he couldn't sleep at night and he had always thought that happiness would feel a lot different than this, but this was his life. This was his life and he loved Madeline, he did. He wanted this life, he wanted…happiness even if it wasn't what he had thought.

"Der?"

"I want this," he finally nodded. "Of course I want this. Madie's great and…we're happy."

"That was a slow answer."

"Well…you're a slow person."

"Ass," Sophie rolled her eyes, moving to hug him tightly. "I love you, Der. I just want to make sure you're happy and sometimes, recently at least, I wonder so…I asked."

"Thanks for asking," he murmured. "And I'm…who actually knows what happiness is?"

"Mom and Dad did."

"You don't even remember Dad."

"Still," she sighed. "Promise me you're happy."

Derek opened his mouth to say something, to say anything because he had no idea what he was going to say. He had no idea how to promise his favourite little sister, the one he never lied to that he was happy when he wasn't even sure what happiness was supposed to feel like anymore. He just lived with the assumption that this was it and…he didn't know what to say.

"Sophie! Derek!" Madie's voice came from inside. "Come see what you think of this flower arrangement!"

"Busted," Sophie sighed, turning to go back inside. "But we're finishing this talk later."

"Fine," Derek sighed. "Tell Mads that's I'll be right in."

"I will," Sophie nodded, opening the door and slipping inside.

He hadn't lied, he hadn't lied to the sister that he had helped raised, he was pretty sure he hadn't lied. This was the life he had always wanted; the job, the house, the wife, the eventual babies. He had wanted this his entire life and anything else, of course he wanted this, he was happy and this was the life he had always wanted. His eyes moved again to the blue sky against the trees, and some voice in his head, one he wasn't sure he even wanted to pay attention to asked why he couldn't live in a place like this. The sky was bluer here than it was in the city, there were more trees, he had liked growing up here and he couldn't help but wonder if maybe the trees would make him feel happier.

He was probably just going crazy.

That would also explain the soft, melodic giggle that was resonating through his brain, a giggle that he hadn't heard in ages and somehow his chest felt lighter than it had in as long as he could remember.

_All of the moments you didn't notice;  
gone in the blink of an eye.  
All of the feelings you couldn't feel  
no matter how you try._

**Gasp! Was that...oh I do think it was a mention of Meredith...a mentioned that mentioned that Meredith had spent a summer attached to Derek's hip. Which I'm not saying anything more than that but you may want to consider what song this is based on, hehehehe. But besides that...Sophie is Sophie and knows things. So yes, that's all I'm saying. **

**I'm going to start an update nowish but I work early which means I have to crash early so if not today, definitely an update tomorrow. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: It seems like Derek is about to propose any minute now on the show. There are no words to describe how happy that makes me. Not as happy as if someone let me own the show...**

**Sorry this took a bit longer than planned! Mainly, the update ended up being a lot longer than planned because I decided to kind of combine to update ideas into one massive update because it felt like it floweed better so here it it. And the italicized part is a flashback so be prepared for those happening occasionally.**

**Enjoy!**

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Derek breathed as he looked over the chart and the numbers blurred and danced around in front of his face. It was another tumor removal, another simple tumor removal that only made him want to groan and stare out the window instead of studying ahead for the simple surgery that he was going to do the next morning. He hadn't known what to expect when him and Mark had decided in high school to one day open a practice together but it hadn't been the constant need to stare out the window at the city surrounding them. It wasn't like the window even gave him a good view, just more of the same cold buildings that made up his life. He defintiely hadn't been expecting this.

Derek sighed as he flipped the page of the chart, looking at the results of the tests he had performed the week before and tried to remember that this patient had a wife and family and he should care, even if it was a beyond simple procedure, it probably didn't feel simple to the patient.

It was important. Saving lives was important and there was no way he was bored with it.

Derek was pretty sure that he just needed some time off. It had been a while since either Mark or him had been able to take more than a week off and he probably just needed some time to breathe, away from the wedding planning and away from the practice, just a few days to relax away from everything his head back on straight.

Because this was his life.

His gaze fell on the pictures on his desk, of him and Mark the day they had officially opened the practice and of him and Madie the day he had proposed to her at her favourite restaurant and a final one of the family at the last big family gathering. It was a good life, it was a really good life. He was happy. He at least looked like a happy man in those picture, the smile spread across his face, the casual way he looked relaxed, it was pictures of a happy man surrounded by people and things he loved.

He had a happy life and he just needed a breather from it. It had never happened before but he was pretty sure it had to be normal; everyone needed vacations.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he leaned back in the chair, temporarily letting himself forget about the upcoming surgery and his need to escape everything for a few days. He just need to relax and think of something else, some other time when things had felt easier or at least more possible.

_She was drenched from head to toe._

_It was the first thing he had noticed when he had pulled into his driveway and cut the engine, his glance falling down the street to another driveway where the girl stood. The rain was coming down in sheets, soaking everything in its path, leaving everything more than a little water logged, including the girl. She wasn't facing him, she was looking out the other way, her arms wrapped around her and he couldn't even make out the colour of her hair with the water drenching it. Her clothes were clinging to her body, the red shirt hugging her curves. And she just stood still, not an inch or her body moving despite the cool rain hitting her hard._

_He wasn't sure why he was slowly moving toward her, ignoring the rain hitting him and the damage it would later do to his curls._

"_Excuse me?" he asked as he approached her. "Do you need some help?"_

"_Oh!" she jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, suddenly swirling around in the rain to face him, and he bit back his own soft gasp as her eyes met his. They danced in the rain, a mix of green and gold fighting to beat the other one out, sparkling in a way that made him want to fall into them or something. "I…no…I'm…I'm good, of course I'm good, you don't…no, help, don't need…good."_

"_Hmmm…" he breathed, frowning slightly at her. "Do you have hyporthermia?"_

"_I…I'm pretty sure it's not that cold," she mirrored his frown._

"_It's not but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a complete sentence so I was wondering if maybe brain damage or something."_

"_You just met me and you're accusing me of having brain damage?"_

"_I didn't actually mean...sorry," he laughed softly._

"_It's probably a good thing you look like that," she smirked._

"_Like what?"_

"_I…nevermind," she shook her head quickly, her one hand going to play around her tiny wrist. "I'm just…I'm fine. It's raining and I was…it's okay, just…go inside or do whatever you were doing and…I'm fine. I'm just standing…in the rain. I like the rain so it's good."_

"_You're standing in the rain because you like the rain?"_

"_I…I can't find my key," she sighed. "I came home and I thought I had my key but I think I left it at school and my mom…is not home because…I can't find my key."_

"_Okay," he nodded slowly, looking at her house over her shoulder. "Why aren't you standing on the porch? It looks dry."_

"_My luggage is on the porch staying dry."_

"_Okay," he nodded slowly again. "So you'd rather your luggage stay dry than you to stay dry?"_

"_Yeah," she shrugged._

"_But you could dry your clothes if they got wet."_

"_I could," she giggled, the soft sound filling the air around them. It was melodic and innocent and didn't match the fire that was flashing in her eyes and Derek couldn't help the way his heart tripped. "But it's also books and stuff that can't be dried out so…luggage wins."_

"_You could catch a cold," he argued._

"_Are you a dad or something?"_

"_What? No."_

"_That's just…it's a very parenty thing to say."_

"_No, it's…" he frowned as she bit her bottom lip, the giggle already having disappeared somewhere into the rainy night but her eyes were still sparkling like they were giggling. "I…I'm not a dad. I'm a med student, it was a doctory thing to say, not a parenty thing to say and those aren't even words."_

"_And yet you used them."_

"_Because I was making a point."_

"_A point that you were in med school," she nodded. "Do you use that to pick girls up or something? Because it might work."_

"_I wasn't…it could work?"_

"_Not on me," she shook her head quickly, the soft giggle filling the air again, causing Derek's heart to trip again. "You already lost any chance you had on me when you accused me of having brain damage."_

"_I wasn't…this isn't me trying to pick you up...I'm just saying…you could get sick," he sighed, running his fingers through his now sobbing wet curls and taking a deep breath of the cool early summer air, realizing suddenly that he felt flustered in a way he didn't remember feeling since around the time he graduated high school, put on some muscle and bought his motorcycle. He didn't get flustered around girls anymore, he wasn't that dorky band geek guy who couldn't hold a normal conversation anymore and he wasn't sure he liked it._

"_Well, if you're in med school you should know that standing in the rain doesn't cause a cold, a virus does, Dr…"_

"_Shepherd," he smiled, taking another deep breath as he offered her his hand. "Derek."_

"_Grey," she nodded seriously, her eyes still twinkling. "Meredith."_

"_At least come over to my place to dry off and warm up," he sighed, not moving his hand away from hers, because somehow despite the fact they were now drenched and he figured she had to be colder than he was, there was a warmth where their hands connected that he couldn't begin to understand. "Grab your stuff and you can wait there. My mom probably even has cookies or something."_

"_I don't…I'm good here," she shrugged._

"_Mer, it's pouring rain and freezing."_

"_I'm good," she nodded. "I don't…I said I like the rain and I do. So you can…you go dry off and warm up and I'll just…stay here."_

"_I'm not leaving you out here alone to freeze to death."_

"_I'm not going to freeze to death," she giggled. "And if you're so worried about me, you can stay out here with me."_

"_I could," he nodded slowly._

"_Stay out here and stand in the rain with me, Derek."_

"_Okay," he breathed, his hand tightening around hers, soaking in the heat that the slight contact offered. "Okay."_

"_Good," she giggled, suddenly throwing her head back to look up into the clouds, almost as if she had forgotten that it was pouring rain as she spun around in a fast circle, giggling as the rain hit her face and dancing slightly to music that Derek almost could believe was playing. And suddenly he found himself fighting the urge to pull the waterlogged girl he had just met into his arms and dancing along with her, pretending that music was surrounding them instead of the rain and forgetting all about school and everything but holding her close and listening to her giggle. But he couldn't, she was a stranger and he couldn't hold her. So instead he watched as she danced between the rain drops._

"_Are you crazy or something?" he chuckled._

"_Maybe," she giggled, suddenly catching her pink bottom lip with her teeth, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "Why? Need some crazy in your life?"_

"_Maybe."_

"Derek?" Madeline's soft voice came from outside his door, suddenly breaking him out of his thoughts. "Are you ready to go?"

"Oh…" he breathed, snapping his head up to look at his fiancé leaning against the door frame, her straight blonde hair falling around her face as she frowned at him. "Sorry, thinking about a surgery," he explained in a rush.

"Should have known," she rolled her eyes, pulling herself off the door to move into his office, dropping down on the couch. "I am going to have some of your attention over dinner, right? You're not just going to sit and stare and dream about cutting?"

"Of course not," he frowned.

"It's all you've been doing recently, Derek," she sighed.

"Sorry," he murmured, looking down at his desk, at the picture of them that always sat there. He loved her, he had no idea if he was as happy as he was supposed to be or if that happiness even really existed, but he did love her and somehow he had never managed lying while looking her in the eyes. He didn't want to lie and he wasn't about to lie, but he also wasn't about to tell her about the thoughts of a long ago ...friend that were filling his head and taking up the place that probably should have been spent thinking about surgeries.

"It's okay," she shrugged. "I was thinking after the venue search we could go home, have some wine and...enjoy our evening."

"That sounds good, Mads," he nodded, getting up to shove the rest of his paperwork into his briefcase.

"It's been a while."

"I know it has," he sighed. "I am sorry. My head's just all full with work and the wedding and everything. Tonight will be good to relax and we need it."

"I think I'll find a way or two to empty it out tonight," she breathed.

"Oh," he breathed, looking up from his bag to stare at her finace, her straight pure blonde hair a world away from the dark golden waves that had been plaguing his mind minutes before. He attempted an encouraging smile, something to make her think that the idea of emptying out his brain with her sounded appealing, because it should, he knew it should. He looked into her bright blue eyes, and really tried to get excited for the busy night they had ahead. It was going to be good, he wanted it to be good. "We can do that."

"Good," she breathed, standing up to come and wrap her arms around him and his arms wrapped around her tiny waist as she kissed him gently.

"I..." he sighed, pulling away quickly to hit the button on his answering machine to check it one last time, breathing as the automated voice filled the room announcing that he had one last message on his machine. "How about you head to the car and I'll meet you there as soon as I check this message? It's just boring doctor stuff."

"Isn't it always?" she rolled her eyes, kissing him quickly again, her fingers working through his perfect styled curls. "I'll see you in the car."

"I'll be right out," he nodded.

"Good," she smiled, turning to walk away and Derek's eyes followed her quickly. Madeline was perfect. He realized this, the way her blonde hair fell down along her back, ending just as her waist went in, the tiny waist he knew she got from spending hours at the gym. She was perfect. She was funny and sexy and caring and everything anyone would ever want. He knew he was lucky, he was lucky to have her and he was lucky that he was going to marry her. Derek realized as she smiled at him over her shoulder right before she stepped out of his office that he had no reason to be anything short of perfectly happy with the woman he had managed to find.

He sighed to himself as he picked up his phone and sunk into his office chair, the expensive leather one she had bought him as an engagement gift a few months before. She had paid a lot of money for it and it was supposed to be comfortable, it was supposed to be the kind of chair he could spend hours sitting in and not feeling the need to move.

Except recently all he wanted to do was move around, to get of the chair and do something, to do something different.

He closed his eyes as he listened to the message, a smile spreading across his face at the sudden memory of the way Meredith fingers had felt working their way through his completely destroyed curles the night they had met.

_I was ready to settle for  
Less than love and not much more  
There was no such thing as a dream come true  
Oh, but that was on the day before you_

**And that is how the story of Meredith and Derek began...at least that part of the story because that's not the whole story but that was there first meeting, that was how Derek had met his neighbour that he though was kind of crazy and yet...he stood outside in the rain with her because he's Derek and she's Meredith. And I'm not revealing where things went from there, not yet...I'm just saying, that's how they met and how they were, compare to Derek and Madeline and I shall stop with the rambling now. **

**I will probably update this tomorrow...if not, probably Sunday. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Derek came really really close to proposing...and while I'm happy it didn't happen because that so wasn't them...if I owned the show he probably would have asked.**

**So this is completely filler. It's not exactly important but it is filler because I didn't want to just jump from one thing to another but it's punctual filler so...**

**Enjoy!**

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"He's in recovery now and while it's always difficult to say after brain surgery, he should be waking up soon so you can go see him," Derek explained, fiddling with the plain blue surgery cap he still held in his hands as he attempted an encouraging smile at the nervous and waiting family. "Everything went smoothly."

"Thank you so much," the patient's wife exclaimed, moving to hug Derek tightly. "Thank you so so much."

"Just doing my job," he murmured, returning.

"I know, I know that…I know it's just your job but if it wasn't, well we don't know what would have happened so thank you, thank you. There is no way that I…" the wife breathed, shaking her head.

"Hmmm…" he nodded, pulling back. "A nurse will come get you when he wakes up and I'll be back to check later. Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything."

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd," the wife nodded.

"I'll see you later," Derek smiled, taking a deep breath as he turned away.

He had no idea what the woman's name was. As another chorus of thank yous followed him down the crowded hallway, the fact he didn't know what the wife's name was shook him to the core. He knew his patient, he knew he had just operated on Ryan Gravelle but he couldn't remember his wife's name. The woman had hugged him tightly, she had cried and wept with gratitude and he had no idea what her name was.

Derek found himself frowning despite the perfect surgery he had just completed as he wove around the bodies packed tight into the crowded hallway. Ryan and….Ryan and…he was sure that he must have known her name at some point, sure that he must have made a point of getting to know both of them and what they were like. It was just the exhaustion. He had barely slept the night before and now he was just tired and drawing a blank on the simple facts he always learned about his patient's, that's all it was. Because there was a time Derek remembered priding himself on that basic knowledge, a time when knowing the wife's name, knowing what she did and how many kids she had meant everything to him and now he couldn't begin to remember Mrs. Gravelle's first name, let alone what she did for a living.

Of course he hadn't slept the night before, he had spent hours staring at the shadows above his head before finally moving downstairs where he had spent he had no idea how long reading a book, only to wake up in the morning with a sore back and feeling groggy.

It was the grogginess that kept his brain from finding the name he was searching for, the name he must have asked.

"It's not high school, you don't have to run through the hallways anymore," his best friend's voice suddenly came from beside him.

"I didn't run the hallways in high school."

"Course you did, little Derek Shepherd wouldn't dare to be late for a class," Mark laughed, falling in step beside him, the two men moving skilfully around the rest of the staff and patients moving through the narrow hall. "Seriously though, why the hell you moving so fast?"

"Was trying to find your ugly ass."

"That's nice, Shep, I didn't know you cared so much," Mark chuckled, knocking his arm. "What's up?"

"You have the weekend off, right?"

"Yeah."

"No hot dates?"

"No," Mark frowned. "Not that there won't be, just have found the lucky ladies yet."

"Figured," Derek rolled his eyes. "In for camping?"

"Sounds good to me," Mark nodded and then winced. "Can we leave in the morning?"

"So you do have a hot date."

"If you go for older, balding men," Mark laughed. "Lost a bet and I'd promise I'd pay up tonight, have to buy Conway a couple of drinks."

"We can leave tomorrow morning," Derek sighed. "But early so try to not buy yourself a few drinks too."

"I'll be good, Mom."

"Shut up."

"You should come along," Mark offered, frowning slightly at him. "If anyone needs a night of drinking it's you. You look like hell. Which means you're still not sleeping well…"

"Yeah, yeah," Derek sighed, shaking his head. He was not going to get into it now. People surrounded them, some people he recognized vaguely from the time he spent here but most of them were strangers and he wasn't going to discuss his sleeping troubles while surrounded by all of these people. It wasn't even troubles, he just needed to get away. A weekend in the woods would make him feel more like…him. He just needed it and he could get back to living and being happy and..." Yeah, I'll come along."

"You will?"

"Yeah," Derek shrugged. "Why not?"

"Sounds good, Shep," Mark grinned slapping his arm just as the pager at Mark's hip beeped loudly. "And now I have to go. What time you all done here?"  
"Seven."

"Meet you in the lobby ?"

"Okay," Derek nodded as his best friend turned and walked away, leaving Derek to breath deeply in the crowded hallway, standing alone with all the other people. He was okay. He was perfectly okay. He needed to go out for drinks and go camping and he...he would be okay.

**So as I said...this is just filler that's...well I can't say why I felt the need to write this scene because I didn't want to jump from the last one to the next one. But well...that's all I'm saying. I'm starting another update now so it may be up tonight, if not, probably tomorrow. Read. Love. Review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: As much as I did enjoy Grey's last night there was a noticeable lack of Mer/Der. Which is fine, it's fine. But if I owned the show, it wouldn't happen.**

**Okay, so this is a little bit later than I planned but it is here now...and I do believe it's an update that everyone was looking forward to coming. Btw, thank you so much for all the comments and love. It makes writing worth it. Anyway...**

**Enjoy!**

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The bar was humming around him, the low din making it hard to pick up any specific sound, let alone hear himself think. Mark had disappeared a while before, saying something about a blonde he needed to talk to and Derek found himself sitting alone at the bar, staring at the bottom of his scotch glass in the dim light. He was pretty sure he was okay with the not thinking thing; he found solace in the loud hum of the bar and the scotch burning down his throat. It was better than thinking, better than trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with his life that he wasn't sleeping at night. Even if the person he was supposed to be having drinks with had long ago disappeared, this was good. It was good to be out and not thinking.

"Another one, Shep?" the bartender asked, suddenly appearing out of no where, his voice cutting through the din.

"Sure," Derek nodded, smiling at Joe.

"Consider this one on the house," Joe offered as he poured him a scotch. "You look like you need it. Long week?"

"Or long life," Derek laughed, shaking his head as he allowed his eyes to close, just concentrating on the sounds of the busy bar around him. He wasn't thinking, just for tonight he wasn't going to think about his life, he was just going to drink and enjoy the noise.

"Need to talk about it?"

"I'm not going to burden you with my problems which are…I'm not even sure what they are."

"Hey! I'm a bartender. People pay me to listen to their problems. That would be like me not letting you cut into my brain."

"Maybe later," Derek sighed.

"Just keep it in mind," Joe nodded, pushing the glass of scotch toward him before turning to move away, going to serve a group of interns at the other end of the bar.

Derek was pretty sure he had to be worse off than he thought. Because Mark and Sophie noticing that he was off was one thing, but if Joe was noticing, Derek couldn't help but wonder exactly how tired or sad or whatever it was that he looked. Because sitting here, realizing that he looked so bad that he waranted a free drink from an experience bartender, Derek was pretty sure something was really wrong.

He sipped at his scotch, wincing as the liquid burned his throat and he shifted on his stool to look over the crowded bar, seeing if he could make his best friend's head out anywhere. People were all over, bodies pressed together in the dark bar, sounds and smells mingling in the crowded room. He wasn't sure why he was here, sitting alone while his best friend went to flirt with some random girls but it was okay. He was okay being here because it was better than being home and trying not to think of how much he wasn't sure what was wrong with his life. It was better to get lost in the crowd.

It was then the distinct giggle cut through the din.

Derek was surprised to feel his heart jump at the soft sound, at the familiarity of it and the way it had always made him feel. But it couldn't be the giggle, even if Sophie swore she had seen Meredith a few weeks before, there was no way it was her giggle. It was a big city and there had to be another giggle that sounded like that, even if he hadn't heard it in over a decade. But then the sound filled the bar again, or at least it sounded like it filled the bar and a shiver ran down his back. He had always loved the giggle, the way it was light and airy and full of joy and gave no indication of the passionate and firey woman that it belonged to. He had always loved the way the giggle made him feel, the shivers down the back and the way his heart tripped.

He wasn't sure if he was even surprised when he turned around and saw the familiar blonde head leaning over the bar.

"Meredith Grey," he breathed, shaking his head.

She pulled back quickly, her wavy blonde hair swining around her face as her head snapped around to look at him. "Seriously? Seriously? Derek Shepherd..."

"I never thought I'd see you again," Derek laughed, moving off his stool toward her.

"This is...wow."

"Wow," he echoed as they both moved toward each other, and Derek found himself hugging her tightly, breathing in the familiar flowery scent that he hadn't even thought of in over a decade and yet the smell seemed to offer the calming effect it had always had. "Wow."

"Derek," she giggled as she pulled away.

"Meredith," he sighed, taking her in the dark bar, as well as he could. She hadn't changed, she hadn't changed at all. She had filled out a little, the curves he was suddenly remembering with crystal clarity had become slightly more pronounced and he was quite certain her hair was slightly shorter but she was still Meredith, the fiery girl that had held him completely captive for a summer. "You look amazing."

"You look...you look good," Meredith smiled.

"This is...Sophie said she saw you at your mom's house."

"Oh..yeah...yeah," she nodded quickly. "I...I never sold it which is...well it's probably crazy but...I was there and I didn't...I was going to go say hi to your mom. I was but I guess... I didn't."

"You still ramble," he laughed softly.

"I still ramble."

"Hmmm..." he nodded, smiling widely as he looked at her. "I can't believe you're here. What are you even doing here?"

"Oh," she giggled nervously, running her fingers over her wrist, a nervous habit that Derek suddenly found himself remembering. "Work, work transfered me here and I was...I was ready to come home. So...I'm here and you're...I'm here."

"I never thought I'd see you again," he breathed.

"I...I wasn't sure I ever wanted to see you again," she smiled.

"Oh," he laughed.

"I...you're probably, people, there's probably people you're here with and it was...this was nice but you should probably..."

"Oh just Mark."

"You're still friends with Mark?"

"Haven't been able to shake him yet," Derek laughed, turning to look around the bar to see if his friend had suddenly reappeared. "He's off..."

"Being Mark?"

"Yeah," Derek grinned. "If you have any female friends with you you may consider warning them."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"I should probably let you get back to your friends."

"Oh umm...yeah...yeah..." Meredith nodded, chewing on her bottom lip, another nervous habit that Derek had been sure he had forgotten about over the last decade or so without her in his life. "I should...and we...Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you...I mean...what happened to you?"

"Wh...what?"

"It's just..." she sighed. "I know I don't know you and I don't...I have no idea what your life is like now so that's, I probably sohuld even ask because asking, kind of rude but you're smiling and you look happy but there's...I think there's something wrong and you should probably tell me to shut up at any point because I don't even know you..."

"Oh...I...I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't know."

"Oh..." she breathed, jumping slightly as Joe suddenly appeared beside them, pushing a shot glass toward Meredith. "Oh...thanks."

"That's tequila, isn't it?" Derek laughed.

"Maybe," she giggled, shooting it back quickly.

"You still..." Derek shook his head and then laughed. "Are you crazy or something?"

"Maybe," she grinned, her eyes suddenly sparkling in the dark room and even though Derek couldn't make out the colour clearly through the dark he remembered the soft green that sparkled with gold when she was really happy about something. "Why? Need some crazy in your life?"

"Maybe."

"Meredith!" a loud voice suddenly cut through the croweded bar as Derek opened his mouth to say something. "Get your skinny ass over here!"  
"And that would be your cue to go."

"It would be," Meredith giggled. "I'll umm...it was...give me your phone."

"What?"

"Give me your phone," she ordered.

"Oh..." he sighed, grabbing his cell phone out of his pocket and handing the tiny black device to her. "Why?"

"I..." Meredith breathed, rolling her eyes at him as she punched some numbers quickly into his cellphone and handed it back to him. "Here. Give me a call sometime and we can catch up or something over coffee."

"That...that sounds good," Derek nodded.

"Good."

"Good."

"I...I'm going to go,"Meredith smiled. "And this was...kind of amazing and really nice but I'm going to go and...call me."

"I will."

Derek had no way how to explain the way his cheeks were hurting ever so slightly from being stretched out in a wide smile as he watched her retreating back. They had ended screaming at each other and she had barely crossed his mind ever since, until now when she was in his bar, that suddenly wasn't feeling nearly as dark and crowded as it had been only moments before. He had no idea why he was smiling so widely. He certainly didn't have any idea why it felt so good to watch her walk away, her number securely in his phone and some vague plans to catch up made. He honestly didn't know why suddenly he couldn't remember what the shadows on his ceiling looked like. He didn't know why he was smiling.

And more frighteningly, he wasn't sure why it felt like it had been a long time since he had smiled like this.

_Your beautiful eyes _

_Stare right into my eyes_

_And sometimes, I think of you late at night _

_I don't know why _

_I wanna be somewhere, where you are _

_I wanna be where _

**So there it is...they have found each other again and now this story really gets started. I don't have all that much to say, except Meredith immediately realized that something was off with Derek even though she hasn't seen him in years. She can see something in him that's off and...well they are Meredith and Derek after all. **

**I'm going to try to update this tomorrow but I have a one shot in my head that's begging to be written so I'm doing that first (hopefully tonight) so we'll see, but probably tomorrow or Sunday. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: The show is currently blowing my mind. It really is. I don't own it though.**

**Sorry thi s took a bit longer than planned! It was a truly insane week at work this week, I only managed to have one day off and hell, well it was hell. But here it is now. And it's a bit of a toss up...Meredith's side of life.**

**Enjoy!**

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Meredith had to stop looking at her phone.

It was absurd. She was absurd. Looking at her phone every five seconds just because she gave a boy her number was absurd. It was probably even more absurd or something that it was that boy, the boy she had spent a summer dating. Or not dating, she wasn't sure how much dating she remembered. She had spent a summer screaming and yelling and doing crazy things and sex, lots and lots of hot, wild sex. That was the boy she had given her number too and now she was checking her phone like an obsessed teenage girl, which hadn't been her even when she was a teenage girl. Stupid, this was stupid and he probably wasn't going to call and even if he did it wouldn't be the day after she gave him her number. She didn't even like him. She hadn't even thought of him in years and staring at her phone was stupid.

She should just work. She had work to do, big important work and she should just do that instead of staring at the silent phone and wishing it wasn't so silent.

That just seemed easier than doing the work. Or not, she liked the work. She loved her job. Meredith knew she liked her job even as she sighed deeply and looked around her spacious office. She just had to get used to it, get used to having a big office to herself instead of the tiny cubicle she had had in Boston. But it was good, a big office was good and she would get used to it.

At least she was pretty sure she would get used to the view. She smiled as her eyes fell upon the large window that overlooked the city, the millions of cars and people milling around below and she was pretty sure she could get used to this. Even if she would probably prefer trees to the sharp edges of the tall buildings it was a good view. She shouldn't complain and it was New York, it was good to be back in New York, weird but good and it was good.

She jumped as her phone suddenly rang.

"Helllo?" she sighed, picking it up without even looking at the screen because she was pretty sure it wasn't going to be Derek. He was probably…it probably wasn't Derek.

"Bored out of your mind yet?" her best friend Cristina's voice came over the phone.

"No, no…I'm not…I just…not bored, waiting for the phone to ring but I'm not bored," she denied quickly, swearing at herself for even mentioning the phone call.

"An interesting phone call?"

"No," she snapped and then sighed. "Yes or no and it's not…he's not…"

"So the phone call is a he. Sounds interesting to me. At least more interesting than sitting in that office playing with pictures and words and that shit you do."

"It's not…it's…Derek."

"Who?"

"You remember Derek, right? McDreamy?"

"Oh, McAsshat," Cristina laughed on the other end, and Meredith suddenly wondered why she was still best friends with her. "What about…wait, that's who you're waiting for a phone call from? How the hell did that happen?"

"It just…happened."

"Last time I breathed his name in your presence you threatened to kill me with my own scaple."

"That was…that was a really long time ago," Meredith frowned, because she was pretty sure that had happened right after they had had their last big screaming match and that probably didn't really count anymore. "And we just…he was at the bar and we saw each other and he…I gave him my number and he said he'd call, except he hasn't and he was probably just being polite or something and stupid, I'm stupid."

"Why the hell would you want McAsshat to call?"

"Because that…that was a long time ago and I don't know a lot of people in New York and friends are, I could use some friends so it would be good if he could call and be…friendly."

"You two weren't exactly friendly to each other," Cristina laughed.

"Long time ago!" Meredith snapped into the phone. "That was…I'm not that girl and he's probably not that guy because things change, people change."

"Who was he at the bar with?"  
"Mark…"

"He's changed so much," Cristina sighed and Meredith was pretty sure she could see her best friend rolling her eyes on the other end of the phone even though she couldn't actually see her best friend.

"Mark wasn't the problem. Mark is…Mark's a manwhore but he was kind of really great and he wasn't…Mark wasn't the problem. I liked Mark. I was apparently the first girlfriend that liked Mark and Derek and I were the problem, it was…we were…I'm not, that's not even what this is about."

"Than what is wanting to talk to your ass of an ex about?"

"It's…there's something wrong with him," Meredith breathed, remembering how Derek had looked the night before, decidedly not…Dereky. "There's something wrong and I think…he needs someone to talk to."

"There's a lot wrong with him."

"Cristina!"

"Fine," Cristina groaned. "I'll entertain you. What's wrong with him?"

"His eyes weren't sparkling."

"Come again?"

"His eyes, they sparkle, he has these amazing blue sparkling eyes and they weren't…sparkling and that, that's not Derek. That's…his eyes sparkle."

"Oh god…"

"I just…I think he needs someone to talk to. Cristina, you…I know you never liked him but if you had seen him, you would understand. If you had been there and seen him…"

"I would have been there if you had bothered to invite me. And you wouldn't have talked to him if I had been there."

"I…it was sisters' night with Molly and Lexie," Meredith frowned at her cell phone. "It was…I couldn't invite you, they're my sisters and it was…sisters' night."

"I'm your person."

"Yes."

"Person trumps sisters."

"Except for on sisters' night which I know sounds lame but…sisters trump person."

"I bet they were all giggly and asking you who the hot guy with the perfect hair you were talking to was."

"No they…they…yeah, basically."

"What did you tell them?" Cristina laughed.

"A…a…friend, I said he was a friend."

"Oh come on, Mer," Cristina laughed again. "Didn't tell the giggling sisters all about the hot and wild summer the two of you shared? Didn't ask them about his sparkling eyes?"

"I…" Meredith breathed, shaking her head. "Person trumps sisters."

"I just can't believe you're waiting for that ass to call. Again."

"Cristina, I…" Meredith sighed, chewing on her bottom lip as she stared out the window at the reflection of the blue sky and white clouds on the windows of the building beside hers. Stupid, this had been stupid, telling Cristina was stupid because Cristina had never liked Derek. Even when they had been together or whatever they had been, Cristina had always thought that Derek was somewhere between boring and being an ass. Meredith was pretty sure Cristina had never even noticed the way Derek's eyes sparkled so telling her had definitely been stupid. "I should…work, I have work to do."

"Of course," Cristina scoffed. "Meredith?"

"Yeah?"

"Just watch out," her friend sighed. "You're extra rambly about this and I know what you two…watch out."

"I…nothing to watch out for."

"Whatever you say," Cristina breathed. "And a trauma just came in so I have lives to save and interns to scare, get back to that boring ass job of yours."

"It's not boring."

"It's boring."

Before Meredith had time to respond the other end of the phone went dead as Cristina hung up.

And now Meredith was not going to stare at the phone. Cristina was right, she was being stupid, she was being really stupid and it was just Derek. Derek. And years ago they had been some big kind of mess and now she probably shouldn't even care that his eyes weren't sparkling. It wasn't her job to worry about his eyes and their sparkliness and stupid, she was just stupid. He wasn't going to call and getting her hopes up about Derek Shepherd would be stupid.

She just had to stop staring at the phone.

**So that's Meredith's life...spent staring at the phone, waiting for Derek to call and not having any luck. So she stares out the window at the clouds. Lots of staring and yes, Cristina is her best friend and everything else about her life will be explained further as it goes but that's a quick intro. I may update tomorrow but if not then it will probably be Monday. Read. Love. Review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: It feels like it's been forever since we had a new episode of Grey's. *sigh* I don't own it though so don't look at me.**

**Sorry for the delay ladies (and any gents who may happen to read). Work has been keeping me quite busy and quite tired out so it took a bit longer than expected but it's here now.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Boat...no...surfing...I...I don't know," Melissa shook her head, covering her mouth as she leaned back and laughed hard.

"Water, something about water!" Jamie yelled.

"Come on, guys!" Madie groaned and Derek fought the urge to laugh hard at his fiancee as she moved around the front of the room, making large guestures with her hands that even he wasn't sure exactly what they were supposed to mean. She was usually so put together and right now, she was failing around like an idiot. "This is easy!"

"Except it's clearly not," Katie rolled her eyes, causing her husband, Mike, to laugh loudly.

"Someone has to guess it," David shook his head. "We're kicking your asses."

"Wiping them all over the floor," Derek nodded, shaking his head as he leaned back. This was good. Madie had sprung it on him unexpectedly, something to cheer him up after the camping trip with Mark hadn't helped as much as he had hoped it would. And he was having fun, he was having fun with their couple friends and this was good. It was really good and he probaby couldn't remember the last time he had actually laughed this much.

He was just going to ignore the tiny voice in his head that was reminding him he had a lot of fun camping, it just hadn't helped when he had gotten home.

"And this has to be the last round, hun," Jeremy sighed, looking over at Melissa. "We told the sitter we'd be home in fifteen minutes."

"We should head home too, Kevin," Jamie sighed. "We have that early morning appointment we have to get to."

"Not to mention this one is about to start snoring," Adam laughed, gesturing to the girl that he had just started seeing a few months before, Derek was pretty sure her name was Kristina or Tina or something like that.

"Thanks for talking, guys," Madie sighed, staring at the timer. "Now we're out of time."

"You've never been good at losing," Derek smirked at his fiance.

"Shut up," she laughed, falling onto his lap. "This really has been fun, we should all do it more often."

"We should," Derek agreed.

Their friends left quickly after that, picking up jackets and hugging each other goodbye as the small group that had crowded Derek's brownstone left, leaving the brownstone that usually looked like a magazine spread looking like an actual lived in home. It was good, it was good to have their friends over and Derek had felt normal for a bit. Derek looked around at the rumbled couch cushions and the empty wine glasses littering the table and couldn't help but smile. This was that he had thought he was supposed to feel like or it was something, this was something.

"Derek? You still in there?"

"Yeah...sorry. Just thinking. That was fun, wasn't it?"

"It was," Madie nodded, frowning at the mess. "Hate how messy it makes this place though."

"Go to sleep, Mads. I don't have any appointments in the morning, I'll get it cleaned up before I leave."

"You want me to leave it over night?"

"I do," Derek laughed, guiding her toward the stairs. "I'll be up in a few minutes, just want to do a few things down here first."

"Okay," Madie sighed, moving slowly up the stairs.

Derek sighed as he watched her back disappear around the corner upstairs. His house was silent again, silent and echoey with the emptiness. It had been a good night, a really good night and he just needed ot go to his office and do some paperwork instead of concentrating on the silence suddenly filling his home or the way the rumpled pillows that he had convinced Madie to leave alone looked so out of place in the rest of the pristine living room.

Even the remants of their simple charades game looked out of place against the carefully picked out furniture and he couldn't ignore the sudden heaviness in his chest.

Air, he just needed fresh air to clean his head and then he'd be able to go upstairs to fall asleep beside his fiancee. He'd remember how good he had felt moments before, before the odd shadow of darkness had settled and he would fall asleep fine tonight. He had to believe that, he had to believe that fresh air was all that he was going to need tonight.

He moved slowly and quietly, opening the front door and sighing in relief when it barely made a squeak. They never went to bed together anymore, Derek couldn't remember the last time they had climbed into bed at the same time for anything besides sex, so she wouldn't expect him up soon. She'd think he was doing paperwork in his office or watching something on tv. But if she heard the door opening she would have questions and right now, in this moment, Derek didn't feel like answering any of those questions. Mainly because he wasn't even sure what the answers would be.

The cooler air hit him hard and he sucked in a sharp breath, a combination of shock and relief as he moved to sit down on the stairs, grateful that the night seemed clear enough, not that he could see any stars through the smog and lights of the city. He was pretty sure that one day he would get used to the starless nights, one day he'd stop the constant thoughts of how empty and dark the sky looked without the tiny holes of light to brighten it up. He just needed...he wasn't exactly sure what he needed but right now the cool, fresh air was at least making his head feel less foggy than it had moments before. He was pretty sure that less foggy would make sleep come easier and tonight, his entire body suddenly feeling a little too heavy, he wanted a good night of sleep. He just needed to stop thinking of the way his chest had felt heavy after his home had emptied out of people.

He needed to think of something else.

His brain flipped over the the familiar giggle and smell of lavender from the week before that had been filling his thoughts recently. It had been a week since she programmed her number into his phone and he hadn't used it yet. He had looked at the number, he had toyed with the idea of dialling it just to hear the soft giggle again but he hadn't.

Which meant she had either long forogotten that she had even seen him or she was screaming mad at him, just waiting to see him again so she could hit him with her tiny ineffectual fists.

Twelve years ago she would have hit him.

But a lot had changed in twelve years.

He should call her. He should call her for if no other reason to catch up and...he should just call her. They had shared a summer, an amazing summer and it only was right that he call her and they could remember those times, remember their summer.

Even if remembering it had felt like some kind of tortures as of late.

He should just call her.

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialled the number quickly, decided it was best to ignore the confusing way his heart was suddenly thudding hard in his chest.

"Hello?" a muffled familiar voice came over the phone.

"He...oh shit, it's late, isn't it?" Derek breathed, suddenly realizing he had no clear idea what itme it was. "I'm so sorry. I probably shouldn't have..."

"Derek? Is that you?"

"Yeah," he sighed, running his fingers through his hair, shifting uncomfortably on the porch step. "Sorry I called so late."

"No...it's...it's fine and...fine," Meredith breathed across the line. "What...you should be sorry that it's been a week and you're finally calling, that's...you should be sorry for that."

"Oh," he laughed. "Busy neurosurgeon, Mer."

"Of course. And I wasn't...it's not late. Or it is but I wasn't sleeping, just mouthful and...I had my mouthful."

"I should have known," he smiled into his phone. "Eating and answering the phone with your mouthful, that's the Meredith I know."

"Shut up."

"Our second conversation in over a decade and you're already telling me to shut up?"

"You don't even know me anymore."

"I don't," Derek breathed.

"Oh."

"So...we're in the same city," he murmured.

"We are."

"Which is..."

"Odd? Amazing? An explosion of whatever?"

"Us being the same city is an explosion?"

"Derek!" Meredith hissed over the phone. "Twelve years, it's been twelve years and there's...you can't make fun of me. You haven't seen me in twelve years and it's...it's very explosive so just..."

"Shut up?"

"Yes."

"If I was there right now, you'd hit me, wouldn't you?"

"I...yes."

"Though so," he smirked and then sighed. "I did not make this phone call just so I could harass you."

"Of course not."

"We're in the same city and it's been a long time. And we should...we should get together and catch up. Soon."

"We should," Meredith murmured and Derek was almost sure he could see the exact smile that she would have on her face right now, the small one that made her eyes sparkle even more than they usually did.

"Do you still have that unhealthy Starbucks addiction?"

"I...it's not unhealthy."

"Mer, you do realize how much sugar is in it, right?"

"I seem to remember you drinking some yourself, mister."

"I did," he laughed. "Do you...there's one down the street from the bar we were at last week. Do you want to get together there for coffee sometime?"

"That...that would be nice."

"Does Friday work for you?"

"Yeah...yeah."

"Hmmmm..." Derek breathed, suddenly feeling warmth wash over his body or something that didn't sound as weird but certainly felt like warmth, a warmth that was different than what he had been feeling before with his friends, as a completely different smile stretched across his face. "Good."

"So Friday...what time?"

"Oh...seven?"

"Seven sounds good."

"Good."

"So...I should...sleep, I should probably sleep and you probably have surgery or something and you can't...tired is bad for surgery so we should both sleep and...Friday."

"We should sleep," Derek nodded. "Friday."

"I'll see you then, Der."

"See you, Mer," he murmured before the phone went dead.

Meredith was right, he should sleep. He should go inside and sleep and...Madison was probably wondering where he was because he didn't usually take this long to get to bed and he should at least try to sleep. He came outside to clear his head and he was pretty sure it would be a good idea to at least try to sleep and maybe tonight it would come quickly. Over the last week, since the night he had seen Meredith, it had been a struggle but maybe tonight he would collapse into bed. He was exhausted and he should sleep.

Except right now, his chest felt clear, his head felt clear and the cold night air felt too refreshing to move. He didn't care that the sky looked like someone had painted black over all the tiny stars and he didn't care that the tree he was looking at had obviously been planted and wasn't nearly as big as the ones near his mom's.

Derek Shepherd felt good.

And he was terrified, that walking into that house, that laying down beside his fiancee, would destroy that.

Friday.

_She rescues me..._

**So the whole big point of this update is to show that Derek isn't in a dark place. He's not in a good place but there's moments of his life, moments spent with Madie in their too perfect home that makes him think that maybe he could be happy. But they're short and fleeting and then he's back to knowing something's wrong...at which point he calls Meredith who makes everything okay again. And now they're going out for coffee on Friday. **

**Which is an update which will hopefully be up by tomorrow but probably well Friday at the latest. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is going to be on, really really soon. And I still don't own it.**

**Sorry for the delay on this update, work yet again has been nuts so writing keep s taking the hit and for no apparent reason I found this one a little on the challenging side to write but it's here now. Not what you may have expected but an update all the same.**

**Enjoy!**

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_Silence surrounded them._

_Derek leaned back, his hands rubbing against the rough wood of the weathered dock and stared up at the bright blue sky. It was cloudless, blue going on for miles and miles, and interrupted by nothing. He nearly wanted to call it perfect but somehow that sounded cheesy even for him. Besides the lake was probably more perfect, completely still, completely uninterrupted by anything around it. This was perfect. He was pretty sure this was a perfect moment or something. The sun was shinning, the sky was blue, the water was clear and even the temperature was perfect. This was perfect._

_And the girl sitting beside him was oddly giggling._

_"Do I even want to ask?" he sighed, not bothering to turn and look at the girl he was dating or his girlfriend or something._

_"No. It's...no," Meredith giggled softly. "This is..."_

_"Why are you giggling?"_

_"Because it's..." she sighed, shifting slightly beside him. "It's quiet. Like weirrdly, strangely quiet which is...it's good, but werid."_

_"Hmmm..." he nodded. "That makes sense."_

_"Why does it make sense?"_

_"Well...with how much you talk, I'm not sure how often you hear silence all around you," he murmured, his shoulder's shaking as he tried not to laugh. She wouldn't take that well. In the last two weeks he had learned that she wouldn't take that well._

_"Derek!" she gasped, hitting his arm. "You...you're the chatty one. You...you're chatty and I'm just...I don't..."_

_"I may be chatty but I'm not sure I've ever heard someone talk so much without actually saying anything," he laughed._

_"Derek Shepherd!" she shouted._

_And suddenly the blue sky was moving above him as he felt two small hands flat against his back, the rough wood of the deck moving along his ass. "Mer..." he managed to gasp, just as he hit the water hard, the coolness surrounding him as he shook his head, his hair moving through the water before he pushed himself back off the ground of the lake, coming back out from the refreshing water. "What was the for?"_

_"What...what do you think that was for?" she smirked, her eyes sparkling._

_"I'm going to get you," he laughed, shaking his head as he grabbed for her ankles, laughing loudly as she tried to move away from him tried to escape and ended up just tripping over her own feet, the giggle that still made his heart stop filling the air._

_"Derek!" she squealed as his one hand managed to wrap around her tiny ankle and he yanked hard, dragging her into the water with a loud splash._

_"Got you!" he laughed as she splashed around, trying to stand back up in the lake._

_"Derek!" she gasped. "Der...Derek!"_

_"You knew it was coming."_

_"I...I hate you!" she frowned, finally regaining her barings in the cool water, her arm moving to splash at the water. "I hate you!"_

_"You do not!" he laughed, splashing her back._

_"I do!"_

_"Full of it," he smirked, turning his head as the water sloshed against him. "You're full of it!"  
"I'm...I'm not noisey!"_

_"You talk constantly!"_

_"Shut up!"_

_"No!  
"I'm going to..."_

_"You're going to what?" he laughed, ducking below the water to avoid another splash. She moved quickly but he managed to grab her waist, bringing her close to him as he resurfaced. "What are you going to do, Mer?"_

_"I...cheating," she pouted._

_"I don't think water fights have rules."_

_"They do and this is..."_

_"Agaisnt them?" he smirked, pulling her even closer._

_"I still hate you."_

_"Hmmm..." he nodded, moving so his arm was wrapped tightly around her before he ducked his head down, capturing her wet lips with his own._

_"Derek..." she groaned against his lips, wrapping her arms around his neck._

_The breath rushed out of Derek as the kiss intensified, his tongue demanding entry into her mouth as her wet chest pressed hard against him, her hands grasping as his sobbing wet curls. A groan escaped her lips as he traced her teeth with his tongue before pulling back slightly to nip softly at her lips, smiling at the way her entire body quivered against his. "Mer..." he whispered before deepening the kiss again, moving his body so his erection rocking against her hips._

_"Please..."_

_"Hmmm..." he nodded, moving his hands to her ass as he moved them both out of the water, barely letting his lips leave hers as they reached toward the shore._

_"Der..." she breathed as he lowered her to to the grass beside the dock._

_"We need to get you out of this wet shirt," he breathed before lowering his hands to the buttons along her chest and suddenly clothes were being ripped off, the wet fabric being torn away from the wet skin that it had been clinging too as the couple moved together, lips smashing together desperately as they grasped for each other._

_"Please," she gasped as he peeled away her bra, letting her breasts meet the cool air surrounding the two of them._

_"God," he grunted as he pulled her panties out of the way before removing his own boxer._

_"Derek...please..."_

_He smiled softly, letting his erection rub against her folds, loving the way her eyes rolled back slightly in her head at the feel before he slipped inside her, gasping at the feel of her soft body surrounding him. His lips found hers again, the kiss just as desperate as before as he rocked slowly in and out of her, breathing hard as her body arched and she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. She rocked her hips up to meet his every thrust, her body pulling him deeper as her breath started coming out in sharp pants, her body quivering underneath his. _

_"Der!" she gasped as he felt the force of her orgasm wash over her body, soon pushing his own orgasm over the edge._

_"Oh..." he breathed, rolling off of her._

_"I...I..." she panted. "Wow."_

_"Hmmm..."_

_"Glad I came home," she giggled breathlessly._

_"So am I," he smiled, turning slightly to look at her, still naked, her body still trembling slightly and her lips swollen and deep red, jumping off her pale skin._

_Two weeks, it had been two weeks since she had finally followed him home after coming to the conclusion that the two of them standing in the rain was ridiculous. It had been two weeks of spending almost every day with her and he couldn't believe...he wasn't exactly sure what it was that he couldn't believe except he wasn't sure he had remembered a time in his life before now when everything had felt like it made so much sense. He couldn't remember a time when he had felt anything like this before._

_He turned his head back again, staring at the blue cloudless sky, loving the feel of the damp grass against his bare back as his hand found hers._

_Derek Shepherd was happy._

_**I love the way you make me feel  
It slows down time**_

**So yes, it was another flashback. And the importance of this flashback...well it's more important than just sex..but that will be seen in the next update so I'm doing the writer's blog thing and not saying anything. I plan to post that update tomorrow night. Read. Love. Review.**


	10. Chapter 10

Caramel macchiato.

She was probably being an idiot. The warm drinks were keeping her hands warm against the cool fall air but getting them before he even got here was probably stupid. He probably didn't even drink caramel macchiatos anymore and he would just...stare at her or something and bad, this was going to be really, entirely, stupidly, bad.

Someone suddenly knocked into her and she cursed as the hot coffee sloshed over her hand. She was certain that any day that started with coffee splashing against her hand was going to be a crap day. It had to be. Because since he had finally called she had gotten the brilliant idea that maybe they should go for a walk because they had always liked walking, but today the sky was dark and heavy with clouds and she was pretty sure it could rain and then they'd be stuck outside and Derek would probably hate her or something.

If he didn't already hate her for getting her a caramel macchiato.

She needed to breathe or something. Because Derek was...Derek was her past and she was pretty sure she just felt jumpy because she was still adjusting to the crowded New York streets and the buildings standing tall over her.

And it didn't actually matter what Derek thought because they were meeting to catch up and would probably go back to never seeing each other again.

"Meredith!"

"Derek!" Meredith gasped, turning around quickly. He looked good, even if his eyes didn't sparkle anymore, he looked good. His curls were under control, shot through with a tiny bit of grey and his face was far more lined but he looked really good.

"Hey," he smiled, reaching to hug her quickly.

He smelled good, he smelled amazing and like…spice and musk and Meredith was pretty sure he hadn't smelled this good years ago. He hadn't smelled anything like this. "Hey," she finally breathed as he pulled away.

"It's…it's so amazing to see you again," he breathed, shaking his head slightly.

"I know," Meredith nodded. "I…coffee…I already got the coffees which was probably…"

"Did you get me a caramel macchiato?"

"It's your favourite," she smiled. "Or was…"

"Still is but I haven't had one in ages," Derek breathed, grabbing it from her hand. "Thanks."

"You haven't had one in ages?" she raised an eyebrow. "You used to drink one a day. Sometimes two…how have you not had one in ages?"

"Oh. Madie thinks they have too much sugar in them."

"Madie?"

"My fiancée," Derek nodded, taking a sip, a breath of relief or satisfaction escaping him as he swallowed and Meredith figured she should ignore the stab of disappointment or something that followed his simple answer. Of course he was engaged and it didn't really matter because they had been down that path, they had been together and it had exploded and she was here to catch up with an old friend and it really didn't matter if that old friend was engaged or…she had to stop rambling in her head. Derek was here and he was happy with his drink and she needed to stop rambling.

"Congrats," she smiled.

"Thanks," he sighed. "We…do you want to take a walk?"

"Yeah, yeah," she nodded. "That would be nice."

"Hmmm…" he breathed, grabbing for her hand to thread it through the crook of his arm. She knew that sound. She hadn't heard it in ages, and she was certain he was the only man who made it and she remembered it painfully well.

"So you're engaged."

"I am," he nodded slowly. "Have been for a couple of months."

"That's…that's good," she breathed. "How long have you been together?"

"Five years," he laughed. "And please don't lecture me on how long it took me to propose, I've already heard it from my mom and sisters a million times."

"I bet you have," she giggled.

"It just didn't feel right," he shrugged.

"And now it does?"

"I guess so, yeah," he nodded again, slower than he had nodded before and Meredith was pretty sure his eyes had grown even duller which was, she wasn't sure what it was but she was pretty sure talking about his fiancée shouldn't make him sadder.

"Good, that's good," Meredith smiled. "How's your mom?"

"She's my mom," he laughed, the darkness leaving his eyes again. "She's still…probably the exact same she was when you knew her."

"She sent me a card when my mom died."

"She would," Derek nodded. "I was going to call but with…I wasn't sure if that would be best."

"Your mom said that in the card. And called you chicken," she giggled.

"She would," he shook his head, shifting slightly to look at her carefully, a small smile causing his eyes to crinkle in a way that made Meredith want to smooth them away.

"What?"

"The giggle," he shrugged. "You haven't really changed. You're still…something."

"Oh," she breathed, her face heating. "I…trust me, I've changed. I've changed and it's…just I have changed. Life changed."

"That sounds like a story," he murmured.

"It is."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No, I mean…I know we're catching up and I'll tell you things but it's long and…can we not today?"

"Of course."

"Thanks."

"Hmmm…" he nodded, taking a sip of coffee as silence fell over them.

Twelve years, it had been twelve years since they had seen each other and Meredith had no idea but she felt at peace or something. Despite the sky that looked like it promised to open up any second and torture them with pounding rain. And the fact the air had cooled slightly as they walked and was no biting at her cheeks, she felt like she was at peace. Which was crazy but he was Derek and he had always made her feel this way.

At least until the screaming at each other had started.

Before the screaming had started, he had been the only place where she had felt like maybe she could be quiet.

A cold breeze ruffled her hair and she found herself curling closer to him, to his strong warm presence that she was suddenly remembering with frightening clarity even though it had only been three months of being together. He had been her Derek.

"Are you happy?" she suddenly whispered.

"I don't know," he breathed. "I know I'm supposed to be but…"

"But what?"

"I'm not sure that this is what happiness is supposed to feel like."

"Oh."

"Remember that day at the lake?" he asked, smiling softly, his eyes even looking a little softer, almost like they wanted to sparkle again but had forgotten how. "You pushed me in?"

"And then we had sex," she giggled.

"Which was what we always did," he laughed, and then sighed, shaking his head slightly. "I thought that that was what happiness was supposed to feel like. I thought…I was happy that day."

"And you're not now?"

"It doesn't feel like it."

"Hmmm…" she breathed, echoing the sound that was completely and totally his as she leaned into him.

Silence fell again as they moved along the crowded sidewalk, arm and arm both sipping at their coffees. It was an ugly day outside, getting uglier by the second and there were too many people surrounding them. She couldn't help but miss the trees that they used to walk through, walking around trees was easier than navigating crowds of people, but this was okay. This was more than okay or something. She had no idea what they were doing or what they would do next but this was okay.

Even if Derek knew he wasn't happy.

Meredith was pretty sure this was okay.

_I have seen you_

_in this white wave_

_you are silent_

_you are breathing_

_in this white wave_

_I am free_


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Someone is getting married on Grey's Anatomy soon. I don't know who it is. But if I owned the show it would be Meredith and Derek.**

**Sorry!! Sorry sorry sorry. I know it's been forever and I'm sorry. I've been busy with work and kind of got in a writing slump which is bad, I know it's bad. Very sorry. But it's here now, finally finished and well...here.**

**Enjoy!**

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He couldn't get her giggle out of his head.

Since the week before, when he had walked her back to the Starbucks, lightly kissing her cheek as he said goodbye the soft melodious sound filled his head whenever he was awake. Even during his surgery earlier that day, he hadn't been able to drown out the addicting sound with the loud music he had filled the OR with, music that had instantly reminded him of their summer together even wehen he hadn't chosen that CD on purpose. But it was the infectious giggle that wouldn't leave him alone, that made the shadows on his ceiling at night seem a little more comforting or something.

Maybe it was because Meredith knew.

"I really think we should go teal for the bridesmaid's dresses, " Madie sighed. "It's the hottest new colour and it will look amazing on all my girls."

"Hmmm..."

"And your eyes would look great against it in the pictures," she nodded firmly, staring down at whatever bridal magazine she had pulled from the mountain she had managed to accumulate over the last few months. "Of course it would make the flowers hard...maybe yellow."

"Yellow works."

"Yellow roses mean friendship though..."

He wasn't happy.

He spent his nights watching the shadows of empty tree branches pass over his ceiling before he usually climbed out of the bed and spent the rest of his night hiding between paperwork and movies he honestly couldn't give a damn about. His days were spent filled with plans with Mark and other friends hoping that something would catch, that he would find something that made him forget about the weird feeling that had been plaguing him for...he had no idea when they had even started. And now he was sitting at the kitchen table, the only thing in his own place that he even liked a little, the simple wooden kitchen table and his fiancee was trying to plan their wedding and he could not even begin to pay attention.

He was sure he had been happy at some point, he clearly remembered being happy when he had bought the ring and asked her to move in. He remembered how good it had felt to hold the diamond in his hand and to lug her boxes into their home. He would have sworn to anyone at the time that this was all he wanted out of life.

And then Meredith had asked him an entirely simple question and he had found himself completely unable to say anything but no.

He wasn't happy.

"And I think we need to choose between a band and a dj," Madie sighed. "I think a band would be much better but that little sister of your s swears we need a dj instead..."

"Hmmm..."

"I mean, a dj sounds like a high school dance and I will not allow my wedding to be like a highschool dance."

"'Course not," Derek nodded.

"A band is just so much classier."

"Yeah."

"Derek, are you even listening to me?"

"I am," Derek nodded quickly. "I just have a surgery on my brain but I'm listening...band, dj, listening."

"Good," Madie nodded firmly, her attention turning back to the magazine in front of her, the spread of bridesmaids dresses in colours that Derek wasn't even sure of the exact name of covering the table.

Wedding planning, he was supposed to be doing wedding planning.

Except he couldn't help but wonder if Meredith was at work right now. She was an advertiser, which was...when he had known her she had no idea what she had wanted to be but it made sense, Meredith Grey being an advertiser made sense. She had given him her work email and he wanted to use it, he wanted to send her a quick message and see if they could get together again, grab a drink at the crowded dark bar where they had first run into each other.

He just needed to see her again.

He needed someone to tell him that it was okay that he wasn't happy and someone to make it feel like...like he could be happy again.

She still smelled like lavender. Besides the giggled, that was the other thing that so clearly stood out, she still smelled like the flower he had spent the summer tangled in and somehow the smell had been calming and comforting, something that reached back to the days where life had been simple and he had known what he wanted. Those had been good days, it had been an amazing summer and walking down the crowded New York street, arm in arm and talking so quietly that it was like they were living in their own secret world it had felt like that again, like maybe now that he could hear the giggle and smell the lavender it would be okay again, that his world could start over.

It sounded insane and like come crap Hallmark movie in his head but he couldn't help but think it.

It probably had something to do with the perfect night of sleep he had fallen into that night and hadn't been able to recrapture since.

"I really need to get on the flowers to make sure we have fresh ones," Madie sighed, apparently still holding the conversation with herself about the wedding they desperately needed to plan. "The fakes are so tacky."

"Okay," Derek nodded slowly.

"I guess I'll get one of the girls to go with me," she sighed.

"Your flowers."

"You really are wrapped up in this surgery, aren't you?"

"Hmmm..." he nodded slowly again.

Ass, he was a complete and total ass. The women he was engaged to, that he had believed himself in love with was trying to plan a wedding and all he could think about was an ex-girlfriend that he barely knew now. It wasn't fair and it was actually wrong. It didn't matter that he wasn't sure if he was happy, Madie deserved more than him thinking of someone else while she was trying to plan her dream wedding.

The bright rock on her finger caught his eyes, reminding him why he was even sitting here. He had asked her to marry him. He had promised her forever.

Even if he wasn't happy, he had no idea how to go back on that promise.

_Breakdown, on the shoreline,_

_Can't move, it's an ebbtide,_

_Morning don't get here tonight,_

_Searching for her silver light._

**So there it finally was...finally on many levels. Finally because well the update and Derek realizing just how not happy he is with his life right now. And yet, he's Derek and he made a promise so now...he has no idea what to do now. And that is where it is, where he is. **

**And I may update tomorrow depending on how work goes...probably Thursday at the latest. Promise. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Meredith and Derek are so insanely cute on the show right now that not only do I not own the show, I don't want to own the show. Shonda can keep it.**

**Sorry this took so long guys! For some reason it kept giving me issues, and with work being a little crazy, it just took a bit so yes, many apologies and all that jazz but I'm so rarely on time anyway hahaha.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Lexie, if you could just...I mean, it's crazy, I know it sounds crazy but his eyes used to sparkle...and now it's like...I'm not making sense, I'm well aware that I'm not maknig any sense," Meredith sighed, chewing at her bottom lip and staring at the Starbucks cup in her hand as Lexie held open a door for her.

"No, no, I get it," Lexie nodded.

"You do?" Meredith frowned. "Because I'm not sure I actually get it. I mean...eyes, sparkling and that's...eyes don't sparkle."

"But Derek's did," Lexie shrugged, moving around two small children that had stopped in the middle of everyone's way to grab a cart.

"They did."

"And now they don't."

"They don't."

"So..." Lexie sighed. "When you were together years ago he was happy but now you think he's not happy."

"I don't...I don't think he's not happy," Meredith sighed, toying with her bottom lip again as Lexie made a sharp turn toward the produce section. This was crazy, not the grocery shopping part, that was normal. The still talking about Derek part was crazy. It had been a week since she had even heard from him and still talking about it was crazy. She needed to stop and she just needed to stop. She would probably never even hear from him and crazy,she was going crazy. "I know he's not happy. He said so..."

"Why isn't he happy?"

"I don't know. I...he changed the subject and I mean...we don't even know each other so I let him, it was just...I don't know."

"Maybe he needs someone to talk to," Lexie shrugged.

"Maybe...but I...I just don't know," Meredith sighed, grabbing a bag of apple from a pile and throwing it in the cart. "I miss the sparkle, which is insane because I haven't seen him in ages but I miss the sparkling eyes."

"What happened with you to?"

"We kind of exploded."

"Exploded?"

"I was...my life was different than, his life was different and I don't know," Meredith breathed, fiddling with the watch on her wrist. "We yelled a lot. There was...I loved him, god I loved him but we just yelled a lot and it was...it wasn't bad but I guess eventually the yelling just kind of...exploded."

"Oh," Lexie nodded. "And it was a summer in college?"

"I was in college, he was in med school. And already had the ego of a doctor," Meredith giggled.

"And you loved him."

"I did," Meredith nodded slowly. "I went to see his mom a few weeks after the break up and she thought...she thought we love each other too much. More than we were ready for or something."

"That's kind of...tragically romantic," Lexie laughed softly as she turned to go down another aisle.

"It's..." Meredith sighed, her voice dying in her throat as she caught sight of a familiar head of dark curly hair making his way down the aisle, toward her. Derek. Derek who had been plaguing her thoughts for the last week even if he had all but dropped off the face of the planet. He was walking down the aisle, glancing at the boxes of cereal, a guy that had to be Mark Sloan trailing behind him. He was here. He was here and looking better than any man had any business looking while shopping, a casual blazer thrown over the blue button down that made his eyes look shockingly blue or something. It was probably wrong or something to look that good while grocery shopping.

"It's what, Meredith?" Lexie asked, her name causing Derek's head to snap around, and a large smile spread across his face.

"Meredith!" he called softly.

"Derek," she smiled as he moved toward her and she really tried to ignore the odd way her heart thudded in her chest.

He was engaged. He might not be happy and today he looked out right exhausted now that he was moving closer to her but the fact still remained very firm that he was an engaged man and she was probably perfect and they didn't yell at each other and stuff.

"Hey," he murmured as he pulled her into a quick and tight hug.

"Hey."

"I...hi..." he laughed as he pulled away.

"Hi," she giggled. Crazy, he was engaged and they had exploded years ago and she was just being completely crazy.

"Mark, you remember Mark," Derek smiled, gesturing to his best friend.

"I'm not sure it's possible to forget Mark," Meredith laughed.

"It's not," Mark smirked.

"I didn't mean that in a good way," she groaned.

"Whatever you say, Grey," Mark laughed before his eyes did the weird twinkling thing that only meant bad things as he turned to look at Lexie. "Dr. Mark Sloan, one of the top plastic guys on the East coast not that you would..."

"Stop right there."

"What?"

"No, you're not...no," Meredith shook her head quickly. "You clearly haven't changed and you are not taking my sister as your next conquest."

"Sister?" Derek frowned.

"I...yeah, long...half sister, long complicated story and she's my half sister...and that's...the story isn't the point so she's just...my sister."

"Nice to meet you," Derek smiled, offering Lexie his hand.

"Lexie, I have a name, Lexie," Lexie giggled.

"Nice to meet you, Lexie," Derek grinned. "I'm Derek."

"I figured," Lexie smiled. "Meredith had told me all about you. I mean...no, not that I...she doesn't talk about you all the time, she's just...she's said and I think...it's probably best to shut up. Shutting up. I'm shutting up."

"Well she is your sister for sure," Derek smirked.

"Shut up, Der," Meredith groaned, hitting his arm.

"Still abusive."

"Still unable to show up when you say you will," she shrugged and then frowned. "Or call, in this case it would be call."

"Sorry, it's been a crazy week at the practice and with the wed..."

"The wedding," Meredith breathed.

"Yeah," he sighed, running his fingers over his dark curls that were definitely showing the slight touch of gray in the hard lights of the grocery store. "Sorry, I kept meaning to call but kept getting distracted."

"It happens," Meredith nodded. "And I guess...we're both here and we're...you don't need to call anymore."

"I guess I don't," he smiled. "How has settling in been going?"

"It's going," she sighed. "I don't think...I still know no one and the people I work with are...they're like those unfriendly New York people that you see on movies but you don't think they exist and they do and I work with them."

"They can't be that bad," he laughed.

"They...they are and they...I can't say hi, Derek. I say hi and they look at me like I have two heads or green skin or something coming out of my nose or...something."

"It's probably because you're new and higher up than some of them. And if you act like you...more than a little intimidating."

"I'm...I am not intimidating."

"Maybe not in size, in size you look safe...but you...very intimidating."

"I...I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to that."

"Of course not," he grinned. "Are you busy this week? We could get together, get you more settled into the city. Mark and I have a regular bar, I'm sure there will be people I can introduce you to."

"That would be...yeah, yeah," Meredith breathed.

"Friday night?"

"Friday night," Meredith nodded, looking down at the ground because she was pretty sure she must look like an idiot with the wide smile she could feel stretch across her face and her cheeks were probably red. Because this was all entirely stupid and he was Derek from years ago and she...she didn't care that they were going to meet for drinks.

"I'll send you an email to figure it all out."

"Sounds good," she nodded, looking up at him again.

Bad idea, really bad idea, horribly bad idea. Because he was smiling at her in the way he had smiled at her years ago in the rain when they had first met, in the really amazing way that made his eyes look even more blue and even softer and somehow had always managed to make her feel like maybe she was the only person in the world for just a second. The smile had always been her weakness and he did not need to be smiling at her like that right now, in the middle of a grocery store with her sister and his best friend standing right there. She did not need this.

Especially since he was engaged.

"I...I should go," Derek murmured.

"You should."

"I'll see you later," he smiled.

"See you," Meredith breathed as he turned and walked away, Mark following beside him. "See you."

"Meredith..." Lexie laughed as Meredith grabbed for her sister's cart and pushed it quickly in the opposite direction. Because that had been...she didn't know what that had been and she wasn't thinking about it. She was moving towards...chips or something, She could use chips.

"Don't say it."

"Say what?"

"I...I don't actually know what exactly you're going to say but just...don't. Don't say it. Because I think I might...I might know what you're going to say... and I do not need to hear it."

"Okay," Lexie giggled slightly. "Whatever you say, Mer.

Which was good, it was good that Lexie wasn't going to say anything and they could finish their groceries and get out of here and forget all about the run in and the strange feeling that he had always given her that she had managed to foget about since she had last seen him.

Because suddenly it was all coming back, all coming crashing back.

Screwed. She was so screwed.

_But I look into your eyes, and I realize it again_

**And this is Meredith's side of things, Meredith who is feeling everything that she felt years ago when she first met Derek and it's all coming crashing back which is bad because he's engaged. But that's her. That's her trying really hard not to like him again. I may update tomorrow night, I hope to at least. Monday at the latest. Read. Love. Review.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: If I owned the show Alex and Izzie wouldn't have gotten married. Period. Simple as that. At least not in the way they did. *Sigh***

**Okay ladies, sorry for the delay on this one. Work has been nuts and then this update took some unexpected turns that made writing it take a lot longer than expected. But it was good unexpected things, and well...you'll see.**

**Enjoy!**

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He was happy.

Derek was beginning to realize that happiness was quite the vague idea but right now, in the bubble that the dark bar seemed to create, he felt something that had to be happiness deep in his chest or...somewhere.

He took a sip at the glass of scotch in his hand, wincing slightly at the familiar burning sensation chasing down his throat as he looked over at the familiar girl sitting beside him, the giggle he had never managed to forget filling the crowded bar as she told him about a client of hers that had had a horrible idea for an advertising campaign the day before. Something about monkeys that he knew he should be paying attention to but he was too busy being happy.

It felt good. Which he realized sounded silly, of course being happy felt good, but it felt nice to forget about the constant tightness in his chest for once and for the voices in the back of his mind to stop yelling about how something about his life was all wrong. Tonight with the blend of alcohol and the company of Meredith, who had always managed to make him happier even in the days where they used to scream at each other, he was sure he would be able to sleep tonight without spending the hours looking at the tree branches over his ceiling.

"And you're bored," Meredith sighed. "Here I am, rambling on about my life and you...I'm boring you."

"No," he shook his head quickly. "I'm listening, monkeys, see, listening?"

"You look a million miles away, Der."

"Sorry," Derek breathed, looking down at his glass in front of him, suddenly wishing that Meredith would reach over and brush a curl off his forehead like she would have done when they had been together and she had been worried about him. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"I'm happy."

"But you said..."

"I don't mean in general," he sighed. "I'm happy right now. Here...right now I feel happy and it...I was thinking about how good it feels."

"Oh," Meredith giggled lightly. "Me rambling about idiots at work makes you happy?"

"I guess so," he laughed.

"Good to know. I...I'm happy too. Here. Tonight. And I...I'm not happy I'm rambling about idiots at work or I am...because besides Lexie and Cristina I don't have anyone else to ramble to and Cristina is not a good listener and...the point is I'm happy. Here. Tonight with you."

"Good," Derek breathed, leaning further into her.

He had no idea what he was doing, he honestly had no idea what the hell he was doing. He was engaged. He may not be happy, but he was engaged to a woman that certainly wasn't Meredith and yet he was sitting with Meredith in a bar, leaning into her and just being happy to hear Meredith tell him about her day. It was wrong and he knew it. He knew it was damn wrong. Even with all the alcohol coursing through his veins, making his head damn fuzzier than he was used to it being, he suddenly knew with striking clarity that he needed to take a step back and figure out what he wanted because this was damn wrong. Sitting in a croweded dark bar, feeling the sudden need to kiss a woman when he had promised to marrry another was not something he wanted to be doing.

"You..." Meredith breathed. "I...you..."

"Meredith..."

He had to stop, he knew he did. He had to stop doing all of this. He was engaged. He was unhappily engaged but engaged all the same, he could not kiss the girl that smelled like lavender and was so achingly familiar.

"Derek."

Except everything about this felt completely right. Walking down the street sharing a coffee, standing in a grocery store, sharing drinks at the bar, it all felt right. Meredith made him feel like he was him again, the him he had been years ago when he had believed that having the practice, having the girl and having the home was going to make him happy. Being with Meredith made him think that maybe he could be happy.

"How's your job going?" Meredith asked, completely breathless but tearing her eyes away from his and effectively destroying the spell.

"Oh...I..." Derek breathed. "Okay, I guess."

"You guess?"

"It's not what I thought it would be like," he heard the words tumbling off his lips, a truth he had never even let himself think. "I wanted to open the practice to save lives and instead all I see is the same simple tumour removal every day. And I know that sounds jaded, I know."

"It doesn't," Meredith shrugged. "I...I hate doing the same kind of ad campaigns over and over again. I get it."

"Hmmm..." he nodded. "I just wish I felt like I was making a difference."

"But you are. You...the surgeries might be boring but they still save loves, these people...they live because of you."  
"I know. I know that. And I'm grateful for that but...you know, when I was a resident, everyone said I was going to be one of the best. Everyone told me that I could...change the face of medicine."

"And instead you're doing simple tumour removals."

"Yeah," he breathed.

"Have you talked to Mark about it?"

"Talked to Mark?" Derek laughed harshly, turning to look at the man that had been his best friend as long as he could remember as long as he could remember where he currently sat leaning close to a woman. "And said what? Remember that childhood dream of ours? Yeah, I don't want it anymore so you're on you're own."

"Maybe...probably not like that," Meredith frowned. "But maybe...he might be bored too, Der."

"Mer, Mark is one of the leading plastic surgeons on the east coast. Every single woman in New York City that wants a bigger chest comes to him. And he takes the time to personally examine the breasts post surgery."

"Okay, he's probably not bored."

"No, probably not."

"But maybe you could...he could want to do more, Derek. I know he comes off as shallow but we both know that he's not...he used to talk about how he wanted to make people feel beautiful on every level or something...so maybe."

"Hmmm..." Derek breathed, shooting another look at Mark at the other man leaned down to kiss the girl who had certainly been a stranger. "Maybe."

"I just..." Meredith sighed, her eyes going wide and suddenly brightening and Derek was sure he should kick himself for noticing how beautiful she was when her eyes shone like that, when she had an idea that only she would ever come up with. "Couldn't you do both? Work at the practice for half the week and pick up shifts at the hospital on other days? Doctors do it all the time, Derek. You could...you could have both. I'm sure Mark wouldn't midn if you did both."

"You...you're a genius," he smiled. "That...that actually might work. I could...both might be perfect."

"I'm not a genius," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Just...if you don't want to give up one it doesn't mean you can't do the other. It doesn't mean I'm a genius."

"But you are one," he laughed, kissing her cheek quickly. "Thank you."

"I didn't do anything," she giggled.

"You're always doing something, Grey," Mark's familiar voice suddenly came from behind them. "At least if you haven't change in the decade or so since you last had Shep's panties in a bunch."

"Hi Mark," Meredith laughed.

"Hi Grey," Mark nodded. "Shep, you okay to get home if I leave?"

"Meredith can give me a lift," Derek nodded.

"Good," Mark smiled, wrapping his arm tightly around the girl that was clinging to him. "Because the lovely Kristina here seems to have forgotten what hotel she's staying at so I offered to share my bed."

"Likely story," Derek laughed. "Get out of here."

"You can join us, you...you hot hot man," Kristina smiled, reaching to run a hand along Derek's shoulder.

"I think I'll pass but thanks for the offer," Derek laughed, shaking his head.

"And on that note we're getting before you change your mind or some other messed up shit" Mark nodded. "I'll see you both later, I'm sure. And don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Is there anything you wouldn't do?" Meredith asked.

Mark paused for a second, frowning as he moved his hand down to Kristina's ass and gave it a tight squeeze. "You know what, Grey, you might be right about that."

"Seriously, get out," Derek laughed, shoving Mark away.

"Don't you feel the love?" Mark grinned, before taking Kristina's hand and leading her out of the bar.

"I can't believe you're still friends with him."

"Trust me...neither can I," Derek laughed.

"He's your family, Der," Meredith giggled.

"And this is what happens when a boy only has sisters. They end up finding some poor idiot to adopt."

"You're so full of it."

"Hmmm..." he smiled, giving her arm a slight squeeze. "Another round?"

"Definitely."

He gestured to Joe, trying to get his attention and he caught a glance fo himself in the mirrored wall behind the bottles of alcohol. He looked exactly like he had when he had left his place earlier. His hair was still in control, which was something, his shirt was still the same shade of blue he had pulled on and yet something looked entirely different.

Sparkling Irish eyes.

Years ago, Meredith had called his eyes sparking Irish eyes.

At some point, they had vanished. He hadn't even noticed it, he had never noticed the way his eyes had changed and he had no idea when or how it had even happened.

But now they were sparkling again.

He ordered the drinks before leaning back and looking at Meredith again. She was so familiar, so much part of his past that he had long forgotten about and someone he had honestly though he had long ago gotten over. But now she was sitting beside him, smiling softly at him in the simple way that had always been Meredith, her face virtually untouched by makeup, her hair falling in natural messy waves around her face, her own eyes sparkling. And suddenly the little voice in his head was back, but this time it was wondering why the hell he had thought he could ever get over her.

Screwed, he was pretty sure he was screwed. And he definitely needed to take a step back and figure this one out.

_Just when I think that this _

_Life's about to drive me insane_

_You take the reins_

_Every time I feel I'm drifting off course_

_You're my compass, you're my one true north_

_In a mixed up world_

_You make sense to me girl_

**So yeah...they totally weren't supposed to nearly kiss. It wasn't planned at all but I was writing it and next thing I know, Derek is leaning in and yeah, it just kind of sort of happened. But now Derek knows he's in far over his head and he has to figure out what to do to fix this. Because it's a mess and...well it's a mess. He's engaged but suddenly he's feeling things for Meredith. So he has to do something. **

**And I may update tomorrow...work will probably be quiet so I may get some writing done. If not...probably Tuesday. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I miss Grey's. It's only been a couple of weeks but still, I really miss if. If I owned the show, I'd have to go back to work soon so I probably wouldn't miss it anymore.**

**Sorry this took so long guys! Work has been crazy plus this update just gave me a whole bunch of problems. I re-wrote it about a million times but it just took a little bit to get done. And I'm still not sure if it's quite right but here it is.**

**Enjoy!**

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_As he took another swig of his beer, Derek decided it was probably best to not think about how much he did not want to be here._

_Actually, he would probably pick anywhere to be but here._

_It wasn't that he didn't appreciate relaxing outside on a gorgeous summer night, miles of stars stretched above him, everything silent around him. And he didn't have any issue with the soft smell of the crackling bonfire that always brought him back to camping with his dad when he was young. The beer in his hand was cold and refreshing and felt needed so there was no complaints there. Plus he could hear his girlfrend''s soft giggle coming from somewhere behind him and in the short time he had known her he had discovered that the giggle made everything bearable._

_But he did not wnat to be here._

_The music blaring from the speakers, the people standing all over the place, laughing too loud and being far too drunk, he did not want to be here, even if thinking that made him sound like part old man, part loser. But Meredith had asked, giving him the eyes that he couldn't say no to._

_He had said yes, but he could think of about a million reasons he didn't want to be here._

_Mainly, the fact she was leaving in two weeks._

_She glanced over at where she was standing, a boy talking to her and leaning far too close, Derek figured it was best to ignore the sudden stab of jealousy. She was leaving in two weeks and he wanted to be alone with her, wanted to be cuddling by a fire alone with her instead of at a party with people he wasn't sure she even knew. He had no idea what was going to happen to them in two weeks but he loved her and that seemed like reason enough to not want to be at this party right now._

_It hadn't been long. He hadn't met her all that long ago and everything between them had been on some odd fast forward button. It had all happened so damn fast. But he loved her. He loved her more than he had love anyone and right now he wanted to hold onto that, hold on to her._

_Even if she sometimes, or most of the time, drove him crazy. He wanted to hold on._

_Except she wanted to hold on to the guy that had been leaning over her minutes before, but now stood straight, with Meredith's arm wrapped securely around him._

_Derek groaned to himself as he got up and moved toward his girlfriend, biting back another groan as someone bumped into him. Derek hated this. He hated that his girlfriend had dragged him to this party. He hated that she was now grasping onto another guy. He hated that he didn't fit in here. He was too old for this kind of party, and even when he had been the right age, he was too quiet and bookish to fit in here. He just wanted to leave._

_"Mer..." he breathed, grabbing his girlfriend's free arm, the one that wasn't wrapped around the guy that looked like every college stereotype. "Can I talk to you?"_

_"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, smiling widely before taking another swig from her beer. "Of course you can talk to me."_

_"Are you...you can't already be drunk?"_

_"No," she shrugged, letting go of the nameless college student. "Just feeling good."_

_"Oh..." Derek breathed, running his hand through his hair. "Can we get out of here?"_

_"What?" she frowned as he began to lead her away from the throng of people and he breathed a little easier as the calming sounds of the outside world began to surround them._

_"I'm just...I was thinking we both have to leave soon, we could be alone..."_

_"We can be alone tomorrow, Der."_

_"I know...just..." he sighed, his hand going to his hair again._

_"Just what?"_

_"I'm not exactly having a good time," Derek sighed. "I know you are and I know...that's okay but I'd just rather be somewhere else. This...this isn't exactly fun for me."_

_"Well...maybe it would be if you didn't just sit there pouting."_

_"What?"_

_"You've been sitting there and pouting since the second we got here," Meredith groaned, suddenly pulling her arm out of his grip. "You can't exactly have a good time when you sit there and pout like..like you're five and someone took away your toy. You can't...you can't have fun..."_

_"I'm not pouting. I just...Mer, you know this isn't my kind of party."_

_"Why? Too immature for the big doctor?"_

_"What?" he frowned. "I didn't even say that. I'm not...Mer, you kniw I like quiet and this isn't..."_

_"I know it isn't," she sighed. "But...you could have...you agreed to come."_

_"I know I did," he nodded. "You asked."_

_"You could have said...I could have just come by myself," she shrugged. "I didn't...I didn't ask you to come so you could be miserably all night, you could have said no."_

_"But I'm your boyfriend, you couldn't..."_

_"I can do things without you."_

_"I didn't mean..." he breathed, shaking his head, because he was quite certain that this was slowly turning into one of the fights that had somehow become a trademark of their relationship. "We leave soon. I want to spend time with you. I want you to spend time with me. Not hanging all over some drunk frat boy."_

_A tiny voice, somewhere deep in the back if Derek's head told him he probably shouldn't have said that last line._

_"Excuse me?"_

_"You were all over him."_

_"I was...you..." Meredith laughed harshly, shaking her head. "Jealousy. You...you're jealous. You're being an asshole because you're jealous."_

_"I don't get jealous."_

_"You're jealous. You're jealous because I'd rather be with...okay, I don't know his name and that, it's probably not actually important because...jealous, you're jealous so you're pouting and asking to leave and...I can't believe you're jealous."_

_"I'm not jealous, I'm miserable."_

_"Because you can't stand me having fun with another guy," Meredith groaned. "You can't...you freak out just because I was laughing with another guy."_

_"I didn't freak out, I was just saying I would rather go home."_

_"So I can't flirt with another guy."_

_"You were flirting with him," Derek nodded. "Which...if you want to flirt with other guys, that's fine. I'm not...I don't get jealous and that's...but why invite me if you want to flirt? Why not just let me stay home?"_

_"Because I wanted you here! I don't...if you weren't sitting their pouting, I would be hanging all over you."_

_"So what are you going to do when I'm not there?"_

_"What?"_

_"Two weeks, Mer," he groaned. "Two weeks and you're in Boston and I'm in New York City. We won't be together anymore. What are you going to do?"_

_"I don't...I don't know."_

_"You don't know? Mer, I need more than I don't know. Are we...are we doing long distance or are we breaking up? What is going to happen with us in two weeks?"_

_"I don't..." Meredith breathed. "If we go long distance there'd be other guys. Lots of other guys who will be drinking and hanging around with me and ...there will be guys and I don't...you just freaked out on me for one, Derek. One when you were sitting right there."_

_"I don't expect them to flirt with you! And I didn't freak out..."_

_"So you were just sitting there being bored and you just randomly decided to say something after a boy was flirting with me?"_

_"I..."_

_"That's what I thought."_

_"So what are we saying here, Meredith? What exactly are we doing?"_

_"I don't know, Derek. I don't know. I...we can't be long distance if you're going to freak out everytime a guy dares looks my way."_

_"It wasn't him."_

_"That's beside the point and you know it."_

_"So what, we're breaking up?"_

_"Yeah, I think...I think we're breaking up."_

_"Than we might as well do it now."_

_"Fine."_

_"Fine."_

_And suddenly Meredith was spinning around, moving quickly back toward her party, her hands covering her face as she moved away from him. They had broken up. Derek had no idea how it had happened, the night before...the minute before he had been thinking in terms of forever, and now they had broken up. Which was fine, it was probably for the better if she was going to accuse him of freaking out when she was the one flirting. It was probably better this way._

_Derek just wasn't sure why suddenly it didn't feel better at all._

_Now everything is coming undone _

_'Cause you were the chance I can't afford to waste_

_I loved you since the day_

_The day we fell apart_

**So there we have it...obviously a flashback. To the original flashback because some things are coming up in the next couple of updates that all relate back to this. So there is it. A break up that was really just a stupid fight that had gotten out of hand and that's where it went. **

**Anyway, this may be updated tomorrow. Depends on how busy it ends up being at work. If not, probably Tuesday. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I would be busy at work, planning out and writing the amazingness that I'm sure will be Season 6. **

**Sorry for the delay with this! June is by far our craziest month at work and i spent a lot of nights at home just completely fried from working too much. So this took a bit longer to write than usual. But here it is now!**

**Enjoy!**

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Meredith was pretty sure she should just go ahead and sell the house.

She wasn't even sure why she hadn't already. It was a house and it wasn't like she had even liked it when she had lived in it. The second her mother died she should have sold it or something, she could have used the money but she hadn't and now she was stuck checking it out. Which was fine. It was fine. Except Derek's mother's house was across the street and that was awkward. Years ago Carolyn Shepherd had made her feel like family and then everything went to hell on an express train and things had been weird and awkward and now Meredith was kind of friends with Derek or something...and she was not going to think about this.

She was going to make sure no windows were broken and that it looked good and she would be gone. It was fine.

She chanced a glance over the familiar Shepherd home and was pretty sure she should ignore the stab of longiing that took over her body. She had loved that home. She had loved spending time in the kitchen and living room and sneaking in Derek's window that overlooked the backyears. It had felt like a home. Somehow it had felt like a home.

"Meredith?"

Meredith bit back a groan that suddenly desperately wanted to escape as she turned around slowly because she knew that voice. She knew the voice too damn well because she had all but lived with the woman for a summer. "Caro...Mom...Mrs. Shepherd!" she breathed.

"Meredith," the older woman smiled widely, and Meredith felt her own smile echo back. Because she hadn't changed. It had been over a decade since she had seen the woman who had quickly become a mother to her and somehow, besides a few extra smile lines around her eyes, the woman hadn't changed in the slightest. "It is so good to see you."

"You...you too..."

"We figured Derek was hiding you," another voice laughed and suddenly Meredith noticed a woman about her age standing beside Derek's mother.

"Sophie!" Meredith's smile widened.

"Hey," Sophie giggled, pulling Meredith into a quick and tight hug and Meredith couldn't help but sigh slightly as she hugged her old friend back. She had missed Sophie. Even when she ahdn't considered the fact she missed Derek, she had always missed his youngest sister. "I swear, Derek sucks at sharing, it has to have something to do with him being the only boy."

"He was not the only boy," Mrs. Shepherd laughed. "He always had Mark around."

"Not the point," Sophie rolled her eyes at her mom and Meredith was pretty sure her smile grew wider. She had loved Derek's family, when she had fallen for Derek years ago she was pretty sure she had fallen for his family too and somehow nothing had changed with them. This was Sophie and her mom and everything felt the exact same way it had years ago when she had been allowed to be part of it. "The point is Derek has been talking about you and seeing you for like...weeks and he hasn't even brought you to see me."

"That...that might be a little awkward, Soph," Meredith giggled. "I mean...he's...and I'm...awkward."

"And he knows how much I love you. He should have brought you."

"Oh...I..."Meredith breathed. "Well now, I'm here now."

"You are," Sophie smiled. "God, you look great."

"So do you."

"Hardly," Sophie laughed, pushing a curly strand that had fallen out of her messy ponytail behind her ear. "Popping out three kids make it all but impossible to look great."

"Derek mentioned you had three," Meredith nodded.

"Sadly," Sophie rolled her eyes again even though she was all still smiling. "But at least the idiot is talking about me."

"Sophie," Mrs. Shepherd or Carolyn sighed. "Meredith, I was actually hoping I would bump into you somewhere. There's something I need to talk to you about."

"There...there is?"

"Yes," Derek's mother nodded. "I've been thinking and I think you may be the person to tell my son to not go ahead with this wedding of his."

"What?" Sophie and Meredith asking in unison.

"I would like you to talk about this whole thing with Derek," the older woman nodded firmly. "The two of you have always had a special connection and I think he may listen to you."

"But...Mom...you, you love Madies," Sophie frowned.

"She's a lovely girl," Mrs. Shepherd nodded. "But she's hardly the right one for your brother."

"You're planning their wedding!"

"Of course I am," Mrs. Shepherd sighed. "He's my son and he believes this is what he wants. It's hardly my place to tell him who he should marry or not marry. It's my job to help them paln the wedding."

"The wedding you don't agree with."

"He's my son, Sophie. I'd do the same with any of my children."

"Did you do the same with me?"

"Sophie, I love Brian and he's perfect for you," Mrs. Shepherd groaned. "And that was hardly a question as you were already carrying his child at the time. Now can we please get back to your brother?"

"I just thought you loved Madie."

"I do. Just not for Derek."

"You could probably just tell him that," Sophie sighed.

"I can do no such thing. He's my son and it's hardly my place to tell him something like that."

"No, it's your place to order an ex-girlfriend to tell him."

"Sophie..."

"Guys," Meredith cut in, because somehow she remembered that was the only way to get into it when Sophie and her mother started going. "I mean...just..."

"Sorry," Sophie breathed. "Mer, it's...I agree with Mom, I completely agree with her, because Madie is...god, she's a terrible match fror him. I just think she should tell him that. Not have you do it...but you could do it too."

"Meredith can get through to him in ways no one else can."

"I know she can but he should hear from his own mother that you can't stand the woman he thinks he wants to marry."

"And he'll listen more to Meredith."

"What..." Meredith breathed. "Mrs. Shepherd, I..I. don't even...I've never met Madie, I don't know...what am I supposed to say?"

"He hasn't introduced you?"

"No."

"Interesting," Mrs. Shepherd nodded slowly. "But I'm sure he's told you about her."

"Yeah...he...he has."

"And?"

"What?"

"Do you think she's right for Derek?"

"I don't..." Meredith murmured. "It doesn't matter what I think. I mean...no. No. But I don't really know him anymore and it doesn't matter. He's with her and I'm...we broke up over a really stupid fight so it probably...I don't think she's right for him but it doesn't matter."

"Tell him that," Mrs. Shepherd nodded.

"That I...that I don't think she's not right?"

"Of course," Mrs. Shepherd sighed, squeezing her arm. "You have always meant the world to my son, he'll listen to you."

"Oh."

"And just let him talk, make him really talk. I know sometimes all the signgs point to the opposite but my son is not an idiot. He knows something is off with his life right now, just let him get it off his chest like you did with his work situation."

"He told you about that?"

"He did. He wanted to run it by me before he spoke to Mark."

"I was...I wanted to help," Meredith breathed. "I just wanted him...his eyes don't sparkle anymore so I wanted...I wanted them to sparkle."

"Oh..." Sophie breathed, suddenly smiling widely again. "Tell him that, definitely tell him that."

"Now you want me to talk to him?"

"Yeah," Sophie nodded. "I mean, Mom should talk to him too but Madie is...god, she's wrong for him, Mer. She hates the outdoors and wants to live in the city and she has these moments where she's so sweet tht I just want to stab her or something."

"Sophie Anne Shepherd!" Mrs. Shepherd gasped.

"I'm not going to do it, Mom," Sophie groaned. "But Mer...you, you want his eyes to sparkle and she...she probably haven't even noticed."

"I want...yeah, I want...yeah," Meredith breathed.

"Talk to him."

"I can try."

"Wonderful," Mrs. Shepherd hugged her tightly. "I always hoped that you and Derek would find each other again."

"What?"

"Nothing," Mrs. Shepherd laughed softly as she pulled back. "Now I would love to stay and catch up but Sophie andI have far too much to do today. But my number has never changed, give me a call and I would love to catch up over coffee."

"Oh," Meredith nodded quickly. "We...we can do that."

"Excellent," Mrs. Shepherd breathed, shakig her head slightly. "I have missed you, dear."

"Oh..." Meredith gasped, surprised to feel some wetness in her eyes at the older woman's warm and soft words. "Me...me too."

"What you and Derek shared.." his mother sighed. "We really must be going. Talk to Derek and give me a call."

"Okay."

"Thanks, Mer," Sophie smiled, hugging her tightly again. "I miss you too."

"I do too."

"I'll steal Der's cell to get your number and we can grab drinks sometime soon, leave the children with Bri."

"Okay," Meredith giggled. "We can do that."

"Good," Sophie nodded, pulling away and moving quickly down the path her mother had already started to walk down. "And seriously, talk to him. It...I think you probably both need it."

Meredith breathed as she watched Derek's family disappear, blinking back some more unexpected tears. She had been a part of that. Years ago even when things had been always messy with her and Derek, his family had always managed to make her feel like she was part of them. She was welcome in their warm, noisy home that was a world away from her own even if it was just across the street and they had always managed to hug her and make her feel as safe as Derek did. She had missed them. She had barely thought about it but she had definitely missed them and somehow the short encounter had felt something like getting her family back.

Of course that family expected her to convince the man of the house not to marry a woman that even she knew was completely wrong for him. And she could try. Because Derek definitely should have sparkly eyes and his family asked and she could try.

What had her head spinning was what his mother had said about them finding each other again.

Because somehow it rang true.

And Meredith had no idea what that said about who was right for Derek Shepherd.

_back to you  
it always comes around  
back to you_

**Derek's mom doesn't like Madie. Neither does Sophie. And they asked Meredith to talk to him which well...it's Meredith and Derek, who else would they ask? Hahaha. But seriously...a lot of this was to show how Mer was with his family and how it's not nearly as clear and cut and dry that the whole family loves Madie and well, I'm rambling now. I hope to update tomorrow, if not, either Wednesday or Thursday. Read. Love. Review.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Patrick Dempsey is missing the race this weekend because of shooting Grey's Anatomy. I get it but it saddens me. If I owned the show I wouldn't mind so much, as I'd be with him anyway.**

**Sorry this took a bit longer than it should have. Things have been busy with all the summer stuff going on with friends and stuff. But it's here now, so I hope it was worth the slightly longer wait.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Derek."

"Wh...what?" Meredith gasped, swallowing her drink quickly before she ended up spitting it out as her sister announced the far too familiar name. Not that Derek had been her one constant thought since her run in with his mother the day before. It was just a common name. "What?"

"We've been discussing this, Lexie and I," Molly nodded slolwly. "And as your little sisters we feel we can demand certain things."

"Things?"

"Like yours and Derek's story type of things," Lexie nodded firmly, as she pushed another tequila shot towards Meredith. Meredith had the vague feeling they were trying to get her drunk or something.

"We don't have a story."

"Except you do," Molly grinned. "Spill."

"I have nothing to spill," Meredith stated, her voice firm, before throwing back the shot her sister had given her. At least she hoped it was firm because it sounded kind of shaky and unsure in her own head but that was probably the tequila's fault and it had at least sounded loud. When people spoke loud they sounded sure and confident. Which she was, she had nothing to spill, or nothing she wanted to spill and she was pretty sure her voice had been firm. She needed more tequila.

"Okay but no one breaks up with a guy that is that good looking without some kind of story," Lexie shrugged.

"He...he wasn't actually that good looking when we dated," Meredith sighed because it was kind of the truth, the man ages like a fine wine. He had definitely filled in more and had gotten more attractive. " He grew into that."

"I find that hard to believe," Lexie frowned.

"It's true," Meredith nodded. "He was kind of scrawn and his hair wasn't as perfect..."

"But he had the smile and the eyes..."

Meredith chose to take another gulp of her drink because there wasn't exactly a way to deny the fact that Derek had still had sparkling blue eyes and a smile that was too wide and happy looking even in the man's rather awkward stage that he had survived in his twenties.

"Besides, Mark told Lexie there was a sotry," Molly shrugged. "And since Mark and Derek have been friends forever, he would know."

"Wait...when were you talking to Mark?" Meredith frowned.

"I...I...we ran into each other and he recognized me and there was...that is so beside the point, Mer, don't try to change the subject."

"I think the fact you were talking to that manwhore jerk...person is the point."

"Mer..." Lexie rolled her eyes. "He's not...he's just misunderstood."

"I understand him just fine."

"And we can talk about Lexie and the manwhore later," Molly cut in. "After we hear yours and Derek's story, we can hear Lexie and Mark's story."

"That's just...we don't have a story," Meredith breathed.

"Of course you do," Molly nodded. "Come on, Mer. Sisters. And you know you're dying to talk about him."

"I'm not...fine," Meredith sighed. "Where do you want me to start?"

"The beginning it usually good," Lexie giggled.

"We...his mom's house is across the street from my mom's old place," Meredith murmured. "I was home from college for the summer and he was home for med school. I was stupid and forgot my keeps, there was rain and he just kind of...he talked and it was...something clicked. Which sounds stupid but that's how he always put it, he said something clicked."

"Something clicked?" Lexie smiled.

"Yeah, which is...I know that sounds lame. I always told him it sounded lame," Meredith giggled, fidgeting slightly with her watch. "He took me to his house to get out of the rain and his mom as there which was...that was weird, she took me in and...it was a good night."

"And then what happened?" Molly asked.

"We...inseperable, we were attached at the hip and...it was intense," she sighed. "We just...we were always together and laughing and touching and it was all so fast and so ...perfect."

"Oh Mer..." Lexie breathed.

"I thought...I thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. A week in and I thought..."

"What happened?" Molly whispered.

"We...we imploded," Meredith breathed. "His mom...his mom always swore after that it was because we loved each other too much and we weren't read. I don't...he's stubborn and pig headed and I know I'm stubborn and pig headed. Small fights became screaming matches, we...we were always picking at fights, I don't even...I'm not sure why. But it was...we became this huge mess. One second we'd be perfectly happy, the next we'd be yelling, the next...one of us would be outside the other's window begging for forgiveness."

"The sex must have been amazing," Lexie laughed softly.

"It...it was, " Meredith giggled, brushing away from tears from here eyes that were suddenly unexpectedly there. "We had...it was always really amazing. Best sex I ever had – it's still the best sex I've ever had."

"What eventually ended you guys?" Molly asked.

"Stupid fight. I was flirting with a guy which...it was wrong, I don't even know why I was but Derek had already been in a modd and I flirted and he got jealous."

"And you just...ended?"  
"I don't think either of us even meant it, but after...I didn't have the courage to try to ask for forgiveness and I don't know...we both moved soon after."

"That must have been awful," Lexie sighed.

"I partied a lot that year," Meredith admitted quietly, fidgeting with her empty shot glass. "Lots of boys, loys of boys who I know know were desperate attempts to replace him."

"And it didn't work."

"It didn't work," Meredith nodded.

"It still hasn't, has it?" Molly asked quietly.

"I...what?"

"You still haven't replace him," Molly shrugged. "I alwasys wondered why you had never met anyone, ever had anyone serious, it's because of him."

"You never got over him," Lexie nodded.

"I thought I had, I really thought I had," Meredith murmured. "But now he's here and we keep...seeing each other and I don't know, I don't know. I thought I was and now..."

"Now it's all coming back."

"Yeah, it's all...he's still Derek. And engaged to another woman and his mom wants me to tell him not to marry her which is... I don't know what that is either because it seems kind of insane but not really and I hardly even know him anymore."

"Wait..." Lexie frowned. "His mom wants you to do what?"

"Tell him not to marry Madie."

"What? Why?"

"She's not right for him," Meredith sighed. "And I know she's not, I know she's not. He's not happy and I'm pretty sure a lot of that has to do with her. And his mom and Sophie, if they don't think she's right for him she probably isn't because they...they would know. She's not right for him."

"And you have to tell him because?"

"His mom thinks I can get through to him. She doesn't want to meddle and yes this is meddling but if you knew her you'd understand. She just thinks...I'm the one to talk to him."

"Well that's interesting," Molly grinned.

"She said...she said she always hoped we'd find each other again."

"Oh Mer..." Lexie breathed. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I mean...I just can't tell him that I was talking to his mom and sister behind his back and we agree that he shouldn't marry Madie."

"Maybe you could...hint or something," Molly shrugged.

"Is she that bad?" Lexie asked.

"I haven't met her but she doesn't sound bad. Just not for Derek, she's all wrong for him and he's not happy. He should be happy because he's getting married and he's not."

"So you're going to talk to him?"

"I...I think so. His mom asked and I...I really like her, I always have so I probably owe her this. And he's...Derek and I care about him or I have feelings or whatever so I probably should talk to him. Because it's stupid, it's stupid to marry someone that clearly doesn't make him happy."

"Mer?" Lexie breathed.

"Yeah?"

"What if...what if he takes it to heart and hears you and doesn't marry her?" Lexie murmured. "What does that mean...you have feelings, so what if he doesn't marry her?"

"I..." Meredith sighed, biting back a groan because her little sister had manged to ask the question that Meredith refused to ask herself. Because she didn't have an answer and she was a little terrified to even consider what the answer might be. Besides this wasn't about her, telling him not to marry Madie had nothing to do with her and she wasn't going there. "I don't know."

"Would you..."

"I don't even know if he...would want to."

"But you would?"

"I don't know," Meredith frowned, before ordering herself another shot of tequila. She hadn't been planning on getting drunk tonight, she had to work the next day and she still wasn't even sure she liked her new position, going in hung over definitely wouldn't help the situation but right now she really needed another shot of tequila to leave the burning path down her throat that eventually led to the inability to really think through any small detail of her life.

Because she did know.  
She had just dragged up hers and Derek's entire history and she did know what she wanted if he listened and didn't make some big huge mistake.

She just wasn't ready to face it yet.

So tequila was a really good alternative.

_Though you're gone, you're still here_

_In my heart, in my tears_

_Yeah you sure left your mark and we were just getting started_

**This update had two purposes...one to just sum up their whole entire history in one quick update...although some of that stuff will be seen in detail later and mainly to show that Meredith definitely knows there's still feelings there. And there are. **

**Anyway, I work tomorrow morning and should have an update tomorrow night. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Yesterday Krista tweeted that she talked to Eric Dane on set and apparently that made it a perfect day. *Sigh* If I owned the show I'd totally talk to Eric Dane on set.**

**Sorry this took a bit longer than promised! I ended up going to see Harry Potter the other night and I've been working ever since so I didn't get around to doing this so very sorry for the delay. But yes, it's here now.**

**So enjoy!  
**

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Derek had no idea why he brought her here.

In the history of the world, at least the world since he had found this place, he had brought exactly two people out here, Mark and Madeline. Mark had loved it. Or he had loved it in his own Mark way that had involved a lot of giving Derek a hard time about it and complaining about his shoes getting destroyed but Derek hadn't missed the smile on his best friend's face. Madie had hated it the second he had stopped the car and by the time they had reached the highest point she had been looking at him like he had grown and extra head.

He wasn't sure why he had brought a third person here. He honestly wasn't. But she had called, taking him completetly by surprise and had wanted to do something. They had grabbed their regular coffess and had decided to take a drive.

Next thing he knew he was pulling up to the land that he had dreamed of owning one day...somehow.

She hadn't said a word since then and he wasn't sure how to take that. He had just told her to trust him and follow him and she had. They had managed to walk the rather lengthy path that led to the top in complete silence, her arm laced through his so he had no idea what she was actually thinking as he had led her up the side of a mountain in the middle of no where. Everyone else had seemed to think he was crazy, even the ones who hadn't even seen it, and it wasn't like her to not say a word for over five minutes at a time so he wasn't sure how he was supposed to take this. She probably thought he was a crazy idiot too.

And now she was looking over the view, with an expression that he was pretty sure he had never actually seen before on her face, even though a decade ago he would have sworn he could read her like a book.

"Derek..." Meredith finally breathed, shaking her head slowly.

"Yeah?" he murmured, kicking the ground slightly with his toe, suddenly finding himself as nervous as he had been the first time he had ducked his head down to kiss her.

"This is...wow," she suddenly smiled. "Look at that view, it's...wow. I mean...wow. I'm pretty sure, words, there have to be words but wow."

"Wow?"

"Yeah, wow," she murmured. "This view and it's like...middle of no where. There's nothing, Derek. Nothing and it's so...quiet. Wow."

"You like it?"

"Seriously?" she giggled. "You...seriously?"

"It's a question," he shrugged.

"I love it, Der. I just ...I love it. It's perfect," she breathed, spinning around in a circle as if she was taking everything in slowly, the exact way he had when he had stumbled upon this land on a rather long hike. "You know what it reminds me of?"

"What?"

"Our summer," she shrugged. "All the walks we took together in the woods near our neighbourhood, this is, it's like that summer on a really big scale, bigger than our summer."

"Oh..." he nodded slowly, as he moved to sit on a rock that had the perfect view of the valley and tiny lake below them. "It does, I hadn't even thought of it. That was...one of the best summers of my life."

"It was the best summer of my life," she murmured.

"It was good," he nodded, smiling softly at the memory of them walking hand in hand through the winding paths that he was sure no one but them had even used.

"It was."

Derek nodded, staring out at the land as silence fell between them. Comfortable silence that made him breathe easier. "It's for sale."

"What?"

"This land," he sighed. "The forty acres surrounding us actually, it's for sale. I found it hiking one day, fell in love, made some phone calls and this whole area...it's actually for sale. At a price I can afford."

"You're buying it, right?" Meredith smiled widely.

"No," he sighed and watched his ex-girlfriend's face fall.

"Why? It's perfect..."

"For me," Derek nodded. "Madie hates it out here. She refuses to live...I believe her wording was on top of a god damn mountain in the middle of ass no where."

"Oh..." Meredith breathed, turning her attention back to the scenery in front of them and for a second Derek found himself feeling a little breathless at how she looked against the backdrop of trees and mountains, her blonde hair falling down her back effortlessly, the jean jacket she wore doing nothing to cover the curves that he had to admit he had spent the last twelve years dreaming of. She looked perfect. She looked like she belonged. "Derek..."

"Hmmm?" he breathed, his eyes following her as she walked toward him and dropped onto the rock right beside him, and he breathed deeply, inhaling her lavender.

"Are you..." she murmured. "I don't know her, so I'm not...this isn't me judging, I'm not judging and this is probably pretty awkward because I know I'm an exgirlfriend so I'm probably the last person you want advice from and it's not advice, it's not. It's just a question. Which keep in mind, I don't know her and I barely know you anymore so..."

"Mer, stop rambling," he laughed softly.

"Oh," she frowned. "Are you sure?"

"Am I sure you should stop rambling?"

"No ...I mean...are you sure about Madie?"

"Am I...." he breathed, wrapping his arm around Meredith as he felt his heart pound in his chest, which was ridiculous because it was an easy question, an easy question with an easy answer. "What...what do you mean?"

"It's just..." she sighed, leaning into him. "I don't really know you anymore, I know I don't. But I kind of know you and I know that look on your face, I know that...you walked up here and you got that look on your face and your eyes sparkled and I know this is you. I know this land and that look, I know that 's you and Madie...Madie hates it."

"You don't have to like everything the same to be a good couple," Derek pointed out, the argument coming out weak and strangled.

"But you should at least like some of the same things," Meredith shrugged. "Like this...she should, she should like thing and instead she's...you're going to end up living in some high rise apartment, aren't you?"

"I think she was looking at brownstones," Derek sighed.

"In Manhattan?"

"Yeah."

"Der, that's not...it's at least not the Derek I knew," Meredith breathed. "The Derek I knew didn't give up a fight."

"I grew up."

"Giving up what you want isn't called growing up."

"It's compromise, Mer," he murmured, his fingers tugging lightly on the ends of her blonde waves as he tried to ignore some more how hard his heart was beating. People had been asking him for months now if he was sure and just because Meredith was leaning into him and smelling like lavender and her and her voice had taken ona soft tone he remembered from waking up beside her didn't mean he was suddently unsure. "I...I love her."

"Do you?"

"I..." Derek started, surprised as his breath suddenly caught in his throat. "I do. Not...it's different than howI loved you but look how that turned out."

"But you're not happy."

"I'm not happy."

"When we dated you always talked about wanting to be happy," Meredith murmured. "Not always because that would have been weird but you talked about it a lot and now you're not, which, you're getting married, Der. Married. You used to want to be like your mom and dad and happy and in love and you're not."

"Maybe...maybe that doesn't exist..."

"That's not you, Der. You believe in things like happily ever after and true love and soul mates. You...magic, you believe in that magic."

"I did," he nodded slowly.

"You don't anymore?"

"I don't know," Derek breathed as the thudding of his heart slowed and his chest started to burn, and his throat felt tighter. "I don't know."

"Derek?"

"Yeah?" he sighed, looking up to find her face inches from his. He was close enough to make out the familiar golden flecks in her green eyes and the slight spattering of freckles that could only be seen when you were this close and she hadn't put on any make up to hide them. She had always hated them, even though hardly anyone was close enough to notice. He breathed deeply, inhaling the comforting smell of her and was pretty sure he wasn't surprised to feel his chest stop burning and his shoulders relax. She looked so damn beautiful at this close of range.

And she was Meredith, over a decade later and she was still Meredith.

"You should be happy."

"Oh."

"I don't, you know I don't believe in magic and fairytales and true love and stuff but you do," she nodded slightly. "At least you did and you should be happy. I believe...you should be happy."

"Hmmm..."

"And...your true love of whatever, she'd understand that this land and the trees and mountains..they're you. This is all you."

"Mer..." he murmured.

"You should be happy," she repeated, nodding again as she shiften an arm up to rest behind his shoulders, her fingers playing softly through his dark curls.

She smiled softly and Derek suddenly found his attention drawn to her lips. He had always loved the taste of them, above all else, he was sure he had always loved the way Meredith tasted. And the way her lips always managed to be soft yet firm against whatever part of him she pressed them against. Years ago he would have sworn to anyone that he was addicted to the way she kissed him and now he couldn't help but wonder if they would feel the same, send the same shocking heat coursing through his body, fill him with the same desperate need to hold her closer and just...be.

Which was insane because he was engaged to someone else. He couldn't think about kissing Meredith.

"Just...think about it, okay?" she whispered.

"Okay," he nodded.

She shifted again, turning to rest her head on his shoulder. The smell of lavender invaded the air around him but this was probably better, he wasn't thinking about kissing her anymore.

Instead he found himself thinking about the way she had smiled when she had told him the land was him.

And soul mates.

_Was it ever there at all_

_And have I lost my way_

_The path of least resistance_

_Is catching up with me again today_

**So there was the talk about Madie being right for Derek...or at least...welll no, not saying more. They talked, Derek wanted to kiss her and now he's thinking about soulmates that understand that the land is his. **

**I fully plan on updating this again tomorrow as I have the day off. **

**Read. Love. Review. **


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. But there's pictures from the set of Patrick Dempsey wearing a suit. Which makes me want to own the show.**

**Sorry this took a bit longer than planned, working mornings again at work and the early time is leaving me much more tired than expected...probably just not used to it. But it's here now...and it's dirty.**

**Enjoy!**

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_"Fine, Derek, whatever...just go, go be with Mark," Meredith rolled her eyes, swirling quickly to turn her back to her boyfriend. Because she was pretty sure if she looked at him right now she would end up pushing him out her window or something and that would be bad, killing Derek would be really bad even though she definitely wanted to. "Forget that we had plans and just...go."_

_"Mer, can you please stop acting like this is the end of the world?" Derek groaned and she could hear him pacing behind her. "We were going to the movies, we can go tomorrow night."_

_"Of course, of course, that's what you said last week."_

_"What?"_

_"Last week, last week you said we could go for a walk the next day, except the next day Mark showed up right before we left and...we didn't, we didn't hike and you just...you say the next day and it never ends up being the next day so of course we can go tomorrow."_

_"Well it's not my fault Mark showed up that day."_

_"It's not," Meredith nodded, still staring out her bedroom window instead of looking at the man she was supposed to be in love with. "It is your fault you didn't tell him we had plans."_

_"Fine, I fucked up," Derek sighed, sounding completely frustrated. "I fucked up and I'm sorry but you can't bring it up every time..."_

_"Every time?" she demanded, suddenly spinning around again to face him. "I'm not, Derek, I'm not. I'm bringing it up this time, because it's the same thing over again. We make plans and then Mark decides he wants to do something and Mark comes first, Mark always comes first s yes, I'm allowed to bring up the fact you fucked up last week."_

_"It's not the same!"_

_"How? How is it not the same?"_

_"Mark needs me!" he shouted, his eyes flashing with anger._

_"Oh of course he does!" she shouted back, spinning to not face him again. She wasn't being fair, some sane rational part of her brain knew that,she wasn't being fair at all. Derek had said something about Mark having a run in with his real parents and apparently it was bad and Mark really needed to blow off steam or something and Meredith knew she wasn't being fair. She got crap parents, and she defintiely got needing to blow off steam because of them, so she was pretty sure she needed to stop yelling at her boyfriend. Except the sane rational part was really quiet compared to the way she was yelling and yelling felt pretty good. "He always needs you!"_

_"What do you want me to do, Mer?" Derek demanded, starting to pace again. "What? Blow off my god damn brother because my girlfriend want to go see a movie?"_

_"Yes," Meredith nodded, even though she was now one hundred percent sure she had officially walked into crap person territory._

_"You have got to be kidding me..."_

_"I want to see you, Der! I never get to see you and I want..I wnat..." she breathed, shaking her head again. Stupid, this was entirely and completely stupid. "And you want Mark...you...you might as well be gay with him."_

_"Did you just..."_

_He didn't finish the sentence. Instead, before Meredith had a chance to even register what was happening, she found herself being pulled into his arms, his grasp on her tight as his lips found hers, demanding and hard. Meredith gasped at the sudden contact and he took the opportunity to push his tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss as he pulled her even closer to him, letting his erection press hard against her stomach._

_"Derek..." she breathed, pulling her face back slightly._

_"Do not question what I want."_

_"Oh," she whispered before his lips were on her again, just as hard and demanding as before and Meredith was certain she already felt her own lips bruising and swelling at the pure face. But she didn't care. This was how they were, somewhere over the last two weeks they had started fighting more and more and it always ended like this, hard kisses and hard and rough sex. She hated it. Or she hated yelling at him and him yelling at her because there was no reason for it but she loved the way he bit at her neck like he was doing right now, his teeth hitting the spot that sent shivers down her spin. "Der..."_

_"I want you," he hissed, which was clearly evident by the way his hips were starting to rock into her as he grabbed at the bottom of her shirt, pulling back slightly to pull it over her head. And then the lips and teeth that had been torturing her neck moved lower, tracing the outline of her bra as he unhooked it and let it fall to the floor. "God, I want you."_

_"Me...me too," she whispered as he pulled a nipple into his mouth, sucking on it hard as her hands found the fly of his jeans and she pulled at it, trying to work his pants down his hips just as he started working at her own pants. _

_"You drive me crazy."_

_"You too," she moaned as he ran his tongue around her pert nipple and both of their pants hit the floor._

_"Crazy," he repeated, pushing her onto her desk, the wood cold against her bare ass thanks to the air conditioning. The harsh coldness was a sharp contrast from her heated body and it sent a shiver through her, making her quiver even more as Derek grabbed for a condom out of her drawer, pushing it on fast and slipping into her._

_"Oh god..." he groaned._

_"Hard," she pleaded, her voice husky and low. "Please...hard..."_

_"Hmmm..." he breathed in appreciation before doing just as she asked, his hips rocking forward hard and fast, his length plunging deep into her as his mouth found hers again, pressing a hard kiss against her sore lips. Her body shook hard again as she grapped for his hips. Bringing him deeper into her, her hips arching up against every hard thrust as she felt an orgasm already building deep within her. He gasped slightly, closing his teeth gently around her bottom lip, sucking on it as his hands moved up and down her back. The gentleness of his hands on her back compared to the roughness of his teeth around her lip and his hips rocking into her was enoughto push her over the edge and her body shook heard as the orgasm slammed into her._

_"Yes...yes..." she moaned, grasping onto his curls, her body rocking up even faster to meet his as she felt her walls clamp around him._

_"Mer..." he whimpered , his hips starting to lose rhythm but getting faster as he pounded into her, Meredith's body continuing to tremble while everything around her but him felt dark and faint. "Mer..."_

_"Derek..."_

_"Oh god..." he gasped, rocking hard into her a few more times, slipping entirlyely into her, filling her as she felt him start to twitch within her and her body trembled hard as he emptied into her, the force of his orgasm pushing her into a second one of her own._

_"Der..."_

_"We...we have to stop doing that," he breathed, slipping out of her and wrapping his arms around her, drawing her shaking body into his. "Oh Mer..."_

_"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "I'm sorry."_

_"I'm sorry too," he murmured, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her hea, his fingers playing through her slightly sweaty waves. "I shouldn't have yelled."_

_"We yell a lot," she giggled breathlessly._

_"We do."_

_"It's...you can go, Der. I know...I get the crap parents and needing to forget about it, I get it and Mark...he's your brother so I'm sorry and you can go. I shouldn't have even fought you on it.."_

_"It's my fault. I told him I could hang out and I had completely forgotten about our plans. I didn't...I don't mean to put him first."_

_"You don't. At least not tonight...tonight I get it. I do."_

_"You just felt like yelling?"_

_"Yeah," she giggled, looking up to kiss him lightly. "Sorry."_

_"I yelled too."_

_"We really do yell a lot," she sighed, pressing her head against his chest, listening to his thudding heart. "Why?"_

_"I don't know," he breathed. "I love you."_

_"I love you too," she whispered, a small shiver running through her body at the words. She never thought she would be the girl that got a thrill from saying that, especially not this early into a relationship._

_"How about you come with us?" he suggested. "We're just going for drinks. I'll invite some other people, you can invite Cristina, make a night of it."_

_"You sure?'_

_"Yeah," he nodded. "I know you wanted alone time but we'll do that tomorrow night. Tonight... at least we can be together."_

_"That...that sounds good."_

_"We'll fiund a hot girl, invite her along, that will cheer Mark up," Derek laughed._

_"It will," she giggled. "Der?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"My mom's working overnight, you could...you can come home with me if Mom won't freak out about it."_

_"Oh so I can come home with the hot girl?"_

_"You can," she giggled._

_"Sounds perfect," he nodded, squeezing her tightly and Meredith let herself lean into him, her body still humming from the sex and she wasn't exactly sure why that had even been a fight. She loved him and they had compromised and they probably should have done that before thinking of screaming because it would be a good night. It wasn't at all what they had planned but it would still be good and they'd be together. They hadn't need to fight._

_Of course the sex kind of made the yelling worth it._

**And I have nothing else to say except for that was clearly a flashback to exactly the couple they used to be. They'd fight and then have hot make up sex, without ever really resolving the fight.**

**Have tomorrow off so expect an update!**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: Patrick Dempsey didn't make it to the race today. Which sucks. But it wouldn't suck if I owned the show, as I'd be with him.**

**SORRY this took so long! Sorry sorry sorry. Work has been a little busy all of a sudden and things have just been crazy around my house and sadly as usual my writing time took the hit, so I'm very very sorry for the delay. I know I suck, hahaha. But well here it is now.**

**So enjoy!  
**

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Derek hated dancing.

It wasn't something he advertised often and years ago, sometime in high school when Mark had paid some girls to take pity at school dances, he had gotten comfortable with the swaying back and forth to a slow song. He still hadn't been a fan but at least it was something and sometimes it was fun, mainly at the wedding he had dragged Meredith to during their summer together. But overall he still hated dancing.

Which in short was why he was quite certain his fiancee was out of her mind signing them both up for a ballroom lessons so they could waltz for their first dance.

And now he was standing in the middle of an empty room, surrounded by mirrors and uncomfortably holding the woman he was going to marry in about four months in his arms, worried more about his framework than anything else. He wasn't even quite sure what framework was but he was certain he could think of a million other things he'd rather be doing. Mark had invited him out for drinks. Meredith was getting off work soon and he still needed to show her the tiny creek he had found on the land he was aching to buy. He had a case he could be looking ofr and an article he should be working on. Instead he was here in hell, being tortured.

"Derek!"

"I...uhh...what?" he breathed, jumping out of his reverie.

"You just stepped on my toe!"

"Oh...sorry," he frowned, pulling his feet back slightly as he looked down at them. He might not be the smoothest dancer but he was pretty sure he had never stepped on feet before. "I told you I'd be no good."

"Well maybe if you would pay attention you wouldn't be so bad," Madie groaned in frustration. "You're a million miles away today."

"Sorry, I just have some stuff I need to get done and I keep thinking it."

"Of course you do," Madie nodded. "It's not just today."

"What?"

"You always have something else on your mind," she rolled her eyes, something she never really did all that often. "Every single time I try to talk to you about our wedding, you have something else on your mind."

"I've had a lot going on recently."

"Derek..."

"Madie, I have," Derek sighed. "With picking up hours at the hospital and Sophie's pregnant again, it's just been a little hectic."

"And thosethings are more important than our wedding?"

Derek sighed as he pulled away from her, running his fingers through his curls as he heard the dance instructor mumble some excuse before leave the room. He didn't want to fight. Honestly, he didn't even feel angry, just tired, annoyed and frustrated, mainly tired. "Can you not put words in my mouth, Mads? Of course the wedding is important to me."

"Except work, Mark and that Meredith girl are more important," she nodded quickly.

"No they aren't..." he breathed, shaking his head at the way his heart had clenched at Meredith's name. Which made no sense at all. She was just Meredith. "It's just...maybe I don't want this wedding."

"You..what?" her eyes were wide with shock.

Derek shook his own head as he moved to pace around the room, avoiding looking at their reflection in the mirror. He hadn't meant to tell her the truth. It had been plaguing him for months now, since a week after he had given her the ring and she had booked the hall that was big enough to fit two hundred and fifty people. He wasn't sure why but he had always imagined his wedding would be small and intimate, not the big lavish affair Madeline had been planning. "Maybe I don't want this wedding."

"You don't want to marry me?" she whispered, sounding more vulnerable than Derek could ever remember her sounding.

"Oh, Mads," he sighed. "I didn't mean it that way. I want to marry you. I asked, didn't I? Just not like this, I didn't think that my wedding was going to be such a big...production."

"Well, it's not your day."

"It's not?"

"No, it's...I'm the bride," she frowned. "I'm the bride and it's my day and I want a big wedding."

"I thought it was our day."

"It's my day," Madie sighed. "And you never said anything. We've been planning this for months and now you say you don't want it."

"You never asked," Derek shrugged. "You planned and planned and planned and you never stopped to ask if I was okay with any of this. You never asked how I wanted to get married."

"Well I can imagine that. You'd probably want to get married on that stupid cliff of yours."

"The cliff isn't stupid."

"It's not a place to get married and you would want that."

"Fine, I would," Derek nodded. "I think that would be the perfect spot to get married but we could have compromised, Madie. We could have come up with a wedding that worked for both us instead of this...one that only works for you. It wouldn't have been that hard."

"I don't want to compromise on the day I've been planning since I was four!"

"How is that even fair?"

"It's not," Madie snapped slightly. "It's not fair to you but it's my day, my wedding is supposed to be my day."

"You're not the only one getting married."

"I'm the only one that cares!"

"I care," Derek groaned. "If I didn't care I wouldn't have asked you to marry me in the first place. I care. I just don't care about this wedding."

"What is possibly wrong with it, Derek?"

"It's just not me."

"But I supposed that stupid cliff you found is?"

"Can this not turn intp a fight about the land?" Derek sighed. "I already told you I'm not going to buy it."

"A fight..." Madie suddenly breathed, her eyes wide. "Derek, we don't fight. Ever."

"We don't," Derek agreed, moving to pace again. He had no idea how this had even gotten so off track. She was right, they never fought, they hardly ever disagreed and when they did, they were rational and calm about it. He had just really hated the dancing. "I'm sorry, Mads, I just...I hate dancing."

"But we have to dance, it's our wedding."

"I know, I just...never wanted to learn how to waltz and clearly I suck at it."

"So that's it? A minute ago you hated the entire wedding..."

"I..." Derek sighed as the pager at his hip suddenly beeped, 911 displaying on the tiny screen. "Crap. Mads, I have to go."

"Of course you do. Job is more important than our wedding."

"Job is paying for the wedding."

"Oh...yeah," Madie sighed. "I know you have to go. We'll talk about this tonight when you're calmer and have had some time to think about everything."

"Yeah," he nodded. "We'll figure it out."

"We will."

"I'll see you later," he murmured, kissing her cheek quickly before turning to walk away.

His hands were shaking as he moved toward the door, they were shaking hard and he was pretty sure that it had nothing to do with the first he had just had and everything to do with Meredith.

Some voice in his head was repeating everything she had said to him the week before, about his true love understanding that the cliff was such a big part of him in a lot of ways and how he was getting married and that should be exciting and big and he should be happy about that. The words had been plaguing him since he had dropped her off at her house that day, but he had done his best to ignore the ring of truth but right now they were all blaring though his head. Madie didn't understand that the cliff was him, she didn't understand that his huge wedding wasn't him at all and he had no idea what that meant about anything.

Recently everyone had been asking him if he was happy. Sophie, Mom, Mark and Meredith and he hadn't been. Except he had desperately wanted to believe that that was okay, that the happiness he strived for didn't actually exist and just had to let it go.

But he was also quite certain that a groom wasn't supposed to feel that queasy and distracted while learning to dance with his bride.

This wasn't good, this wasn't good at all. They never fought and now they had, or at least they kind of had and now his hands refused to stop shaking as his ex-girlfriend's words played over and over again in his head. She would probably giggle at the sight of him in a morning coat and dancing a waltz. She would probably laugh out loud and never let him live it down. She would understand why he wanted to get married at the cliff.

Because she understood how much that cliff was who he was.

He took a deep breath, trying to steady his hands as he moved toward his car. This was not how he was supposed to be feeling at all and now he had no idea what to do. He had no idea what he was supposed to do next.

He honestly didn't even know what he wanted next.

Although steady hands and Meredith's voice talking about soul mates out of his head would be a good place to start.

_And tonight I realized_

_I really have no sense of myself_

_No way to take it back_

_I am frozen in my tracks_

**So there it was...something I wanted to show that Madie isn't all that bad because she does love him and she's not a bad person, but she just doesn't really understand who Derek is and they really don't fit and I wanted to have an update show that. And I wanted to show that Derek...really is starting to think about things.**

**I may update later tonight, if not definitely tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	20. Chapter 20

_Sometimes he hated her._

_It sounded horrible and awful to think of hating the girl he hadn't even known for two months, the girl that the second he had met her he would have sworn he was going to marry here but sometimes he actually hated her._

_He threw the tiny rubber ball against his wall, groaning slightly as he caught it. He couldn't remember everything they had yelled at each other a few hours ago but he was certain she probably didn't deserve half of what he said. Or maybe she had. She was immature and irresponsible at times, she had a tendency to be a little flighty and she drove him mad most of the time. Not to mention he had the joy of spending most of the night before living in total fear that his girlfriend had been raped and left for dead so maybe she did deserve it._

_Because the entire time he had been worried to death, she had been out drinking and doing who knows what with knows who._

_Okay, he knew that wasn't fair. Meredith might have a tendency to party too hard and make some stupid decisions but he was pretty sure he could trust he not to do that to him, she was loyal. And a whole other slew of adjectives that made her perfect in almost every way._

_Besides the whole going out partying instead of being with him like they had planned._

_Somehow he wasn't surprised to hear the window slide open._

_"Derek?" he soft voice came from the window area._

_"Hey."_

_"Hey," she breathed, slipping her shoes off as she moved slowly toward the bed._

_"You're here," Derek murmured, throwing the ball against the wall again._

_"I am and I'm sorry," she whispered. "Which I know it sounds lame and pathetic and it's probably not even close to enouhg but I'm sorry. I didn't...we fight alot and I hate it, I hate fighting with you and I wanted to see you last night and I know I fucked up and I'm sorry."_

_"I know," he sighed. "I know you are."_

_"And...I'm sorry I called you a stick in the mud that doesn't know how to have any fun," she sighed._

_"You didn't," he frowned._

_"I did."_

_"Oh," he laughed slightly. "I'm sorry I yelled."_

_"You...you yelled a lot," she nodded, moving to sit on his bed. "But I probably deserved it, I just didn't...I'm sorry I did that and I should have been yelled at so it's okay you yelled."_

_"Yelling is never okay," he sighed, moving closer to her._

_"I forgot," she admitted, watching him carefully. "And it's stupid and idiotic and really stupid but I forgot. I was out with Cris and one thing led to another and before I remember..."_

_"You were already drunk and it was too late."_

_"Yeah," she breathed, picking at a thread sticking out of his slightly worn bedspread._

_"It's not okay but you're forgiven," he nodded, wrapping an arm around her waist._

_"Oh..." she breathed out, leaning into him, her head falling to his shoulder. "You were probably really mad last night. I know you have a temper which is usually kind of really sexy but I completely blew you off after I've given you hell so many times about cancelling plans and..."_

_"I was worried."_

_"You were...what?"_

_"It's not like you to not show up," he shrugged. "I called your house and no one was there, I had no idea where you were. I was worried."_

_"Worried."_

_"I was terrified something had happened."_

_"Oh...I thought...I figured, mad, you were mad."_

_"I only got mad when you showed up hungover this morning to apologize," he laughed softly, pressing a kiss to her head. "Last night I was just worried."_

_"I didn't...I'm sorry."_

_"I know."_

_"I love you," she whispered, turning her head to look up at him._

_He looked down at her, feeling the last embers of anger fade as her green eyes caught his. She had a way of looking at him like he was everything that made him completely forget about being angry at her. It was impossible to stay angry at her for any length of time, especially since he had already gotten to know her enough to know she was being truthful. She really had just forgotten. "I love you too," he murmured._

_"Good," she smiled, kissing him gently before pulling away to rest her head on his shoulder again. "We fight a lot."_

_"We do."_

_"Why?"_

_"I don't know, Mer," he sighed, threading his fingers in between hers. "We like fucking up a lot?"_

_"It's the first time I've done this, the...relationship thingy."_

_"I know."_

_"What's your excuse?" she giggled slightly, the soft sound relaxing his body into hers even more._

_"I've never felt this way before."_

_"Oh."_

_"And...I am not trying to freak you out or anything or say anything more than that because it really hasn't been long," he breathed. "But this things we have...it's intense."_

_"It is."_

_"So we probably fight a lot because of that. When things are intense, they have a tendency to explode easily."_

_"Are you calling our fights explosions?" she giggled._

_"They feel a lot like it."_

_"They do," she nodded, curling further into his chest. "I really do hate fighting with you."_

_"I hate it too," he sighed._

_"Do you think maybe one day we'll...old married couple or something and just not be as intense and less explosions?" Meredith whispered._

_"Probably," he nodded. "You'll yell at me for not putting the toilet seat down and I'll yell at you for leaving your face stuff all over the counter or something else girly."_

_"My face stuff?"_

_"Yeah, those creams and things girls use before they go to bed every night," he shrugged._

_"And what makes you think I use these creams?"_

_"All my sisters do."_

_"Fine," she giggled. "And I want that...the yelling at each other about really mundane things, I want that."_

_"So do I," he nodded._

_Silence fell and he moved to pay back on his bed, bringing her with him, smiling at the way her body immediately curled around his. He loved the way she felt in his arms. He had never been a big guy and while she definitely wasn't much smaller than he was, but somehow when she curled up to him he felt like he was big enough to protect her from anything. Something about the way she allowed him to hold her, made him feel steadier than he ever had, he couldn't exactly put it into words._

_Plus there was the soft smell of Meredith and lavender that always surrounded her that had to be the most addicting smell in the world._

_This was when he loved her the most, the quiet times in his bed when it was just tehm and he couldn't heat any of his family, when he just held her and felt her close to him. The peace that filled the room was like something he had never sensed before and he wanted to hold onto it forever._

_"Please tell me you at least had a good time last night," he sighed after a while._

_"I did," she giggled._

_"And no other boys?"_

_"Derek!" she gasped, shifting to hit his chest har. "Don't be an idiot. You know that you're...there's no other boys."_

_"I was joking, Mer."_

_"Well...you're not funny," she pouted, rolling off of him to lay on her back, her arms crossed in front of her._

_"Meredith."_

_"I'm...I'm insulted that you'd even ask that kind of question," she nodded firmly, but Derek didn't miss the edge of held back laughter in her voice._

_"It's just because you're so damn hot."_

_"And you're using flattery to get yourself out of troubles. Ass."_

_"Hmmm..." he smiled, rolling onto his side, propping himself on his own elbow to look down at her, laughing softly at her determined frown mismatching the mischievous sparkle in her eyes. "Is it working?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"Maybe," he nodded, ducking his head down to kiss her. "Is this working better?"_

_"I...I think so, yes."_

_"Good," he laughed, ducking his head down again to deepen the kiss, his tongue brushing along the line where her lips met._

_"Make up sex?" she breathed against his lips._

_"Make up sex," he nodded, pushing himself over her completely as her hands movied to his curls and the kiss deepened further, his tongue finding hers at her hips rocked up. "Hmmm..."_

_"Slow..."_

_"Slow. And quiet."_

_"Quiet."_

_Somehow he was sure she was still supposed to be mad. As she slipped the shirt off of him, he was certain he was still supposed to be mad at her but he wasn't. He loved her and right now he wanted nothing more than to be doing this. Staying mad wasn't their thing anyway._

_And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright  
Cause baby we don't have to fight  
And I don't want this love to feel like..._


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: Right now, I'm extremely happy I don't own the show. Because there's always back stage drama and well...I have enough drama in my own life**

**Okay, sorry for the delay! Sorry sorry sorry. It's just summer is winding down which is always a busy time and then I have a friend coming to visit next week so I'm busy getting ready for that and well...sorry. But here it is now.**

**Enjoy!  
**

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"I can't believe you still don't know how to cook," Derek laughed from his place bent over the counter, sprinking something on the...she was pretty sure it was steak. She had never really seen it raw before but it looked like steak and he knew she loved steak so it was probably steak.

"I never did, Der," she shrugged.

"Which is exactly the point," he nodded. "When you were in college it was excusable, expected even, but now...it's just sad."

"I really don't see what the big deal about me not knowing how to cook is," Meredith giggled, grabbing for a mushroom from the bowl he had left sitting near the stove. "There's never been a reason."

"Feeding yourself is a reason."

"Restaurants and microwaves feed me," she grinned.

"Sad."

Meredith giggled as she grabbed for her glass of red wine that had been waiting for her when she got here, the amazing red wine that she definitely had to ask Derek where he got it and what it was because it was perfect. Tonight was perfect. She had just seen him a couple of days ago and she had definitely been planning on spending a quiet night at home alone but he had called and apparently Madie had a friend thing and Mark had been called in for an emergency surgery and now she was here.

"Maybe I just find cute boys to cook for me," she smirked.

"For that comment, I should teach you how to cook," he smiled. "It's never too late to learn and it might even save you money."

"Until I burn down your gorgeous apartment and you make me pay you back."

"Hmmm..." he sighed, pausing to look around the kitchen that looked like it had been ripped from one of those home magazines she liked to look at. It didn't look like a real kitchen at all. "I think I'll let it burn, insurance will cover it and I won't miss it."

"Oh," she nodded, glancing into the perfectly immaculate living room. She was pretty sure it would be rude to ask Derek if he bought it this way. That sounded like a rude question except the apartment looked nothing like she imagined him living in. His mom's house was warm and lived in and it looked like a home, not some wierd museum. "You'd still have to admit I started it."

"Get your ass off the chair and come over and learn."

"Bossy," she frowned, even as she moved to get up and do just as he said. She was pretty sure she should warn him others had tried and failed but she wasn't sure he'd listen.

"Thank you," he grinned.

"You're teaching me how to grill steaks?"

"Mer, that's far too complex for you," he laughed. "Stand at the counter and I'll grab some potatoes. You can make whipped potatoes."

"Whipped potatoes?"

"Remember those fluffy, really white potatoes my mom makes that you used to eat by the bucket full?"

"Yes."

"Those."

"I'm learning to make those?" she smiled widely, her stomach growling for effect.

"That at least is the plan," he nodded. "First you have to peel them."

"Oh...how?"

"With this," he laughed, handing her something that didn't look like it could do much of anything.

"Okay but...how?"

"It's easy," he laughed, grabbing the very strange looking object from her hand and moving to stand close behind her and suddenly Meredith really didn't care about how to peel potatoes. He felt completely different than he had years ago when they had first met, he wa s more solid and muscular and warmer or something. She had hugged him since seeing him again but somehow she hadn't noticed this, the way his chest now felt and how he smelled. Completely different and yet even though he wasn't holding her, just standing insanely close, the same sense of safety filled her.

"Oh...I..."

"And just run it over the potato like this," he murmured in her ear. "See? Simple as that."

"Simple," she echoed as he moved away, or not away at all, just moved to stand beside her, grabbing for the two steaks and placing them on the grill that sat next to the oven. Cold air replaced where his body had been along her back and the sensation made her tremble.

"I just can't believe you still can't cook," he shook his head.

"I...never learned..."

"When I talk to my mom next, I have to tell her you still don't know how to cook."

"Your mom wants to grab coffee with me sometime," she smiled, hoping that somehow the topic of his mother would make her forget about how good he felt leaning against her. It had to help because she couldn't spend the rest of the night wanting to touch him again.

"Really? When did you see her?"

"A while ago I ran into her when I went to my mom's house, her and Sophie, " Meredtih shrugged.

"You ran into her and Sophie and Soph didn't even think to tell me? And you didn't think to tell me?"

"Sorry," she giggled.

"Of course," he rolled his eyes, smiling as he moved to flip the steaks. "That should be enough potatoes for the two of us."

"Okay, what do I do now?"

"Let them cook."

"What?"

"The water is already boiling, you just have to...let them boil, they get soft and then we'll do the next step."

"So I just...watch them?"

"Well then they'll never boil," he laughed. "You relax, keep checking back on them to make sure the pot doesn't boil dry or boil over."

"Okay..."

"Boil dry means what it sounds like it means, all the water evaporate and the pot is dry. Boil over means it's too hot and there was too much boiling so it overflows the pot."

"And it shouldn't do either?"

"It should be good."

"Okay," she shrugged, backing up to grab her glass of wine and take a deep breath that didn't smell like him. She had no idea what was wrong with her. This was hardly her first time spending time alone with him, and since they had met again she was pretty sure they had managed to hug every time they saw each other but tonight she couldn't get past how good he smelled and how good he felt.

"Madie and I had a fight yesterday."

"Oh I'm sorry."

"We never fight."

"What?" she frowned, handing him his glass of wine.

"Madie and I, we never really fight. We rarely disagree and when we do it, it never becomes a screaming match but yesterday it did."

"What about?"

"The wedding."

"What's wrong with the wedding?"

"I hate it."

"You hate your wedding?"

"Mer, we got into a fight at a dance lesson, a ballroom dancing lesson where I was learning the basic steps to some kind of waltz. Which I'm expected to do while wearing a morning coat with hundreds of people looking at me."

"You...what?" she murmured, biting the inside of her cheek as she felt laughter bubbling up inside her.

"You hear me right."

"Oh..." she nodded, trying to take a fast desperate breath right before she broke into a fit of giggles that left her bent over, holding her stomach as the wine slashed in her glass. "Der..."

"I knew this was how you would react!"

"So...sorry..." she gasped, trying to make herself stop laughing. "It's just...the image...of morning...coat and..."

"Yeah, yeah," he groaned.

"I'm...okay, okay," she nodded, taking a deep steady breath as she moved forward to wrap her arms around his neck. "I will stop laughing...it's just...that's not...you."

"Hmmm..." he breathed, placing his wine on the counter before wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You...you'd be a simple wedding on your cliff with only friends and family."

"I would be," he nodded, a look in his eyes she wasn't sure she could even place her finger on, something that looked an awful lot like joy and shock and surprise and...she really didn't know.

"That would be...perfect. For you."

"Hmmm..."

"Derek."

"I've been thinking about things, about what you said."

"Oh."

"I'm...thinking."

"Good," she murmured, suddenly aware of exactly how close he was to her, how they were holding each other, leaning against the counter, far closer than they had any reason to be. And his chest was hard against hers, his arms were strong around her tiny waist and things were fuzzy. She had only had two glasses of wine so fuzzy definitely didn't make sense but they were fuzzy, really fuzzy. She leaned further into him, watching as his eyes closed in on her mouth, something she had noticed years ago he always did when he was thinking of kissing her and his tongue darted across his lips and this was crazy.

But she closed the tiny gap between their mouths anyway.

Something exploded as their lips met, it sounded wierd and cheesy but it was the only way she could describe the way her body suddenly melted as heat washed over her and she felt herself growing desperate, the kiss taking on an unexpected edge as he pulled her tighter into him, his tongue demanding entry into her mouth and she moved her hands into his curls.

It was a hell of a kiss.

"Der...Derek," she gasped as he she pulled back slightly.

"Mer..." he whispered, his eyes dark, his chest heaving against hers and she could feel his body trembling ever so slightly.

"That...I should...I'm..."

"I don't..."

"Derek..."

"I..." he breathed, his head ducking down to her again briefly, almost like he was actually going to let himself be a little insane again when he suddenly pulled back. "Something's burning..."

"Crap!" she swore, jumping out of his arms. "Potatoes, the damn potatoes..."

"And this is why you've never learned to cook," he laughed, sounding still pretty shaky.

"I...yeah, probably."

"We'll just start over."

Meredith bit her tongue to not ask exactly what they were going to start over: the whole night, the potatoes or the kiss that somehow still had her breathless because she had never been kissed quite like that, not even the hundreds of times he had kissed her before.

She had just kissed an engaged man, one she most definitely had feelings for, one she was pretty sure was starting to get really confused about his entire engaged status. She should be running. She knew she should be freaking out, terrified and making any excuse she could think of to get out of this apartment. It is what a sane woman would do, she was well aware of this. The last thing she should be doing was staying here and spending the rest of the evening thinking about wanting to be kissed like that again.

Instead, she grabbed for the potato peeling thing.

_It's the moment when you started closin' in_

_First you're holding back, then surrenderin'_

_It can start a fire, light up the sky, such a simple thing._

_Do you wanna try?_

_Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?_

**So they kissed. Because well...god knows that was a long time coming. They kissed and it was perfect and amazing and Meredith knows she should be running far far away but she just doesn't want to. So she doesn't. And that's all I have to say about that, haha.**

**Will try to update tomorrow!  
**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: This would have been up earlier but I got distracted watching an interview with Garth Stein, my fave writer. If I owned the show, I'd so have Patrick introduce me to him.**

**Wow! Up on the day I said it would be up. It's times like this that I even impress myself, hahahahah. And as I said, would have been up sooner but I got distracted watching an interview with Garth Stein. But it is here now, right before I crash. **

**So enjoy!  
**

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He could still feel her lips against his.

It had been a couple of nights since they had shared the surprising kiss. Somehow they had managed to get through the rest of the evening cooking and laughing as if they could both pretend that the kiss hadn't happened. It hadn't been forced, it hadn't been awkward. It had just...been, it was the only way he knew to describe it.

And the second she had left his apartment, all he could think about was the way it had felt to kiss her.

It had been amazing. He had admittedly been thinking of doing it for a few weeks not, probably since he had seen her but he knew he shouldn't have. Kissing her had been a horrible idea but he couldn't remember a kiss being more perfect than the one they had shared in his kitchen. The soft way her lips had moved, the way she tasted, her small breaths, all of it had been perfect. He felt like hell about doing it, he wasn't one to kiss other women while engaged to one but he couldn't get it out of his head.

And he couldn't help but want to do it again.

Which is probably why he had, for the first time in far too long, actually been the one to make the plans with Madie. It was probably why he had insisted that they had to go out, had to make a night of it.

Now he was sitting in the bar, wondering what the hell he had been thinking.

Because Madie was going on about the wedding and all he could think about was the look of joy on Meredith's face when she had taken a bite of the potatoes she had made perfectly, and how the conversation had just flown, hours disappearing without either of them knowing it. He felt like he was a teenager again, just figuring out lovefor the first time.

This wasn't good at all.

"I'm going to get another drink," he sighed, cutting Madie off mid-sentence about the hall. "Want anything?"

"I'm good with my water," he nodded.

"Okay," he nodded, sighing in frustration as he moved toward the bar. Madie was on a water kick right now, something about wanting to fit into her wedding dress although she was so skinny he wasn't exactly sure what the problem would be. "Scotch please," he ordered.

"Derek!"

"Mer?" Derek smiled, recognizing her voice immediately as his head moved quickly to where the voice had come from. He had no idea how he had missed her. He had been people watching since the second he had arrived and yet somehow he hadn't seen the familiar dirty blonde hair or had caught her eye at any time. She looked amazing, it was the last thing he should be thinking on a night out with his fiancee but it was the truth, he could never get over how amaizng she managed to look in nothing but jeans and an old t-shirt. "Mer!"

"Hey!" she grinned, moving to hug him. "I thought it was you but I didn't want to interrupt."

"You should have," he laughed, squeezing her tightly. "I didn't even see you, how did I not see you?"

"Not looking hard enough," she giggled.

"I guess not," he smiled, backing up but leaving her hand on her arm. "Let me get you a drink, Mer."

"Okay," she smiled, settling beside me as I ordered her a shot of tequila, trying to ignore how happy I suddenly was and the way her arm was brushing gently against mine.

"How are you?"

"I'm good, you?"

"Good," he nodded.

Silence fell between them and Derek was pretty sure it was supposed to be the awkward kind, considering that he had kissed her the last time he had seen her, was now on a date with his fiancee and couldn't stop thinking about kissing Meredith again but somehow it was completely comfortable as they watched the bartender pour the shot and pass it toward Meredith.

"Thanks," she grinned.

"Just trying to get you drunk," he laughed, sipping at his own scotch. "I still remember the interest effect tequila has on you and your clothing."

"It...maybe it doesn't have that effect anymore."

"I think it does," he nodded, leaning into her. "Figured I would do some lucky guy a favour, get the prettiest girl in the bar drunk...flexible, adventurous...and naked."

"So you're getting me drunk so another man can take advantage of me?"

"Except we both know you're usually the one that takes advantage."

"You haven't even known me in over a decade," she giggled. "And just because there was a few times that I...you don't know me and maybe I don't even like tequila anymore."

"Because that's believable."

"I hate you."

"And I know you," he smirked, bumping her hip slightly, watching as she threw back the shot of tequila, watching the way her neck curved as she leaned her head back. He wanted her. He wanted to get her drunk, because she was incredible after just the right amount and he wanted to take her to the washroom to have his way with her, even though he knew he'd spend the entire time thinking he was in charge when she was the one in charge all along. It was how she worked and he wanted it.

He wanted to take her home and have it all night.

And then wake up beside her the next morning.

"I am not picking up tonight, Derek Shepherd," she rolled her eyes. "I'm not that girl anymore."

"Hmmm..." he smiled. "Maybe I just wanted to buy a beautiful lady a drink."

"And now the compliments come out," she giggled.

"Of course," he laughed.

Flirting with an ex-girlfriend who was now a friend that you had happened to kiss and wanted to kiss again had to be against the rules of being on a date with the fiancee. Derek was pretty sure it had to be and he should stop but this felt far too comfortable.

"Derek?" Madie's voice suddenly came from behind him.

Okay, now it was awkward.

"Oh...Madie," Derek breathed, jumping away from Meredith's side. "I was...drinks and this...Meredith."

"What?" Madie frowned.

"This is...Meredith, my friend Meredith," Derek nodded quickly. "Mer, this is Madie...my fiancee Madie."

"Nice to meet you," Meredith nodded, looking at Madeline far too carefully. Or at least it looked that way to Derek but that probably had something to do with the fact he knew Meredith didn't think Madie was right for him, so of course now that they had finally met she would be looking for something in Madie, something that made her not fit even more.

Or it may just be because she had kissed Madie's fiance.

"You too," Madie smiled tightly. "I've heard absolutely nothing about you."

"Oh...Derek, Derek talks about you all the time," Meredith smiled, nodding quickly as her careful gaze turned toward Derek. "Only good things."

"Always good things, Mads," Derek smiled. "Meredith's here with..."

"Some of my coworkers," Meredith nodded, gesturing to some far off corner where they couldn't actually see anything. "We landed a big account so we're out celebrating."

"You went out with your coworkers?" Derek grinned.

"We're...bonding or something," Meredith giggled.

"I'm proud," he laughed. "And here they all thoughts you were the boss with a stick up her ass."

"Well now that you're buying me tequila..."

"What is it you do?" Madie cut in, her voice clear and sharp as she grabbed for Derek's hand.

"I work in advertising," Meredith smiled.

"She was in Seattle and they just transfered her here and gave her a big promotion," Derek nodded.

"It wasn't that big," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"She's being modest."

"I don't know a thing about advertising," Madie shook her head. "Derek had said you two dated when he was in medical school, I figured you were a doctor too."

"No, we were neighbours."

"You know the empty house across the street from Ma's?" Derek asked, squeezing Madie's hand. "That was her mom's...well I guess it still is."

"Derek, please don't call her Ma is sounds so..."

"Derek has never mentioned what you do," Meredith cut Madie off quickly. "He...he talks about you and the wedding but never...I don't know what you do."

"I'm a lawyer."

"Oh," Meredith nodded, something flashing in her eyes that looked like disbelief. Derek wasn't sure if it was she never pictured him dating a lawyer, because admittedly he had never imagined it either or if it was simply that Madie never really came off as a lawyer at first meeting. "A lawyer."

"I was the medical expert at one of her cases," Derek nodded.

"And by the end of the first day, I had already asked him out."

"You asked him out?" Meredith asked.

"I did."

"Well that's...very..."

"Damn," Madie breathe as her cell phone rang and she pulled it quickly out of her purse. "Sweetheart, I have to take this. I'll be right back, okay?"

Before Derek could answer Madie had the phone to her ear and was making her way out of the bar.

"Seriously?" Meredith breathed.

"Mer...I..." Derek shook his head, turning back toward Meredith, hating the frown and disbelief in her eyes.

"She's just...seriously?"

"I swear that wasn't her at her best."

"Derek..." Meredith sighed, moving to hug him again, wrapping her arms around his neck and Derek breathed deeply, letting the smell of lavender take over the faint smell of stale beer that filled the bar. His body relaxed into her and he breathed deeply again, finding himself enjoying the feel of her against him, of standing in a crowd but her so close to him and he wasn't evne going to care if Madie came back in and saw them like this. He needed this. "She is completely wrong for you."

"That was five minutes..."

"She's a lawyer, Der."

"And?"

"She was wearing a business suit in a pub," Meredith giggled. "And she's...cold, but not ...I mean, she seemed nice, in a meeting an ex-girlfriend kind of way but not...she would never hike with you."

"She doesn't hike," Derek nodded.

"She's just...everything you aren't," she breathed, squeezing his neck gently. "I'm sure she's great but she's just not...for you."

"Hmmm..."

"I know you're thinking about things."

"I am."

"And...you listening to an ex-girlfriend tell you she's not for you that probably...there's linesand I clearly am stepping over them or something."

"You're not," he shook his head quickly.

"I think...this isn't...I'm not trying to ruin your engagement so I can have you..."

"I know that," he laughed softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "You want me to be happy and you don't think she makes me happy. I know. I get it."

"Good."

"And I'm thinking."

"Good," she nodded, pulling back. "I...I should probably get back to my celebration thing but when you're done that drink...let me buy you one, I owe you and I think you need it."

"Probably," he sighed. "Want to do something this weekend?"

"Definitely," she nodded.

"Okay."

"Der?"

"Hmmm..."

"I know...I know things are weird right now, with Madie and everything and me and I know...but it will work out, " she nodded firmly. "Whatever is supposed to happen will happen."

"Since when have you been an optimist?"

"I grew up, Der," she giggled, turning to walk back toward her table.

Derek sighed and moved back toward his table to wait for Madie, wondering exactly what she would have to say about Meredith. He hadn't expected them to get along, he had never put much thought into them meeting but when he did, it had never been a picture perfect meeting or anything even close. He couldn't actually believe how opposite the women were when they were both so close to him in different ways but he hadn't expected Meredith to like Madie.

But the simple fact she had seen so quickly how wrong Madie was for him had his head spinning.

**So I figured it was time the two women in Derek's life met each other for some fun awkwardness...and there it was. Because they're nothing alike and Mer has feeling and Madie is well Madie and Mer freaking out a little because she had just met the woman...all the while trying to destroy her engagement. So yes, there it was. **

**I really hope to update tomorrow. I'm out all day with family but tomorrow night should be good. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did I wouldn't be writing fanfic and I also wouldn't need to put a disclaimer saying I didn't own it.**

**Sorry this took so long guys! It's just been a little crazy in my life. I had a friend visiting and then I went to see Patrick Dempsey race in Montreal and then my siblings were moving back to school, it's just been a crazy couple of weeks. It's been good, amazing actually, but just busy. But it's here now and it's another flash back but I do believe it's a fun one.**

**Enjoy!**

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_She had to be going crazy._

_Going to a strange boy's home was possibly the worst idea she ever had. Not that she had anything against strange boys but usually she brought them home because somehow being in her own bed seemed safer or something. Not that she was going to be in Derek's bed, but the point was going to his home was probably really crazy and stupid and she didn't even know the man. For all she knew the really charming attitude was a front to get her inside so he could rape her and..._

_Okay, so far he had been pretty perfect, he had grabbed her a towel the second they had walked in the door, and an old t-shirt and pyjama pants that she had to roll a few times to keep up so she could warm up. Now her clothes were in the dryer and he was in the kitchen making something warm. He had been kind of amazing._

_But it didn't mean he wasn't suddenly going to turn into some insane rapist and it probably be best to make up a lame excuse and leave._

_"Here you go," Derek smiled, walking in with two steaming cups in his hands, a bag of marshmallows tucked underneath his arm. "I wasn't sure if you took marshmallows in your hot cocoa so I just brought them with me."_

_"Oh thanks," Meredith nodded, smiling up at hims as she grabbed for her mug._

_He was adorable. It was a strange word to describe a grown man but in the time it had taken or him to change into his own dry clothes and make the shot cocoa his hair had dried into a curly mess that was now sticking up in every direction over his head. He was smiling warmly as he lowered himself onto the couch, his blue eyes shinning in a way she wasn't sure she had noticed because she had been too busy shivering as she slowly froze to death outside in the rain. He was totally and completely gorgeous in a really odd and dorky way and she was pretty sure he didn't look like a rapist, he just looked like ...Derek._

_Besides, she was pretty sure a rapist wouldn't think to bring her marshmallows for her hot cocoa._

_"So marshmallows?" he offered._

_"Lots," she giggled._

_"Figured," he smiled, grabbing a handful out of the bag and dropping them in her mug before putting some in his own. "So I have no idea where any of my family is."_

_"It's okay," she shrugged. "They're probably just out."_

_"My house is never empty," he rolled his eyes, sipping at his cocoa. "I just feel kind of...creepy briging you home to an empty house."_

_"Oh," she breathed, because she was pretty sure he definitely wasn't a rapist. A rapist wouldn't think to say that. "I think I'm safe with you, I feel safe with you or...I know I don't...okay, shutting up."_

_"You feel safe?"_

_"I do," she nodded, staring at her mug._

_"Well you are," he smiled. "I'm definitely not going to do anything."_

_"Good," she nodded._

_"I mean...if I was that kind of person, I would...you would be an excellent target," he laughed._

_"Well it's good to know that," she giggled, sipping at the hot cocoa, a soft sigh escaping her as she she felt the hot sweet liquid go down to her stomach, warning her from the inside. She had no idea what he had done exactly but it was really good hot cocoa, not just the add water and stir kind she usually used._

_"But I won't do anything."_

_"Okay," she nodded._

_"Unless you want me to do something."_

_Her head snapped upand she turned quickly to look at him, finding his eyes wide with shock and his cheeks pink, clearly just as surprised as she was that the words had come out of his mouth. "Derek..."_

_"If you...I mean...we could..." he studdered, his eyes dropping from the wide shocked expression to study his own mug. "If you want..."_

_Meredith bit back a giggle as she put the mug down and turned toward him, pressing a hand to his thigh. "You're new at this, aren't you?"_

"_Look at me, Mer," he half smiled, gesturing to the out of control curls and the frame that could only be called lean. "Not many girls are really interested in...this. So yeah..."_

"_Are you..a..."_

"_No," he shook his head quickly. "Definitely not, there's been...numerous girls, they're been...there has been girlfriends just not..."_

"_Girls you've just met?" Meredith giggled._

"_Yeah," he breathed._

"_So you're new to dirty, possibly entirely inappropriate sex?" she asked, raising an eyebrow._

"_Ye...yeah," he nodded, studying his hands carefully. "And you can...it's probably stopped raining so you can go and we can pretend this whole incredibly awkward tihng even happened. I'm sorry, I know I'm not..."_

_Meredith had been prepared for when her lips met his; while he had been rambling about her not wanting him for whatever reason, she had been leaning toward him, watching his lips and planning on kissing him , so she had been prepared for her lips closing over his, finding them surprisingly soft and strong all at once, she had even been prepared for the slight tinge of chocolate she found there._

_She hadn't expected the warm shock of electricity or something that flowed through her body._

"_Oh," he gasped slightly and his arms wrapped around her, pulling her to him with a strength and urgency that also hadn't been expected as she slipped her tongue into his mouth and deepened the kiss._

"_Derek," she whispered._

"_Mer..." he breathed, his hands moving through her hair, his lips tearing away from hers to press against her jaw line, along the curve of her neck as his teeth nipped where her neck and shoulders met._

"_Oh wow," she murmured as a shiver ran over her body, leaving her panting and clinging to him. "Please..."_

_His hands moved to the bottom of the shirt she was wearing, pulling it up and over her head and she vaguely thought that he was quite smooth at this kind of thing considering how awkward he seemed seemed in everything else. But then she stopped thinking as his lips moved along her skin, leaving a hot trail on her heaving chest as he made quick work of her bra, and her brain turned absolutely fuzzy as his surprisingly skilled tongue moved along her nipple._

"_Mer..." he moaned as her shaking hand found the bottom of his shirt, pulling it quickly over his head, hearing something rip but right now she didn't care about anything except having him._

"_Please, please," she whimpered as his mouth found her other nipple as they began working at each other's pants, the shorts she wore coming off easily as she struggled with the fly of his jeans, whimpering again at his gasp of relief as she finally managed to tug them down, leaving his large erection free._

"_Hmmm..." he groaned, moving his head again, pulling her face to his so his lips could meet hers, the kiss surprisingly gentle considering how his hands were exploring her body._

"_Condom," she breathed, pulling her lips away and shivering as his hands moved along her ass. "Please tell me you have a condom."_

"_Wallet," he nodded, breathing hard._

_She grabbed for his pants, giggling breathlessly as his hands moved with her, not stopping caressing as she pulled the wallet out of the pocket and reached for the condom in the back pocket._

"_Thank god."_

"_You...you can do it,"he nodded, his one hand leaving her skin briefly to gently brush along the erection that was so much bigger than she would have given him credit for._

"_Okay," she nodded, ripping the package open and moving quickly to roll it down his hard penis that was already wet with pre-cum._

"_Meredith..." he murmured, all the urgency gone from his touch as he gently moved her beneath him and she let her eyes fall closed as he kissed her gently, his tongue dancing slowly with hers as she brushed the soft curls. He moved slowly, his penis moving into her, slowly moving until he was completely inside her, filling her entirely with just one slow thrust._

_Meredith had no idea why she opened her eyes but she did._

_And suddenly everything stopped. He was deep inside her not moving, his faces inches from hers and everything stopped._

_He pulled out just as slowly, and Meredith purred in appreciation, letting her eyes fall shut as she kissed him again, moving her own hips in tandem with his, rocking up slowly to meet every thrust. Another shiver shook her body as his lips pressed hard against hers, the rhythm starting to build, their bodies finding the urgency that had left them just minutes before. His hands moved deftly, rough from she had no idea what, brushing erotically along her skin as she tugged at the curls, the curls that had seemed adorable and ridiculous and now just made her want to scream hi name as she felt their softness against her hands._

"_Oh god Derek..." she breathed, her body shaking with the orgasm she felt building as his hips started to rock faster and harder into her. She felt herself opening her legs wider, wanting him deeper inside her. "Yes...yes..."_

"_Mer..." he grunted, pushing himself deeper._

"_Der..." she shouted, as he rocked into her, pushing her over the edge as everything around her vanished, her body tensing and her back arching as she felt her body demanding he go deeper or something more than this. "Der..."_

"_Oh Mer..." he breathed, sounding far away._

"_Oh!" she yelled, the orgasm completely washing over her causing her body to shake hard as she grasped for him._

"_Mer..."_

"_Oh...oh..." she half sobbed, her body still trembling, her hips still rocking as his thrusts sped up and became harder as she continued to clench around him._

"_Fuck..."he gasped loudly, rocking into her one last time, his body pushing as far as hers would allow it and she felt him twitch deep inside her as his entire body shuddered._

"_Wow."_

"_Wow."_

"_That was..." she murmured, running a hand along his now sweaty curls as he rolled off of her, his spend penis slipping out of her. "That...wow."_

"_Hmmm..." he breathed. "Yeah."_

"_That..." she shook her head. "For...new to this...really...amazing."_

"_Oh..."_

"_Best ever."_

"_You...that's...good for my ego," he smiled, panting slightly as his breath started to return to normal and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You were wow."_

"_Thanks."_

"_I..." he breathed, running his hand along her arm. "I don't want to move."_

"_Oh," she giggled._

_This was the point where she would usually jump out of bed, even if it was her own bed to pull on her clothes to make some lame excuse about needing to study or snoring too loudly so she could kick the guy out and cut everything before there was any chance of anything resembling strings appearing._

_And right now she had the perfect excuse, his mom or any of his family could come in the house right now and see them like this, naked and spent and she'd have to go into hiding._

_She had the perfect excuse to run._

"_That was really amazing," he murmured._

"_It was," she smiled, looking at him again, their eyes meeting and she found everything stopping again. Just...stoping and something resonated deep inside her that screamed that she was safe and she really didn't have to run._

_Which was crazy._

_But she curled up into his arms anywy, shifting till her head was pressed against his chest where his heart was still beating wildly and she sighed in appreciation as he pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over them before pulling her closer. His tiny yet strong arms wrapped tightly around her, brining her even closer to his less than large chest and she couldn't stop smiling or make herself move._

_She was safe. And she was pretty sure strings might not be a bad thing, she wouldn't mind be attached to this._

_I think I've walked to close to love_

_And I'm falling in_

_There's so many things this weary soul can't take_

_Maybe you just caught me by surprise_

_The first time that I looked into your eyes_

**I do believe this one fall under not all that much to say, hahaha. So that was there first time...and the connection was there immediately. They just clicked right away and Mer got that safe feeling. And well that's it. **

**I may update again later tonight since you had to wait for this one...if not definitely tomorrow. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: The next episode of Grey's Anatomy is going to be all Derek...all Derek. If I owned the show it would always be all Derek. Just saying.**

**I am so so so so so sorry this took so long!! So very sorry! I kept starting to post it and then real life would tear me away and I'm sorry. Very sorry. Work has just been nuts and life and drama and I'm sorry. But here it is now, and I'm going to post two really quickly to make up for it. **

**Enjoy!  
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"Too hard."

"Too hard? Understatement. It feels like a slab of concrete, you might as well go to the prison and sleep."

Meredith giggled at his observation as she shifted slightly, trying to get comfortable even though it was probably entirely impossible but she liked the way her shifting caused their arms to rub together as she stared at the overhead lights. "And what do you know about sleeping in prison?"

"Just what I see on tv but it doesn't look pleasant," he laughed.

"And this definitely isn't pleasant," she shook her head quickly as she pushed herself up. "Next."

"Next," Derek echoed.

Meredith smiled at the man who was some strange best friend like person. She was pretty sure she couldn't qualify him as a best friend because he was an ex-boyfriend that had ended badly but he felt a lot like a best friend. He just wasn't. It was complicated and her best friend definitely shouldn't look that good in a simple t-shirt and jeans combo, because today he looked amazing, dressed far more relaxed than she had seen him since she had first seen him a second time and she wasn't sure what that meant but she liked it.

"This one looks better."

"This one looks like the one I had when I was little," Derek shrugged. "Which wasn't bad but hardly a mattress for someone who can afford a good mattress."

"Maybe I want this mattress."

"You won't," he shook his head, laying down on the mattress. "Definitely not."

Meredith shook her head as she moved to lay down beside him, silently admitting to herself that this definitely wasn't a mattress she wanted to take home. But this was fun. Climbing into bed and testing mattresses with Derek was actually more fun than she had imagined and she was kind of in love with doing it. So there was no point it admitting he was right. "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

Of course Derek did seem a little off today and maybe admitting that the mattress was all wrong would make the smile reach his eyes again. He liked gloating. "Okay...no."

"I'm telling you, you're going to end up with a pillow top," Derek shook his head as they climbed off and onto the next bed.

"And I told you, if I wanted to sleep on top of a pillow I would just buy a bunch of pillows."

"That's not the same thing."

"Yes it is."

"It's not," he shook his head, lowering his head on the pillow, rolling onto his back and crossing his hands over his chest. "Well this one seems to be a bit better."

"It's...not bad," she nodded slowly.

"Pillow top."

"Der..."

"Come on, at least try one."

"But I don't..."

"If you hate it, you can have the satisfaction of spending the rest of the day telling me I was wrong," he pointed out, gently poking her side. "And I'll buy you lunch."

"Fine," she rolled her eyes.

"Come on," Derek laughed, grabbing her hand and pulling her off the bed.

Meredith giggled and shook her head as Derek dragged her to th eother side of the store. She was pretty sure every single sales associate was giving them dirty looks because she was pretty sure she wasn't supposed to be laying on every singe mattress but this too much fun. She had no idea what had possessed her to invite him along for a long overdue mattress search but this was fun. This was actually a lot of fun.

"I'm telling you, the second you lay on this one, you are going to be sorry you ever doubted me."

"I doubt it's going to be that good, Der," Meredith giggled.

"Ye of little faith," Derek smirked, pushing her back onto the bed, before climbing to lay down beside her.

"Oh this is..." she murmured, her body relaxing into the soft top of the mattress and she bit back a moan of was amazing. It didn't feel like a pillow atall, it felt like a cloud, which sounded stupid but it was the only thing she could think of that felt so soft and she never wanted to move again. The super soft mattress underneath her and Derek's arm pressed up against her, she was perfectly happy if someone came and toldher that she never had to move from this spot again. "Okay, you may have been right..."

"Hmmm..."

"This is amazing."

"Hmmm..."

"Der?" she frowned, her fingers moving to grab the hand that was close to hers, because it wasn't like Derek to not gloat about being right.

"I think I made a mistake."

"About the mattress? Because nothing this comfortable could be a mistake."

"About Madie?"

"What?"

"I think I made a mistake asking Madie to marry me, I don't think she's the one...I don't think I want to marry her."

"Derek..."Meredith breathed, turning quickly to study her kind of best friend who she had more than best friendy feelings for. Her hand stayed tucked in his, partially because she wanted it to be, partially because he was holding it too tightly to imagine letting go."What?"

"I don't think I want to marry Madie. I think...she's not the one, recently things have been...I thought she was but now I don't. I woke up, I guess and I can't marry her."

"What...what are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"You don't..." Meredith breathed. "Derek, you can't...you have to now, you...she's planning this big wedding with morning coats and stupid dances and you need to know what you're going to do. You can't just say you don't want to marry her and not know because that's not good, that's...this is...you don't know?"

"Thank you," he sighed. "I needed to hear my internal flip out out loud."

"Oh...sorry," she whispered.

"No it's...I did, and that's...I'm thinking the same thing and I don't know," he sighed, before laughing rather harshly. "Hey Mads...funny story, I think we should call the wedding off."

"Well...maybe a little more sensitive..."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say, Mer, I don't know how to...end this," Derek breathed.

"Just...be honest," Meredith nodded, squeezing his hand.

"Hmmm..." he nodded. "Maybe...I did this, I proposed and it was wrong but maybe I should just go along with it. She's excited and she loves me so it would be easier..."

"No," she shook her head quickly, reaching the hand that was tangled with his to run her fingers through his hair. "No, Der, if you do that...you'll just end up married and miserable five years from now and telling yourself you can't divorce her. And those five years...you could have spent being happy and being with the one and you can't...waste them. You can't not be with...the one. Which I don't even believe in and you have apparently ruined me."

"Sorry," he laughed softly.

"I just...you can't stay miserable, not when you know there's a way to end it and there is a way," she sighed. "Now's the bed time."

"After I proposed?"

"Okay, maybe not the best time but it's better than when there's kids to worry about or you're married or the day of the wedding, it's still...months away, Derek...so now, ending it now is good."

"I...I know," he breathed.

"Just...be honest. She'll appreciate you being honest with her."

"I know."

"You're miserable sojust...be honest," Meredith nodded. "If she loves you, she'll understand. It will hurt but it's...for the best or whatever."

"Hmmm..." he nodded.

"You'll figure it out, Der."

"I hope so," he sighed, suddenly shifting to look at her.

"Oh," she breathed as their eyes met, only inches apart, their heads on the same pillow. This is why she had invited him. It was messed up and wrong, even if he had apparently come to the conclusion that he didn't want to be engaged anymore, but she had brought him because she had been desperate to know what her bed would feel like with Derek in, nearly cuddled up to her. Amazing. It had only served to make the cloud like feeling that much more cloud like. "Der, it'll be okay, she'll...bounce back or get over it and I know this sucks but you're doing the right thing."

"You think so?" he murmured into her neck.

"I think so."

He hugged her tighter and Meredith breathed him in, feeling her body move closer to hers, rolling closer to her. It was basically a perfect mattress.

"This...you should get this mattress."

"I think I will."

"Good."

"Hmmm..." she breathed.

She wasn't going to think about it. She was not going to consider exactly who Derek's one might be or even entertain the idea that maybe by some off chance it was her. She had spent the last few day weeks remindeing herself of the fact and just because he had finally reached a decision about his fiancee and just because they were laying closely in the world's most perfect mattress did not mean she was going to let herself believe that suddenly there was a possibility that she was the one. Everything was still the same.

Or actually entirely different but she wasn't letting her brain go there.

Instead she would think of the fact the entirely perfect mattress was going to be hers because she loved it and judging from the looks she was sure the sales people were now giving them, she kind of had to buy something.

_i'm lost in the confusion_

_and it doesn't seem to matter_

_you really can't believe it_

_and you hope it's getting better_


	25. Chapter 25

He loved watching her move.

It was an absurd thought, even without considering the fact he was still technically an engaged man. It wasn't normal to just sit and love watching the way a woman moved as she looked for the take out menu that she swore she had stuck in one of her kitchen drawers at some point. She moved quickly, looking a little panicked and embarassed but something about the way she moved was still light and feminine and totally and completely Meredith in a way that Derek couldn't deny made his heart beat faster.

Two days ago he had decided that he was engaged to the entirely wrong woman and right now he should be obsessing over how to end things with her, instead he had found himself obsessing about his ex-girlfriend and how nice it had been to lay in a bed with her.

Or at least it was kind of a bed.

This was crazy. Hewasn't sure what was happening but he knew it was crazy. They had gone down this path before, it had been intense and amazing and he had felt things he hadn't felt since but it had ended incredibly badly. The entire thing had been full of explosions and he didn't need that at this point in his life, he didn't even want that. He had his career to worry about. He was ready to settle down, get married and have children and live an entirely ordinary life, not a life where every small disagreement turned into a screaming match. They had both grown, they were both completely different but he had no idea what that would mean if they tried anything again.

Not that he was thinking of trying something when he hadn't even managed to call off this engagement yet.

Of course not even an hour before he had been sitting in his apartment bored to death and her number was the one he had immediately dialled when he had picked up his phone.

But that was just because he knew Mark was in surgery.

"I swear it was here," Meredith sighed, pushing some hair behind her ear clearly frustrated. "It was here yesterday, or maybe not yesterday but the day before yesterday or I know I saw it except now it's not here and we're going to starve to death."

"We're not going to starve to death," he laughed.

"We are," she groaned. "We are because I don't have edible food here and I can't find the stupid menu and we're going to starve and someone is going to find us weeks from now, dead and really skinny."

"Are we stuck in here?"

"No...no."

"So we can go get food."

"Yes," she sighed. "I just...don't want to go and get food, we're here and this is...good. It's good."

"We'll just order a pizza or something, Mer."

"You don't like pizza," she frowned, her nose wrinkling in the most adorable way as she moved back to the couch and fell beside him.

"Maybe my tastes have changed."

"So when you were a college kid who should have been living on pizza you didn't like it and now that you're a grown adult you like it?"

"Okay, maybe like would be a strong word," he smirked. "But if the choices are between starving to death and eating pizza, I don't mind eating a couple of slices."

"Good," she giggled, leaning into him.

"We can order in a bit," he sighed, fighting the strange urge to wrap an arm around her and pull her closer.

"Okay," she nodded. "What are you watching?"

"Some show on TLC about kid beauty pageants," he shrugged.

"Oh this show freaks me out."

"Hmmm..." he nodded.

"Talkative," she giggled, shifting to lean her head against his shoulder, the lavender smell of her hair invading his senses. "So...have you...I shouldn't ask...I...you're..."

"I haven't ended it."

"You...you should take some time," she nodded, and he could feel her cheek rubbing against his shoulder. "Not a lot because the closer it gets it could be really bad but you don't have to do it right away, take a week and come up with a plan or something..."

"I know," he sighed. "It's just...huge."

"I know it but you're not going to destroy her, Der," Meredith murmured. "I promise."

"But what if I do?"

"You won't. She'll...it will hurt for a bit, she'll be sad and maybe...really sad but she'll be okay in the long run," Meredith sighed. "I...and speaking as someone that we...we broke up, I know. It hurts and then it...stops hurting."

"We didn't break up so much as...exploded," he laughed softly.

"That's...my point was that you didn't destroy me," she giggled. "I was sad but I got over it and I...dated again."

"You did?"

"No, Der, I haven't gone on one single date in over the decade since we broke up," she rolled her eyes. "Of course I dated."

"Anything like...us?"

"No...no, not like us."

"Me neither."

"We were so in love," she whispered, cuddling slightly further into him. "I didn't...I didn't actually think love existed which sounds pretty stupid now but I didn't and then I met you it was...so intense, so entirely intense and I don't...we were so in love."

"We were," he murmured, resting his cheek against her hair. "That first night, I swear..that night I fell in love with you, it was just...instantaneous."

"It was," she sighed. "We were happy too, those first few weeks. Everything was...that was amazing, or...it was something."

"Hmmm..." he nodded, wrapping his arm around her, finally giving in to the entirely inappropriate urge. It felt good, it felt actually a lot like the first night when he had first kissed her and he had found himself not wanting to do anything else or kiss anyone else ever again. He had no idea why but there was something about Meredith Grey that drove him crazy and dragged him to her all at once. He was still an engaged man for all argumentative purposes and he couldn't possibly be thinking these kind of things. "I never thought about you."

"What?"

"After we broke up...right after, I thought of you but before I saw you again...I don't even remember the last time you had crossed my mind."

"Me neither, you were..."

"An ancient memory?"

"Yeah."

"How can...we were so damn in love and I don't know what went wrong," Derek sighed. "But how can you be that in love and then...not even have that person cross your mind? How did I ever forget you? Forget us?"

"I don't know," Meredith murmured. "I thought...when we broke up, I thought I never would get over you and I just...forgot."

"What...what do you think happened to us?"

"I was immature," Meredith sighed, her fingers wrapping around her wrist and rubbing it gently. "I loved you so much and I was...I didn't know who I was which sounds so horribly...trite or stupid and lame but I didn't know, I didn't know how to be with you."

"I think it was the same for me," Derek breathed. "I knew I wanted to be a surgeon, I knew I wanted to be with you but I didn't...we just weren't ready."

"What...what do you think would happen if we met later?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think...do you...we met again," she said quietly. "We met again and things are...what do you...okay, I'm not...nevermind, stupid, it's..."

"We met again," he murmured.

One of them moved, or maybe it was of them because it was all kind of a blur, but one of them moved and their lips found each other as they kissed softly. Derek groaned and his hands moved up to her jaw, cupping it gently as they pressed their bodies together. This was crazy but right now Derek couldn't imagine doing anything else but kissing her, feeling a little desperate as he deepened the kiss, pushing her back against the couch. He neededher, he needed his Meredith and the way she had always made him feel by kissing her, just simply kissing her.

"Derek..." she moaned as he fingers tangled in his curls the same way they always had. "Der..."

"We...we can't," he gasped, pressing kisses along her neck, biting at the skin in a way that had always made her tremble like crazy and apparently still did. "We can't..."

"I know," she breathed, their lips meeting again, a little harder. "I know we can't..."

"We...really can't," he sighed, pulling away to stop kissing her, but not finding the strength or willpower to completely pull away and move his body away. He was far too addicted to the feeling of her pressed underneath him and the softeness of it. "We can't."

"What...what is this?"

"A kiss."

"That's now what I meant, Der," Meredith giggled softly, not making any move to move out from under him as she hit his arm. "What's going on?"

"I...honestly don't know."

"Oh."

"I like kissing you."

"I like kissing you too," she smiled softly.

"Besides that...I can't," he breathed. "Mer, there's...I feel...I can't examine this until I've finished with Madie. I don't know if this...I need to be free before I even begin to consider exactly what's happening here. I need to know that I'm...that I'm coming from the right place."

"Okay," she nodded.

"Are you...is it okay?"

"Yeah, Der," she murmured, running a hand over his head. "This is...I probably need time to and you're engaged which is...god, I'm kissing an engaged man and I know you don't want to be engaged which is the only reason I'm not killing myself out of shame but I get it. You...I have no idea what this is either so I didn't really expect an answer."

"We'll...we'll figure it out," he sighed.

"We will," she nodded.

"Mer..." he breathed, ducking his head down to kiss her again, quickly and softly. "I am...I am happy I found you again. Now that we're...we might be...I'm happy I found you."

"I'm happy I found you too," she smiled just as her stomach growled loudly. "Crap."

"Pizza time," he laughed, forcing himself off her as he took a deep and steadying breath. He should run. He should make an excuse to leave her place and go home so he could think about all of the emotionos that were suddenly jumping up again, emotions he hadn't even though of since the summer they had spent together, the summer that had ended in a horrible explosion.

But they weren't the same this time.

_I'm feeling alive all over again_

_As deep as a scar under my skin_

_Like being in love, she said, for the first time_

_Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right_

_Whenever I'm alone with you tonight_

_Like being in love with you for the first time_

**Okay, so two pretty big updates to make up for the lack of updates...you know, if you guys even remember this fic, hahaha. Derek finally admitting out loud that Madie is wrong for him and not who he wants and that he actually thinks something could happen with Mer but isn't willing to think of it until he's ended it and now I feel like I'm rambling a little and it's been so long since an update that rambling seems mean.**

**I'll update again tomorrow as long as works not too nuts.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: Yesterday, I bought a Micheal Koors jacket for 60 dollars because it was missing a button that I needed to sew on myself. I gladly did so but if I owned the show, I think I would have had the money to buy it in perfect condition.**

**Look at this? It's me. Updating exactly when I said I would. I'm well aware that this might be some sort of miracle or something but it is here. And like I did last night I'm actually posting two in a row so yes, here you go.**

**Enjoy!**

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_"Derek, Sophie being on a date isn't the end of the world."_

_"Hmmm..."_

_"She's...she's nearly as old as me and I'm dating you so I really don't...I get the big brother thing, I do, but Sophie is...she can handle herself and it's just a date. Didn't you say they were going to a very crowded coffee place?"_

_"And then for a walk."_

_"We walk all the time."_

_"Hmmm..."_

_Derek couldn't miss the way his girlfriend's eyes were flashing, he figued she was about to explode any second and he couldn't blame her. Since she had gotten there he had been obsessing over this and they had now had the same conversation at least ten times. It wasn't fair to Meredith, it wasn't fair to the night they were supposed to be having and he knew he should stop pouting._

_And he would. As soon as Sophie got home._

_"Derek..." Meredith groaned._

_"What?"_

_"Stop staring at the door and window. If you...I am not afraid to take you down, Derek Shepherd. I'm not. So stop staring and come over here and act normal or something."_

_"It's just..." he sighed._

_"Sophie is on a date, I know," she rolled her eyes._

_"She's on a date with an older guy."_

_"With Brian," Meredith sighed. "Who she has told me all about and he sounds like a great guy."_

_"Older."_

_"He's closer to her age than you are to mine."_

_"So?"_

_"So...how is it okay for me to date you and not for Sophie to date Brian?"_

_"She's my little sister."_

_"So you have double standards."_

_"When it comes to my sisters...yeah."_

_"You are such an idiot," she rolled her eyes, moving slowly across the kitchen to flip on the radio that his always kept in the kitchen, something about liking to cook with some music in the background._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Relaxing, enjoying my evening, dancing it out," she shrugged, shaking her hips slightly as a pop song he didn't quite know filled the room. "If you're just going to stand there and stare out the window all night, fine but I'm going to have some fun."_

_"Mer, I'm just doing the worried big brother thing," Derek sighed, tearing his eyes away from his adorable girlfriend to look out the window._

_"Stick in the mud."_

_"What?"_

_"You heard me."_

_"I'm not a stick in the mud."_

_"You are," she giggled, shaking her head fast enough that her long dark blonde waves whipped gently around. "You have no idea how to have fun."_

_"I can have fun."_

_"Staring out the window is fun?"_

_"It's...no but...Sophie is...she's..."_

_"Out on a date, I know," Meredith sighed, turning around in a circle that looked like it was lead by the movement of her hips. "We all know but staring out the window isn't going to make her come home faster."_

_"I know that."_

_"So why are you staring out the window?"_

_"Because."_

_"This is why I'm dancing," she giggled, turning up the music a bit as the song switched to another one he didn't know too well but it had a faster beat. Derek tore his eyes away from the careful, possibly slightly illogical watch to look at his girlfriend and he couldn't actually stop the smile that stretched across his face as he watched her shaking her hips and bouncing up and down to the music, her head and hair flying. For all of Meredith's sex appeal, for all of her maturity beyond her years, when she danced she looked like a young girl, just trying to have some fun._

_He loved watching her dance, she loved dancing and he always got the distinct impression that her dancing was a picture of the girl she would have been in her life had been different._

_"Come dance, Der," she giggled, holding out a hand to him._

_"I don't dance."_

_"You don't dance in public," she shrugged. "This is your kitchen, and we're the only people in this house."_

_"Mer..." he laughed._

_"Come on," she smiled. "Come dance."_

_"Fine," he rolled his eyes, standing up and grabbing her hand as she yanked him toward her._

_There was a very simple reason Derek danced in public, one he hadn't actually told Meredith yet; he couldn't dance. He was horrible at dancing._

_But right not it didn't matter as he tired to match his girlfriend's rhythm, jumping up and down to the music, shaking his ass even if it felt awkward. He spun around in a circle, throwing his arms in the air and completely aware that he probably looked like an idiot but this was fun. Meredith giggled loudly as he faced her again, making a face at her as she moved his body in a way that had to be considered dancing by some cultures. But this was fun and he moved toward her again, shaking his hips and jumping slightly, rocking his head and he was pretty sure that this was going to destroy his curls but he just moved to the music, or at least to the music in his head._

_"You can not dance," Meredith giggled as he moved around her, shimmying his hips to the beat although he was probably completely off._

_"Tried to warn you," he shrugged, bumping her hip._

_"No...you...you really can't dance," she laughed, her eyes shinning and dancing with joy._

_"I know," he smiled as the song swtiched again, to something mid-tempo that sounded like one of the boy bands Sophie and Emily listened to religiously._

_"You may be the whitest boy alive."_

_"Shut up," he sighed, pulling her into his arms and swaying slowly to the music._

_"Oh you can slow dance," she breathed._

_"I do have some skills."_

_"After that I wasn't sure," she giggled._

_"You are never telling anyone about that."_

_"I'm not?"_

_"You're not."_

_"Stick in the mud."_

_"No, not that again," he rolled his eyes. "I danced, I made a foold of myself for you, no calling me a stick in the mud."_

_"Fine," she sighed dramatically, cuddling up to his chest as they moved with the music, turning around in a slow circle in the middle of the kitchen floor. Meredith pulled back slightly, wrapping her arms around his neck and looking up at him. "Better than staring out the window?"_

_"More fun," Derek smiled._

_"I thought so," she grinned._

_"Still worrying."_

_"Don't," Meredith murmured. "Soph can take care of herself and she seems to really like him so I think...I'm pretty sure he's a good guy."_

_"If he isn't..."_

_"You can kick his ass," she giggled._

_"Good," he nodded, kissing her softly._

_"Now stop worrying and get back to dancing," she smiled, cuddling closet to him, her head finding the spot right underneath his neck where it seemed to fit so well._

_"Dancing," he nodded, just as the music changed to a quicker song and he pulled away, grabbing her hand, wrapping an arm around her waist, breaking into his own version of an Irish jig._

_Meredith's giggle flowed over the loud music as they moved around the kitchen, bouncing quickly to the beat of the song. Derek couldn't remember the last time he had danced or the last time he had bounced around like this and he didn't think he had ever done it in the kitchen before but this was more than he could have imagined. His eyes met Meredith's as he twirled her around quickly before pulling her to him again. He couldn't imagine a better way to spend the evening than being a little crazy with Meredith._

_Until at least Sophie got home from her date._

_Dance, dance with more one more time,_

_One more time_

_Dance, dance with me one more time_

_Before the band is done_

_Before your Daddy comes_

_Dance, dance with me one more time_

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	27. Chapter 27

Derek was a little worried he was becoming an alcoholic.

Okay, he probably wasn't quite at that point yet. But staring down at a glass of scotch and contemplating his life was becoming increasingly familiar in a way that couldn't mean anything good. He couldn't remember another time when he had drank this much, well maybe his college years but that had been under entirely different circumstances. In college he hadn't been drinking his problems away, which was why he figured this time he was growing into an alcoholic. At least he wasn't drinking alone, his brother and his youngest sister were beside him because tonight he needed to drink with anyone who wasn't Meredith.

He wasn't avoiding her. He had spent his day with her, an amazingly perfect day, that probably had lead to the drink he had ordered the second he had sat down, before Mark and Sophie had even arrived.

Because he was starting to come to the very clear conclusion that it was very possible he had never stopped loving Meredith Grey.

That or he was just screwed.

"Okay, Mark, he's starting to scare me," Sophie sighed from his one side.

"That just because you don't spend enough time with him now, Soph," Mark shrugged. "This is the new Shep...doesn't talk much, pouts a lot, pretty damn boring."

"That's his third scotch."

"He drinks a lot too. Don't get me wrong, Shep finally shutting up works for me but I'm not sure the pouting is worth the trade off."

"I think there's something wrong with him," Sophie frowned, her hand going to clench his arm. "Der..."

"He doesn't talk."

"He invited us to talk, idiot," Sophie groaned.

"Which is his new code for drink," Mark laughed.

"Mark, be nice," she hissed, reaching her arm around Derek's back to hit Mark's arm hard."I'm being serious here, he's never this quiet and we're supposed to be concerned. Maybe he and Madie fought."

"Fighting suggests passion, something they're lacking," Mark shrugged.

"Why has no one killed you yet? You're such an ass."

"It's the truth, Soph," Mark sighed. "My money, he slept with Grey and if that's the case it's about damn time."

"Mark, he's engaged!"

"To Madeline, who's boring. Grey's hot. Not as hot as her sister..."

"Okay, seriously, shut up or else he's going to punch you and we'll never actually find out what's happening."

Derek sighed, sipping at his scotch, wincing as the liquid burned a path down his throat. He should say something beofre Mark and Sophie actually killed each other in the middle of the bar, which he wouldn't put past either of them. He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing deeply as he let the sounds of the noisy bar cover his own thoughts; the muffled overlapping conversations, the music pounding from the speaker, the sharp sounds of darts and pool games was somehow more soothing than thinking about how screwed he might be.

"I think I'm in love with Meredith."

"You...what?" Sophie gasped.

"I think I'm in love with Meredith," Derek murmured, staring back down at his now half empty glass. "I think I'm in love with Meredith."

"You are?" Sophie breathed.

"Yeah," he murmured. "I...we used to dance. Everywhere and anywhere, for no reason, we'd just dance to have fun and recently, I keep on thinking about how we used to dance."

"As happy as I am to finally hear this, that was pathetic, Shep," Mark groaned.

"What?"

"You keep thinking of dancing? If you need to wax on about being in love with her can you at least attempt to sound like a man about it?"

"I...I keep thinking about how how hot the sex was."

"Better," Mark nodded.

"So you're in love with Meredith?" Sophie murmured.

"I think so," Derek breathed. "We've been spending a lot of time together recently, we always seem to be together and she's...Meredith. Which is a horrible explanation but I love her. I love being around her, love talking to her and listening to her giggle. I love that she gets me."

"God, you're a woman," Mark sighed.

"Shut up, Mark, this is...huge," Sophie frowned, rubbing Derek's arm gently. "You're engaged to another woman, Derbear."

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Soph."

"Don't be an ass," Sophie rolled her eyes. "It's just...you're engaged."

"I've already decided to break it off with Madie."

"What?" Mark gasped, sputtering on the mouthful of scotch he had just gulped back.

"I decided a few days ago I have to end it with her, which has nothing to do with Meredith. I'm just...not in love with her, not in the way I should be. She's great and I love her but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her, I don't. We don't fit and I think eventually, we'd end up miserable and stuck in a marriage neither of us wanted to be in."

"I could have told you that months ago," Sophie murmured.

"And you tried," Derek nodded. "I guess I wasn't ready to hear it. I can't marry her. We both deserve better."

"You do," Sophie smiled.

"So you're ending it?" Mark asked. "You...Mr. Commitment and Sticks to promises are going to break off an engagement?"

"It's that or end up miserable."

"Hey, I support the decision but just wondering how the hell you're going to do it."

"That...I don't actually know yet."

"Just be honest, Der," Sophie whispered. "Sit her down when you both have time and just be honest with her, just tell her that you both deserve better and...honesty goes a long way."

"She'll still want to kill me."

"I suggest wearing a cup," Mark laughed.

"Might be an idea."

"Der..." Sophie breathed.

"Hmmm?"

"I hate to ask this, I do. Because I love Meredith, I've adored Meredith since the first night you brought her home. She's funny and amazing and completely perfect for you but you're...you're sure you're in love with her and it's not just...you're way of dealing with not being in love with Madie?"

"Oh...I...I thought that at first."

"You did?"

"When I...the feelings started right away, the second I started spending time with Meredith, I figured...I was just...crushing or something because it was easier to face."

"And you hate being alone," Mark shrugged.

"That too," Derek nodded. "But the more time I spend with her...she's amazing. She's changed but she hasn't and she just has this way of making everything...better. We can talk about everything and she just listens and smiled and...when I'm with her, things make sense again. Things just...fit with her. I'm probably doing crap at explaining it but when I think about her, really think about her, I'm in love with her. I just know I'm in love with her."

"Oh Der..." Sophie smiled.

"And she loves my land. She thinks it's...me."

"You showed her your land?" Mark grinned.

"I did. And she...she was in complete awe and she...loved it. She loved it as much as I do."

"That's something," Mark nodded.

"So...after you end it with Madie, what are you going to do, Der? What are you thinking?" Sophie asked.

"I have no idea," Derek laughed, gesturing to the bartender for another glass of scotch. He could just leave his car here and Mark could drive him home tonight because they were about to discuss the tricky bit that Derek hated even considering, the part where he had no idea what to do about his sudden realization because he had no idea what she could possibly be thinking. She was always around, she was always smiling and she looked at him sometimes in a way that made his heart ache but he had no idea what was going through her head and if she was in love with him or not.

She had kissed him but that hardly made a relationship.

And if he was going to talk about the distinct possibility that maybe the person he was starting to consider the love of his life didn't love him back, he figured he deserved a little more alcohol.

"You two were a mess last time," Mark pointed out.

"I know," Derek sighed. "I know we were. We've changed a lot but I don't know if she would want to even go there again. I don't know if she feels anything."

"He she said anything?" Sophie asked gently.

"No. Not...directly. She rambled something yesterday about us meeting again now that we're...ready but..." Derek breathed. "She likes kissing me."

"What?"

"She...we've kissed a couple of time. Just a couple and we never talk about it, we pretend like we don't kiss but it has happened and I know she likes it as much as I do."

"You kissed Grey while engaged to another woman?" Mark grinned.

"Yeah."

"Maybe there's hope for you after all," Mark laughed, slapping Derek on the back.

"For kissing another woman while engaged? There's hope for me because I cheated on my fiancee?"

"Not when you say it like that," Mark frowned. "That just makes it sound wrong and dirty."

"Which it was."

"Which is besides the point as Derek is ending it with Madie anyway," Sophie rolled her eyes. "The point, Derek, is...what the hell are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"For what it's worth...I think she still has feelings," Sophie murmured.

"I agree," Mark nodded.

"You do?" Derek asked, turning his head quickly to look at both of them. "You think...you do?"

"When Mom and I ran into her she said some things that made me wonder," Sophie shrugged.

"I just know these things," Mark shrugged.

"Oh," Derek breathed, his hand clenching around the glass. It could mean nothing. Meredith rambled and said random things constantly and Mark was probably just being an idiot and he couldn't get his hopes up. With the way they kissed he desperately wanted to believe all of this meant something but with their history he refused to hope that this was actually going to happen for them this time, especially this easily.

"I'd volunteer to talk to her but I think...if I start questioning her feelings she'll think something is up and freak," Sophie sighed.

"I can get Little Grey to talk to her," Mark shrugged.

"Little Grey?" Sophie frowned.

"Lexie."

"Meredith's little sister?" Derek frowned and then groaned. "Mark, you...you're sleeping with Meredith's little sister?"

"Yeah, we sleep together, amongst other things."

"Other things?" Sophie asked.

"Talk, dinner, movies, all that crap."

"Wait...you're dating Meredith's little sister? Mark Sloan...is dating someone?" Derek frowned.

"Guess you would call it that."

"How did you not tell me? How did Meredith not...does Meredith even know?"

"Don't think so. She hated me back in the day; don't think she wants to hear about how I might be in love with her sister."

"You're in love?" Sophie gasped.

"Sounds about right," Mark nodded.

"You're in love with Lexie," Derek breathed, shaking his head. "You hurt her, I'll kick your ass."

"Yeah yeah, my point is, her and Grey are tight, I'll get her to talk to her, feel her out, see what's going on in her head or heart. Figure out if you should make a move or get over it."

"That...she'd probably talk to Lexie."

"See? I'm a genius."

"A genius that's in love," Sophie giggled.

"Hey! Nothing out of you," Mark frowned. "Or else I'll just bring up how you used to swear you'd never fall in love and have babies and now you can't stop popping out Thompson's spawns."

"I'm done!" Sophie gasped. "I...Cam's the last one and I ...no more Thompson spawn."

"You're still disgustingly in love with him."

"And you're disgustingly in love with Lexie."

"Who is Lexie," Mark shrugged. "Thompson is...Thompson, Soph. You're in love with Thompson."

"I hate you."

"If it wasn't for me Shep and you would still be pouting about what to do about Grey."

"We would have figured it out."

Derek laughed and shook his head, listening as his siblings bickered beside him. He had said it. He had admitted it and neither of them had seemed even that shocked about it. He was in love with Meredith. He probably always had been at some level, had always known she was the one. He had no idea if this was going to work out, he had no idea how this was going to work but at least he had a bit of a plan, at least he wasn't flying blind and alone anymore.

Besides, something felt incredibly right about saying the word out loud.

He was in love with Meredith.

And he had hope, but that was probably just the scotch talking. He had some tiny bit of hope that maybe she felt the same.

_If there's one spark of hope_

_Left in my grasp_

_I'll be holding it with both hands_

_It's worth the risk of burning_

_To have a second chance_

**So ummm....this is totally one of those updates that speak for itself which seems to be the theme of this fic so I really don't think I need to ramble about it. Derek loves Meredith. But you all already knew that, didn't you?**

**Totally plan to update again tomorrow night too.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: I would love to get Grey's Anatomy for Christmas. Because I don't currently own it but it would make for one kick ass present.**

**Oh my god, I am so sorry that this took forever and a day to post. It's been ready for a while and then I got busy and then I had issues signing into (did anyone else find it impossible to sign in for like 3 weeks? or was it just me?) and then the Christmas rush started and anyway, sorry sorry sorry. But here is the next update if anyone is still reading, hahaha. This fic is nearly done and I will try to do better with keeping my next one updated often.**

**Enjoy!**

**  
**

Meredith wasn't avoiding.

She wasn't sure what she was doing but she wasn't avoiding her best friend, ex-boyfriend, man she was pretty sure she was still in love with or whatever it was Derek could be called now. Avoiding would suggest that she was going out of her way not to see him and ignoring phone calls and she had just been busy. Busy and not going out of her way to see him; which was clearly very different than going out of her way not to see him. Besides she hadn't actually heard from him in the last few days because he was busy too.

Probably planning his wedding to someone that wasn't her.

But she wasn't bitter and she wasn't avoiding even though she wasn't quite sure how to face him since their last kiss and the cuddling on the bed and she had no idea what to say to him besides declaring her insanely undying love, but it didn't mean she was avoiding. She was just doing groceries.

"If looks could kill, that cereal would be dead," her sister's voice cut into her non-avoiding thoughts.

"It is dead. It's a box of cereal, Lex."

"Than why are you looking at it like you want it to die?"

"I was just...thinking and it was there, thinking about things and I don't want the cereal to die, or what I was thinking about, definitely don't want what I was thinking about do die."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah...I'm fine...I'm fine," Meredith nodded, taking the already dead box of cereal and throwing it into the cart. She was fine. She wasn't avoiding and really, going for groceries with her sister was actually totally healthy and probably meant she was more than fine. Talking to Lexie was good, especially since the last time she had spoken to Derek he had sworn that Mark Sloan claimed to be dating Lexie and Meredith figured if there was anytime to talk to your sister it was when she started dating a manwhore. "Are you?"

"Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Because you're dating Mark Sloan," Meredith shrugged, grabbing for a box of cereal bars.

"I...no...I...that's not...how do you...Derek...Mark told Derek and Derek told you," Lexie breathed. "Crap."

"Crap is right."

"It's...you don't know him," Lexie frowned. "Or you do, I know you know him but you don't know him know him and if you did, he's actually really great and amazing and..."

"Even Derek calls him a manwhore."

"But he loves him."

"Are you...do you love him?"

"No. No. Yes. Maybe. I think, in the future I could love him and don't...you don't know him so don't look at me like that, you don't...if you knew him, you'd get it."

"But he's a manwhore."

"He was a manwhore, no he...when he asked me out I told him I wouldn't go out with him unless he swore to stop sleeping with anyone else and maybe I'm naive to believe him but he...he's nota manwhore anymore."

"I...I don't think you're being naive, but he's..." Meredith sighed, turning around the corner with her cart and bumping immediately into another, jumping at the loud crash as the metal caging banged together. "Oh god, I am so..."

She would know those dark curls anywhere.

"I wasn't even paying attention..." the dark curls breathed, looking up slowly from the ground that he had apparently been paying attention to, his eyes growing wide and for a second they looked soft or something but Meredith was pretty sure she imagined that. The not avoiding the man who's cart she had just bumped into was driving her crazy. "Oh...hey."

"Hey."

"I was...busy...I've been..." he sighed, his eyes moving back toward the ground before looking up again. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Meredith nodded quickly. "Busy...busy."

"It's been...a crazy couple of days," he shrugged and Meredith was pretty sure she almost believed him. He didn't actually have a reason to avoid her, he wasn't the one in love with a person that was engaged to another person but he looked tired and stressed and his eyes definitely weren't sparkling right now. She fought the insane urge to hug him and tell him everything was going to be all right because she wasn't sure it was, and she wasn't sure she could ever let go if she let herself hug him. "Just...crazy days."

"We could...drinks?"

"Drinks?"

"Not...not right now because shopping and it's not even five so drinks would be bad but later, later we could go have drinks and you could talk about what...the craziness or...the craziness."

See, not avoiding.

"You want to..." he breathed, his eyes growing maybe even a little wider, the blue piercing through even though the lightning in the grocery store was crappy. And then he closed them quickly and took a deep steadying breath before opening his eyes again. "Yeah, that would be good."

"Unless you..."

"No," he shook his head quickly. "I want to. I've been meaning to call."

"So have I," she giggled softly.

"Drinks would be good," he nodded, smiling and that odd softness returning to his eyes.

"Good."

"Hmmm..."

"I should...go," Meredith sighed, gesturing to her partially full grocery cart as she turned to find Lexie.

In deep conversation with Mark.

"Or not," Derek laughed.

"Great," Meredith groaned and then shook her head. "Not that...I mean, it's not great that I'm with you or not...and...just...that's weird."

"No kidding."

"She...she claims he's not sleeping with anyone else anymore."

"He claims the same thing," Derek murmured, shaking his head slightly. "Never thought I'd see the day when Mark Sloan was a one woman man."

"He used to have more than one woman in one night," she giggled.

"He did," Derek laughed.

Meredith nodded but let silence fall between them as she glanced back at her sister, in the arms of a manwhore. Or not because apparently he wasn't anymore and if Meredith was going to be honest she had always actually liked Mark despite how he was and maybe it was good that he had finally settled down. It would be better if it wasn't her little sister but they at least looked happy and in love, standing in the middle of the grocery store completely oblivious to everything including the awkwardness that was Meredith and Derek.

Maybe she had been avoiding.

Because she glanced back at Derek and all she could see was how sad and stressed he looked and even though she had no idea what was causing it right now, besides being engaged to someone he didn't love, she couldn't help but want to kiss him and hug him and tell him things that she had never even told a guy since she had told him years ago and it was all insane. But she couldn't do that so instead she was looking at him in silence, and he wasn't meeting her eyes and it was all incredibly awkward and she hated it so maybe avoiding would have been the right thing to do all along.

"How Madie?" she suddenly blurted out.

"Madie?"

"Your...you fiancée," she murmured, finding the word actually almost a little painful.

"Oh...she's...good, I haven't really...busy with work and she's busy with wedding planning so I haven't seen her much."

"She's wedding planning without you," she murmured.

"Yeah."

"Der...you need to...you need to talk to her."

"I know."

"Because you...and I...you just need to talk to her," she whispered, grabbing for his arm, because it wasn't a hug but it still felt like the most natural thing in the world to do. "You just...you need to let her know that you...you're not...you need to talk to her."

"Hmmm..."

"You're miserable, Der."

"I know," he laughed harshly. "I'm working on it."

"Okay," she nodded, her hand moving up and down his arm, rubbing the strong muscle. "Good."

"I should...drag Mark away," Derek sighed, pointing to a carton in her cart. "Or else your strawberry ice cream's going to melt and that could be a national disaster."

"That would be really bad," she giggled.

"Mer..." he murmured, suddenly turning to look at her and Meredith hated thinking it but she was pretty sure her heart stopped as their eyes met. They were sparkling again, at least a little and they didn't look nearly as wide and suddenly he didn't look nearly as stressed out. A million cheesy things ran through her head, things she knew she would kick herself for later, but right now she never wanted to move again. She could just keep looking at him, watching his blue eyes and the expression change on his face. Cheesy, annoying, crappy thought that she never thought ever. He smiled slightly, the look in his eyes shifting to something she couldn't even out her finger on but it had her leaning into him, as his hand moved, his fingers playing over the line of her jaw, his touch soft. "Mer.."

"Derek," she breathed, a hand moving to rest on his chest, where his heart was thudding hard. She bit her lip and looked down, hoping to avoid a gasp or a groan of pleasure at his feather soft touch or anything else that might give away how her entire body trembled as his hand cupped her cheek with a gentleness that years ago he hadn't possessed. He laughed softly, shifting to be closer to her and despite the sudden heat rushing over her body, she looked back up.

Their eyes met.

Everything stopped.

"I'll...I'll call you later about the drinks," he murmured, stepping back, his hand falling from it's place against her cheek, effectively ending the spell or whatever it had been.

"Oh...I...okay," she nodded quickly.

"I will," Derek smiled slightly, the hand now working its way through his curls.

"I know where you live if you don't," she giggled.

"I know," he laughed softly. "And Mer...I ...this...you..."

"It's...go," she breathed. "Go and we'll...later or something, you can...go and later."

"Definitely later," he nodded.

"Later."

"Come on, Mark," Derek sighed. "Break it up before we have to get the cold water."

"Hey, we're just talking," Mark frowned, pulling back from Lexie. "No need to bring out the cold water...not for me at least."

"Mark, we're going," Derek groaned, shaking his head as he pulled at Mark's arm and shoved him along. "You'll see Lexie later."

"This is just rude."

"Yeah, yeah, complain to Mom," Derek sighed, pushing Mark forward again and turning to look over his shoulder quickly at Meredith. "Bye."

"Bye," Meredith murmured, turning to walk down the aisle as Lexie said her goodbyes and moved behind her.

She hasn't been avoiding, she honestly hadn't been.

And she could still feel his soft touch along her jaw, she could still smell him and feel the warm and strong presence of him that came with leaning into him. She moved quickly down the aisle, quickly away from him and none of it was fading, none of it was going away.

But somehow, between the last time they had hung out, the last time they had had a marathon phone conversation and been completely and normally them, something had shifted, not only when they had looked at each other but something had just shifted completely and it left her breathless and shaky and she couldn't stop feeling him. Even though now everything between them had felt awkward.

In the most amazing way.

Because it wasn't that they had nothing to say. She was pretty sure they had too much to say, and just no way knowing how to say it.

_I'm not ready, I'm not ready  
for the weight of us, for the weight of us_


	29. Chapter 29

_At first she would have sworn it was just the sound of the rain hitting her window. It was raining hard and her brain was all full with the last fight with Derek so she was more sensitive to the sound or something. Sleep wasn't coming easily, she kept tossing and turning in her bed that felt too big and empty so of course she would pick up the sound of the rain hitting her window. It was just one more reason not to sleep._

_They had fought again._

_And it hadn't just been a little disagreement, she could handle that, she would welcome that. No, it had been a screaming match and she had had to remind herself numerous times that while her boyfriend might be an ass, he didn't deserve to die._

_Although it was very possible that she had screamed at some point for him to die, the entire thing was a little blurry._

_But she hated it, she completely despised this. She hated fighting with Derek and she had no idea when it had started. Within a day of meeting him she had figured out that they weren't a lot a like but had seemed perfect and exciting and she had liked him. She still liked him or loved him and she didn't like the screaming. It had to stop or just lessen or they had to stop fighting. They had to go back to being the happy couple they had been because she had never done this before but she had really liked being part of the couple. She wanted that back. Which meant for now she wasn't sleeping because after the way she had stormed out of his house she had no idea how they were going to get it back._

_Of course this time he had definitely deserved it._

_Meredith jumped as something tapped against her window, something that definitely wasn't a rain drop. She opened her mouth to yell for her mother and then remembered the note she had come home to, rainy night meant Ellis Grey had to be at work. Meredith silently cursed her lack of big brothers as she climbed out of bed. She was on the second floor and it wasn't like a rapist was going to climb to the second floor and..._

_She jumped as she heard the same tap again. She could probably call Derek. Even if he was mad at her he wasn't about to let some guy come into her room and rape her. Calling Derek would be a good idea._

_The tap came again but this time it sounded an awful lot like a rock hitting her window._

_She stepped a little closer, taking a deep breath and glancing around her room for something to defend herself with. She had nothing. So another deep breath and she leaned forward, peering out the window and finding a familiar dark head down believe, throwing stones up at her._

_Idiot._

_"Derek..." she hissed, as she opened the window, silently praying not to get soaked. "Derek!"_

_"That...that worked..." he breathed from down believe, standing in a pool of light from the porch. "I can't believe that worked."_

_"Yes, it clearly worked," Meredith rolled her eyes. "What do you want?"_

_"I..."_

_"What?"_

_"I...I didn't actually get to this point," he frowned. "I figured that wouldn't work and tomorrow I'd tell you I tired but...I don't actually have anything planned to say."_

_"Derek!"_

_"I...I mean...I'm..."_

_"You...it's raining, Der, pouring rain and you're soaked and I'm tired so if you just come out to stutter and tell me you don't know what to say, I'm going back to bed and we can...later."_

_"I'm sorry!" he shouted._

_"You're sorry?"_

_"Yeah, I..." he shook his head. "Mer, it's pouring and cold out here, can I come in and we can talk?"_

_"No."_

_"No?"_

_"No," she groaned. "If you...you thought it was a good idea to come stand in the rain in the middle of the night instead of waiting till the morning like any sane person would have done so you can stand there and suffer until I decide if I forgive you."_

_"That's..." he sighed, his shoulder's sagging. "I'm sorry!" _

_"You already said that."_

_"And it wasn't what it looked like."_

_"It wasn't..." Meredith breathed, ignoring the way her stomach clenched at the memory of the night before, walking into the bar to find another girl in the seat across from Derek's, laughing wildly at something her boyfriend had said. Meredith wasn't even sure what kind of girl it took to laugh wildly at something her entirely dorky boyfriend had said but didn't stop her stomach from rolling or the world from turning red. "What the hell else could it have been?"_

_"I was being a wing man."_

_"You were what?"_

_"I was being Mark's wingman."_

_"I don't...what does that mean?" Meredith frowned, chewing slightly on her bottom lip._

_"It's...the guy code," he sighed._

_"So you're apology is I'm sorry but I can't actually explain why I did what I did but forgive me anyway?" Meredith yelled._

_"No it's..." Derek breathed, his shoulder's slumping slightly as he started pacing in the tiny lit up area. "When a guy is at the bar and he sees a girl he wants to...pick up, it's the friends duty to distract the girl's friend."_

_"So you were distracting her?"_

_"Yes."_

_"She was all over you."_

_"Mer, you're exaggerating," he groaned. "She wasn't even touching me. I was just talking to her so Mark could talk to her friend."_

_"She was all over you."_

_"I told her about you, Mer. She knew I wasn't actually interested."_

_"But she was. I'm a girl and I know...I know the signs when a girl is trying to pick up a boy and she was trying to..."_

_"And she was going to fail."_

_"Oh..."_

_"I know it looked bad," he sighed. "I know but I was just helping Mark out, I really am sorry and nothing was going to happen."_

_"I...I should be mad at you for helping Mark with an unsuspecting woman."_

_"Mark's a good guy," he laughed._

_"If you say so," she giggled._

_"So am I forgiven?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"Maybe?" he laughed. "You know...I could come up there and show you how sorry I am. It may be much more effective."_

_"But you're soaking wet!"_

_"Whose fault is that?"_

_"You're the insane one that decided to stand out in the middle of the rain," she giggled, suddenly feeling a million times lighter._

_"We met standing in the rain!"_

_"We did," she smiled at the memory, the memory that always made her stop and wonder why she sometimes screamed and yelled and made Derek stand in the rain till she forgave him because that day everything had felt so impossibly good. "Go to the door, I'll let you in!"_

_"Finally," he laughed, disappearing from the light._

_Meredith smiled to herself and smoothed out her night shirt, that was definitely one of his t-shirts and made her way quickly down the stairs. She had probably overreacted, she knew that. Because Derek hadn't even been touching the girl or looking like he wanted to touch the girl and she needed to learn how to trust him. She had never really done the trusting thing before but if this crazy thing was going to work with him she had to and maybe she would. Tonight she wasn't going to think about it._

_Tonight she was just going to enjoy the fact they made up._

_"Look at me" her boyfriend laughed as she swung the door open. "I'm drenched."_

_"You're cute," she giggled. "And it's your own fault."_

_"You're the one that made me stay out there."_

_"Also your fault."_

_"You think it's funny," he smirked before suddenly moving to pull her hard into his arms, pressing her to his wet chest. "Still laughing?"_

_"Yes," she giggled._

_"Figures," he rolled his eyes, before sighing, shifting his hold on her from tight and joking to something a lot gentler. "Sorry."_

_"I am too."_

_"I shouldn't have done that, I wasn't thinking, I was just helping Mark out and I'm not even interested..."_

_"No, no I should...I totally overreacted and you were just talking and I trust you, or I'm going to work on trusting you and everyone...well not everyone but you know what I mean, I should have listened..."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"So am I."_

_"No you were just...being you," he smiled, kissing her gently._

_"I'm...new to this," she whispered, leaning into him. "I've never done this before and I...I don't always know how it works so I probably...I'm just...no other girls."_

_"No other girls I want."_

_"Derek..." she rolled her eyes._

_"It's true...just you...from now on," he murmured._

_"Okay," Meredith breathed, letting herself melt into his familiar arms, wrapping around his lean frame. He felt good, he always felt so good. Right now he was soaked through and she should probably get him out of his wet clothes and try to warm him up but right now she didn't want to move. It had been a stupid fight but they had made up. She hated the fighting but she loved how safe she felt, how happy and good it felt to make up._

_She really was going to try to trust him._

Take my hand I know we'll make it

I'll let nothing slow us down

I know you wanna curse this place

There's only one thing stopping us now

It's fear

**Okay, so I posted two in a row to make up for the lacking of updates. Especially since one was a flashback to a fight and...well I could go on about what happened and they're straight forward and I just feel bad for taking so long to post so I am keeping quiet.**

**And will update tomorrow...in the afternoon before church/family Christmas eve party.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: Alas, there was no Grey's Anatomy under the tree this year so unless one of my best friends got it for me (still waiting for their gifts) I still don't own it.**

**Sorry I didn't get a chance to update yesterday. I meant to but it just didn't happen. But I guess this update is a very good Christmas gift. Maybe the best. And something a lot of people have been waiting for so may posting it on Christmas works better.**

**Enjoy!**

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He hadn't seen her in two weeks.

And Derek figured that if he hadn't seen her in that long and he still wanted to be with her this badly, it had to be a sign that he was about to do the right thing.

He took a deep breath as he climbed out of the car, cursing slightly at his pathetically shaking hands. This was stupid; this was just Meredith. He had meant to call first but then he head realized that he had no idea what to say, somehow he didn't think he could explain why he was coming over over the phone so he had just come and now his stomach was tying itself in a knot and he had no idea what he was going to say. Knowing what the right thing was, knowing what he wanted didn't make the words any easier to say.

I called off my wedding and I think we should be together because I love you got to the point but it hardly seemed like the right way to say it. It didn't have enough oomph or romance and it just felt awkward.

So right now he was going with he'd say what felt right the second he saw her.

He sighed as he let himself into the apartment, happy that she lived in a place that was too small to have an intercom system as he headed up the stairs, probably moving faster than he had to. But honestly, he missed her. He had spent the first week just staying busy with work and his family and then he had taken off to think, and nothing meant thinking better than being alone in the trees, hiding away in a tent and spending his day fishing. He had needed it but in the end he had just missed Meredith and her apartment that always felt more like home than his actual own apartment. He needed to see her again, he needed to talk to her and touch her and say things.

He definitely needed to kiss her.

He knocked on her door and rocked back on his heels, waiting for her to answer. He should have definitely called, or at least thought to glance in the parking lot to see if her car was even there but it was too late for that. She had to be there, she had to be there. A crash came from the other, followed by some curse words and suddenly the door swung open.

"Hey," he smiled widely as she came into view, wearing a long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweats, her hair pulled back into a messy pony tail.

"You're alive."

"Yeah, I went camping," he nodded.

"Camping?"

"I needed some time to..." he trailed off, noticing the frown suddenly marring her features and the annoyed look in her eyes. "Think."

"Think?"

"Yeah, a lot was going on..."

"You had to think?" Meredith rolled her eyes, still not moving Derek into the apartment. "It took you two weeks to think? Because I thought...I thought..."

"You thought?"

"I...lots of things...lots of things that don't actually matter anymore because you're an idiot and...every day, Derek! You call me and text me every day, you don't...you don't do anything without telling me you were going to do it and then you...for two weeks."

"I...I needed to think."

"You said that."

"And I think best in the woods..."

"Fine!" she snapped, her eyes flashing in the most alluring way as she crossed her arms across her chest. He had no idea why he hadn't actually thought about how much she would hate not hearing from him, it hadn't even occurred to him that this was something that would upset her. And he couldn't help the hope fluttering in his belly at her obvious upset and worry. "Fine, you had to think...fine and you could have, you call, Derek. You call and say, Meredith I have to go hide and think so you know...don't think I'm dead or that I changed my mind and that...I was going to marry Madie but in a secret ceremony or..."

"That's...that's what you thought?"

"I didn't know what to think."

"Meredith...I..." he shook his head, smiling at the slightly impatient roll of her eyes . "I wouldn't have..."

"You could have."

"I didn't," he sighed, letting himself lean forward to brush his lips across hers, resting his hand on her upper arm and trying not to laugh as she pulled back.

"Derek..."

"Meredith."

"You can't just...I thought you were dead or married...and you can't kiss me and pretend that...I am not going to get distracted by you and your stupid kissy lips and the eyes...and I'm mad and I was worried and...mad."

"Hmmm..." he nodded, leaning forward to kissing her again, a little deeper this time.

"Der..."

"Shhh..." he breathed, wrapping his arm around her to kiss her harder, his tongue slipping into her mouth as she moaned softly, her body starting to melt into his as his lips pressed against hers. He groaned pulling her closer as her body moulded into hers.

"Derek, we can't," she whispered against his lips as she wrapped his arms around him.

"We can," he countered, pulling back slightly to kiss her lips quickly and softly, kiss after kiss as his hands explored the curves that felt so familiar.

"No, you...we can't..."

"Hmmm, I think we can," he breathed, moving his mouth down the press kisses along her jaw line, his tongue pressing against the soft skin and he breathed in the smell of lavender and revelled in the feel of her body pressed tightly to his. He could do this now, he could kiss her and enjoy her and feel nothing resembling guilt because this was everything he wanted and he knew that now. He wanted Meredith.

"Derek...engaged..."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, I'm not engaged."

"You..." she breathed, pulling back completely, pulling out of his arms and backing into the apartment which finally allowed him in. "Of course you're engaged."

"No, I finally did it."

"You...you finally called it off?" she breathed, staring at him, her eyes wide. "You...you called it off, as in you told her and now you're...you're single, you're actually...you're not engaged? You called off the wedding?"

"I called off the wedding."

"Oh."

"And I'm in love with you."

"You...what...what?" she whispered, her hands visibly shaking. It hadn't been at all what he meant to say, he hadn't meant to blurt it out. Not that he had come here with a plan but just saying it out right like that wouldn't have been it if he had. There should have been a build up, an explanation as to where his head had been or even to what he had been thinking about and instead the word's just tumbled out, damn however she would react.

"I'm in love with you."

"You are?"

"Yeah."

"Oh...oh..." she whispered, moving quickly back toward him and throwing her arms around his neck as she kissed him hard, her tongue brushing past his lips. It took Derek a second to respond to her, a second to really figure out that he had just said it and now she was kissing him with more passion than she had possibly ever kissed him before and it only seemed right that he was wrapping his arms around her tiny, delicate body and kissing her back just as hard. "Derek."

"Mer..."

"I...you're in love with me?" she asked, pulling her face back but still holding on to his neck tightly. "You're in love with me?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "That's...everything has been so intense, Mer. Since I saw you again, it's been one thing after another and I wanted a few days to breathe to make sure that everything I'm feeling was real."

"And it it?"

"I'm in love with you."

"I'm...in love with you too," she whispered, her eyes still wide as if she was shocked to hear the words coming out of her mouth.

"Good, that's good," he nodded, kissing her quickly.

"What does this mean?"

"I think...I have no idea," he laughed, kissing her again. "I know that's not the answer you were looking for but I have no idea what this mean. I love you and I want to be with you. There's nothing I want more at this moment but I have no idea what any of this means."

"Last time we did this we...it was bad."

"It was a long time ago."

"I know."

"And I think...we'll take this as it comes," he breathed. "Wait...you want to do this, right? The I love you wasn't just some..."

"I want to do this."

"Okay, so we'll...take this at it comes," Derek nodded. "One day at a time like any other couple and we'll see what happens."

"I think I can do that."

"You do?"

"I do," she smiled, kissing him again and it took all of Derek's willpower not to pull her off the ground and spin her around, screaming about how deliriously happy he suddenly felt. She was in love with him, she wanted to try this thing and as he took a deep breath before kissing her again it occurred to him how unhappy he had been before. The rush of happiness running through him made it impossible to ignore how much happier he was now.

"So..."

"I..." she giggled, moving to kiss him again, her hands moving to his dark curls, his own hands moving lower on her back to gently rest against her ass as he moved his tongue over hers, groaning at the pure pleasure of kissing her.

"I have no idea what to do now."

"Do you...I kind of skipped lunch, do you want to just...go grab something to eat and go from there?"

"Going from there sounds perfect."

Meredith slipped his hand in hers as he led her out of the apartment, his head spinning slightly. He had had no idea what to expect when he had arrived her, no idea if this would work or if she wanted anything to do with him and now they were together or something and he was so happy his head was spinning. This is what he had been missing, this is what he had never found with Madie or anyone else since the moment he had lost Meredith, this feeling of happiness that just came from being with her, this sense that everything was right again. He couldn't find it else where and now his head was spinning with the feeling.

_And I know that we can be so amazing_

_And baby your love is gonna change me_

_And now I can see every possibility_

**I think this speaks for itself, doesn't it? I mean, what else is there to day?**

**So I may post another update later tonight but more likely it will come tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
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	31. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy but since it's in hiatus I do miss it a whole lot.**

**So here is the next update, all good and basically punctual and...surprisingly the end. I know a lot of people probably didn't see it coming, and I'm not sure I did but it was just...done when it was done. So here it is.**

**Enjoy!  
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This was what happiness felt like.

Derek breathed deeply as he looked at the woman sitting in front of him, the woman he was about to promise the rest of his life to, or at least officially promise it and he couldn't help but smile. She looked entirely beautiful and magical today. He looked down, taking her in as she sat Indian style on the ground on their land, clad in blue jeans and her college shirt, her golden hair in the messy waves he loved so much, the ones that always made it look like they had just had a good tumble.

Of course usually they had just had a good tumble in bed, but today that clearly wasn't the point.

Today was the day that everything was going to change.

He certainly hadn't expected today to be like this. When they had first gotten back together, when everything had suddenly clicked after that night at her place, he had known they were headed towards promising forever but if he had been asked, he wouldn't have predicted it would go like this.

They had entertained the idea of doing this the traditional way; they had even gone as far as starting to make some tentative plans. But no matter how simple they made it, no matter what they changed or tried to make sound like them, nothing at all had fit. It hadn't felt right. From the second he had slipped his mother's ring on her finger, all that had mattered was actually being married, not any big ceremony to make it official, just the actual idea of being promised forever after too long of time. He had done the big planning before, Meredith had never wanted it and with Mark and Lexie's own big ceremony coming up, it just had seemed so much more sane to do it this way, their way.

And now as Derek looked at her carefully, he was damn certain they had made the right decision.

He loved bringing her here, especially at this time of day. Something about the lighting and the trees made everything glow and made her eyes look greener, her entire being look softer. He watched the shadows of the trees cross over her face, as she stared at him, her bright eyes watching him just as carefully and he couldn't help but feel his breath catch in his throat. Today was the perfect day to put the promise down on paper and make it something a little more real.

"So how do we do this?" her quiet voice interrupted this thoughts.

"Well..."he sighed, placing the notebook he was holding in between them, twirling the pen in his fingers. "We know this is forever but I think...we should probably get more specific than that."

"We can't write down forever and call it our vows?" she giggled.

"Not exactly romantic."

"And getting married on a construction site is?" she smiled, her eyes sparkling as she gestured toward the half built walls behind them that were currently inactive as he had given the crew the day off.

"It's not a construction site, it's our future home," he laughed. "On our land. That's very romantic."

"Oh of course."

"So..." he breathed, reaching to push a strand of hair behind her ear. "What do you want to promise each other?"

"I..." she murmured, looking at him carefully, her eyes searching his, before she smiled slightly. "To love me, even when you hate me."

"Love each other even when we hate each other," he nodded, smiling himself as he scribbled it onto the notebook page, because if they had learned anything since getting back together a year ago, it was that they tended to find a way to hate each other more often than not. "No running. No matter how much we yell, no matter what, no running."

"No running," she agreed, giggling slightly. Because even though maturity may have brought the screaming down a bit, the passion they had for each other usually left them having explosions.

"What else?"

"We...put each other first," Meredith breathed. "We always come first in each others lives. No matter...we come first."

"Hmmm..." he nodded, writing it down, even though that problem they had faced years before had never come back.

"We're married, we come first."

"And...no jealousy," he whispered. "At least not real jealous. No matter what's going on in our lives, this...us...we're all that matters at the end of it all so there's nothing to be jealous of."

"You're the one that gets jealous," Meredith giggled.

"We both get jealous," he rolled his eyes, writing it down on the paper. "We never go to bed angry."

"That one is cheesy."

"But true," he shrugged.

"And we take care of each other...even when we're old, stinky and senile," she giggled.

"Take care of each other when we're old, stinky and senile," he repeated, writing it down.

"And if I get Alzheimer's..."

"I will remind you every day who I am."

"Okay," she breathed.

"This is forever," he nodded, writing it at the bottom of the page, before looking up and smiling at her.

"So...we're married?"

"You have to sign," he nodded, signing his own name quickly underneath the vows before handing the notebook to her.

"Now what?" she breathed, after signing quickly.

"Now I kiss the bride," he breathed, leaning forward over their crossed legs to press his lips against hers, kissing her softly but deeply, letting his hand move to cup her cheek. His heart thudded in his chest, which had nothing to do with the way he was kissing his wife and actually just the simple face that she was his wife.

Finally.

"Married," she giggled as she pulled back slightly.

"Married."

A year ago he had been frighteningly close to marrying the wrong woman, but now he was sitting on his land, looking over the mountains, surrounded by trees and married to the only woman he had ever loved, at least loved in the way you were supposed to. They had clearly taken some wrong turns and it had taken a good decade longer than it should have but now he was married. He laughed and threw his head back, watching the leaves of his favourite trees over head.

This was definitely what happiness felt like.

_And I never knew I could feel that much_

_And that's the way I loved you_

**So for those who don't know...I loved the post it note, totally loved the post it note. So I twisted it and made it my way to fit this fic and added a little more to it and the such. And summarized everything that has happened since they got back together because as much as I would have loved to write it all, it also wasn't the point of this story. The point was to show that it was them finding each other again and figuring out how to be happy. So yes, that's how it ended.**

**I'll hopefully be posting my next fic later today, it's called I'm In...AU med school/college as roommates.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
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